March 30, 2009
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Think Forward
Just a quick blog about how to change one's thinking techniques and habits. Lately I've been toying with anticipating conversations and situations via my thoughts. Let me give you a very, very simple example of this.
I'm terrible at ordering sandwiches when I go to Subway, because I always find myself being surprised by their questions. When they ask me "What kind of cheese do you want?", I find myself looking desperately to find some sort of list with options, then thinking for a good 10 seconds about whether I prefer Provolone to cheddar, and then finally mumbling "uh, Provolone" while feeling like a simpleton. But if I spend a few seconds before I go inside remembering "Ok, they're going to ask you for the bread choice, and picture yourself saying "wheat", and then get ready for cheese, and sauce, etc.", then I'm more alert and ready to give my order.
The concept can also be useful for tense conversations with other people. Suppose I have to tell a family member that I'm frustrated by something they did--let's say it's forgetting to reserve a dinner at a restaurant, which was then full when we arrived. If I quickly play the sample conversation in my head, it goes like this:
Bro: "Um...I didn't think I need to reserve the restaurant. They had plenty of room on Tuesday night."
Me: "YOU RIDICULOUS MORON OF UNTOLD INSIGNIFICANCE, THIS IS FRIDAY NIGHT, NOT TUESDAY, HOW DARE YOU NOT MAKE TIME TO MAKE ONE LITTLE PHONE CALL THIS WEEK YOU SELFISH..." err, wait, I had better change my tone (rehearses again)
I've found this technique really helps me better prepare how to respond in sensitive situations. Sometimes I find that my responses show that there's more hate and anger in my heart than I realized, and I need to get control of myself a little before I can make that call or schedule that meeting. Or, other times I am comforted because I hear that my heart is in the right place and I can truly confront the situation with an open, sensible mind.
I can't claim this is new or novel; I'm sure some of you have tried it before. You also probably know about visualization (picture yourself doing the right thing ahead of time) and also writing a letter with your true emotions and then throwing it away. This is just another part of that arsenal, and I've liked the results of this method so far.
Comments (31)
Um, that brother story is not hypothetical :-p He forgave me...eventually. It was a special occasion, but that's one time I really wish I had pre-thought before speaking!
I have to do this just to survive daily! I'm always planning for future conversations; good or bad. I'm so going to have to link back to this anytime this topic comes up.
Good idea, and I love the tags!
I like it sort of like roleplay only in your head. My Nona always said to be sure you brain is engaged before putting your mouth in motion... her own version of think before you speak. I do the roleplay with the kids whenever they have a difficult situation to face. It seems to give them the courage to stand up for themselves when the time comes.
think forward - why yes of course! this way i can perfect my skillet-throwing aim well in advance.
I actually overdo this at times, and then it trips me up because I can no longer be spontaneous about anything, even small talk. it's too much when you sit there and ponder every possible scenario to every possible response.
Haha, I can totally relate to the subway story though. I just ask them what kinds they have and think while they're listing them.
@closetblogophiliac - For example, I always get stuck on "where to hide the bodies" after my latest crime--if only I was thinking ahead! Stupid dental records! :-p
@just_the_average_jane - I think the key is to have a conversation once, and then stop--you get in trouble when you try to remember the exact words you rehearsed or expect an exact response from the other person.
@echois23 - Yes, exactly! I can't claim any real credit for this idea, I'm sure many sociology/psychology folks use it all the time.
@Tom@revelife - thanks!
@Schristian - Thanks Scott! Yes, I should do it more often myself--I dislike being awkward in conversations, but I have a gift for it at times.
I do this more when I know I'm going to ask for a favor or broach a difficult topic....When it's a situation such as the brother one my temper usually gets them best of me before I finally realize what I'm saying and have to come up with an apollogy.
Subway can be a bit daunting...so many choices! I just holkd up the line and ask for the options if they don't have them somewhere obvious and then hmmm and mutter before making my desicion. Doesn't really bother me but, I still wish you didn't have quite so many descisions to make over one freakin sandwich!
Thanks for the comment!
@GreekPhysique - CSI, man. CSI!
Such an interesting thought pattern.. I used to do this all the time, but what I found was that I jinx myself by doing that. When I have pre-run the play in my head, it NEVER happens that way..
But forethought, is ALWAYS good. I don't know anyone who could regret doing that..
I do this too. It totally works!
