August 2, 2009

• Dark Schemes: The Tame Deer

  See here for intro to the series
  Marcus bent down with the lump of salt in his hand, trying to be as still as possible. He had been at this park for a week. The ranger had told him that deer like salt, and so he had been leaving it on the tree trunk to attract them. They had accepted his gift, rather warily, but each day they let him get closer. Today, he would finally see if he could get a deer to lick the salt out of his hand. He waited as the deer sniffed cautiously, but it wanted the salt too badly, and drew closer. Success! He had done it! Sadly, he would only be around for 3 more days, but he would be back the next day with more salt! And the deer seemed to be enjoying the salt cube as well. It was all so lovely!

  Sounds great, doesn't it? Marcus has worked hard to gain the deer's trust, and has won it! He's not going to hurt the deer, and the deer, in fact, is gaining a gift out of it! In response, all Marcus wants is the little ego boost or joyful moment from successfully having connected with nature.

  I am using this story to talk about a problem that I did not realize could be a problem for several years. When I first came on Xanga, I only knew my brothers and one or two others. They had lots of friends on here; I did not. So I worked hard to get readers, one at a time. I searched blog-rings, found strangers I thought would make good friends, and then recruited as hard as I could to make them readers. I had to get people to trust me, a stranger, or I would be ignored. I learned how, over time, to make friends of strangers, and this has been a beautiful thing! My life has been enriched quite a bit from it. In fact, I've been humbled and awed at how much people are willing to share with me, a mere stranger who took an interest in them and just treated them in a classy, polite fashion. However, I've realized some problems that can occur as I worked hard to get people to see me as a friend, talk to me, and trust me. I realize that me sharing this is a little depressing, but I feel it's critical to warn you to be a little cautious, even when the person befriending you (or that you are befriending) has the best intentions and seems good-hearted. Oh, and please don't think I've been through all four scenarios, or none of the four scenarios. Let's just say I have a good imagination, but yes, I've also had to learn the hard way at times.

  Scenario 1: Marcus sighed as he packed his bags and left. It had been a fun 10 days, but it was time to go back. The next day a hunter moved into the cabin. He was cleaning his gun on the stump when he looked up, surprised, to see the deer closing in. His eyes narrowed as he picked up his gun...

  The problem is that some people are not smart enough to recognize the difference between Marcus, the kind nature-lover, and a hunter. Suppose a young woman confides in me all sorts of secrets, and I try to comfort and console them as best I can. It's not the best thing for them, though, if it is setting up a pattern for them to be very open and vulnerable with men who are strangers and who would take advantage of that. If it's online or just a temporary meeting, I will not be there long. I am just passing through. It is more responsible to point her to her female friends, to a pastor or counselor, or to some other source. To give advice without responsibility, without being willing to nurture and help the person later on, can be irresponsible. But also...

  Scenario 2: Marcus found himself spending more and more time by the stump each day, waiting for the deer to come. He started neglecting his schedule and left the cabin a mess. But what did it matter, compared to the great joy and power he felt when the deer came? And it was only temporary...right? One day the deer did not come, and Marcus found himself depressed. Had he done something wrong? He had tried so hard to make the deer feel comfortable!

  Another problem is that sometimes, the person taming the deer feels TOO responsible. They start assuming that they must personally save the deer, and they put a lot of self-esteem into this. However, it's just a deer--a deer that can get food by itself. Marcus is only offering salt, which deer like, but which is not necessary for short-term survival. However, the self-esteem boost and the validation that feeding the deer provides is fueling Marcus. So he may become irrational about how important he really is to the deer, and neglect his true responsibilities. Being specific, you can become obsessed with helping and serving people, to the point that you neglect your own needs and those of others. Your very willingness to serve, your very goodness, could devour you. And of course, it could be pride that is motivating you.

  Scenario 3: The deer did not come back before Marcus left. He cursed under his breath--couldn't the deer realize how much work he had taken in taming it? (Alternatively: Marcus found another deer, but this deer would not come closer. Marcus threw rocks at it in rage, frustrated at the deer.)

  Does the deer owe Marcus anything? Sure, Marcus fed it salt...but it was free salt. Who can blame the deer for eating the salt? If Marcus is feeding the deer salt more for himself rather than his actually caring for the deer, he will find himself hurt and frustrated very easily. He may even find himself hating deer and trying to do them harm because of his dented pride. We must be sure we truly understand the terms of the friendship; do your best to avoid always being the "taker" or "giver" in a relationship.

  Scenario 4: Marcus had never noticed it before, but the deer had an impressive rack. Suddenly, he realized that he could kill the deer that was so obsessed with his salt lick--reach out, grab it by the antlers, and break its neck. The sudden temptation was overwhelming.

  Ok, this is the freaky, off-the-wall scenario that chills me to think of, but I can't ignore the possibility. When a person sets themselves in any relationship where they are dominant or have power over the other person, there is a temptation to misuse that power--physically, sexually, emotionally, monetarily, you name it. Even if it hasn't hit you yet, it could arise at any moment. To claim that you are impervious is rather arrogant, and one will pay dearly (or is it deer-ly? sorry) for that mistake. It is fine to try to make friends and find common ground--to help people and minister to their needs--to become a confident, an advisor. But what happens when you start thinking you're not getting enough out of it anymore, or the reward for selling out becomes too great in your eyes? It's like the accountant who gets tired of watching millions pass through their hands. This is how the successful pastor or counselor ends up bedding the woman he was supposed to be helping. This is how people's lives are broken, because someone they trusted took advantage of them.

  The posts here aren't intended to be depressing, but instead a kind warning to those who may need it. We can deceive ourselves even when we think we are doing good, and in fact even harm others when we try to do good. A wise man realizes that the hardest temptations to overcome are those when we think we are doing good.

  • 12:11 am
  • 11 Comments