I'm pretty nonconfrontational and calm with other people (to the point of apologizing when they should be), but I am INSANE behind the wheel of a car, when they can't hear me. Oh my gosh, words I didn't know I knew come flying out before I find myself again. Pretty sure the Incredible Hulk was dreamed up by a passenger of a car with a driver like me...
Oh no! I was going to comment that I couldn't see/hear you exploding at your brother like that... but then you say it's true. Oh dear. Now my whole perception of you has changed.
Anyway, I can also comment that I have fake-conversations pretty often. I find they help me sort through what I'm thinking & feeling and better prepare me for what words actually need to be spoken, and what words are completely self-absorbed and meaningless. Be quick to listen and s-l-o-w to speak... look before you leap... whether you eat or drink (or explode in a fit of rage), do all to the glory of God... ah, so much good advice that gets casts aside in favor of pride. Hm, maybe I should go have a Fakevo now...
I also have trouble ordering and should try that. except I need to be able to see the menu.
and I have conversations in my head all the time but I'm not sure if it's usually a good thing 'cause usually the conversation never happens in real life and then I just have these conversations in my memory that never actually happened. sometimes maybe it's good though that I just talk things out with myself and then forget about it instead of bringing up stuff with someone else that maybe wasn't necessary.
Chuckling hard in the 2nd paragraph
Then, reading this,
I've found this technique really helps me better prepare how to respond
in sensitive situations. Sometimes I find that my responses show that
there's more hate and anger in my heart than I realized, and I need to
get control of myself a little before I can make that call or schedule
that meeting. Or, other times I am comforted because I hear that my
heart is in the right place and I can truly confront the situation with
an open, sensible mind.
find myself truly appreciating the friendly reminder to Think Before Speaking.
A life examined, and all that ....
yes, i've done this before too, but it never hurts to be reminded. thanks =)
your examples were stellar! the restaurant scenario w/ family is one for which i particularly need to prepare myself in advance. lol.
Bravo, bravo.
How's that whole examining thing going in other areas?
Promise I'm not dead from AIM, simply consumed with the kiddos right now.
Also, I'm so the same way. I'll rehearse entire conversations in my head, playing out different scenarios with people so when I actually talk to them, I'll be prepared. I remember doing this as a child and actually sometimes forgetting that I was yet to have the actual conversation with them.
Do you have any idea?
How nice it is..............
to always know that if..........
I comment on your post............
I can safely say what I feel without ever once...............
having to worry that you might bite my head off for it?
I hope you feel better soon.................
you jokester. you disabled comments on your latest post. lol
"trying to be intellectual instead of just dropping a few words about sex to get people to read my weak content"
so thankful for that.
1. I always annoy the Subway people because I have NO IDEA WHAT I WANT. And I do the cheese thing every time! I LIKE PEPPER JACK FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! I KNOW THAT! WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO LOOK FOR THE CLING WITH THE LABELED CHEESES?
2. I normally try to step back and look at the situation. "She's half an hour late, and I've been stuck in my car without anything to do because I can't go in without her. Ugh."
"OK, self, but will this matter in a week? A year? A decade?"
"..."
"Will it?"
"no"
"What?"
NO."
"So why are you so wound up?"
"Because it's just that I...... Well, you see, she..... "
"You don't know any more, do you?"
"... no."
"Ha! I win!"
"... I hate you."
... Ok, so maybe my inner monologue is special, but you get the idea, right?
I wanted to comment on your newer posts. *sigh*
If you read just a few posts on my old blog, you'd know that I'm mad at my hubby...often. lol
What?! You get mad at people?! J/k.
I have used this method before. Being a born pessimist, when I fear a bad situation aproaching I always prepare what I'm going to say and what points I will make to bascially sway the situation into a good one. Many times, the situation is never as bad as I imagined and prepared for but plenty of times it has been. I guess overpreparing is never a bad thing.
And I thought I was the only one who had that problem at subway
@itsme_ho - haha I also am a pessimist and TOTALLY understand.
Slightly verging off-topic, but this can also be a prayer technique as well. During our retreats in MN, they bring in someone to lead us on a spiritual retreat day and one afternoon she had us practice a visualization prayer technique. She chose a story from the NT and basically had us put ourselves in the story. Become the one talked about or just an observer. Take in the sights and sounds, the interactions with people, with Jesus. The emotions involved. It's interesting.
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