August 17, 2009
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Being a Chaste Gentleman or Lady
One of my favorite words to say is "chaste." I am a fan of words that start and end with rather harsh consonant sounds (yet another oddity of mine, haha). I was looking it up the other day, and was intrigued by this little explanatory note:
chaste, pure, modest, decent mean free from all taint of what is lewd or salacious. chaste primarily implies a refraining from acts or even thoughts or desires that are not virginal or not sanctioned by marriage vows <they maintained chaste relations>. pure differs from chaste in implying innocence and absence of temptation rather than control of one's impulses and actions <the pure of heart>. modest and decent apply especially to deportment and dress as outward signs of inward chastity or purity <preferred more modest swimsuits> <decent people didn't go to such movies>.
Let's be honest; it is very difficult to remain pure in this culture we live in. Most of us, by now, have been asked to have sex by someone, or at least seen some representation of other people engaging in sexual activity. It's possible to remain innocent for a while, but usually, we do end up learning more than we perhaps wish to. Remaining ignorant indefinitely is much harder than it used to be; and as we learn more about sexuality or our own passions, the temptations become more specific and harder to withstand.However, chastity is a much different story. The chaste person has opportunities. They can engage in sexual activity if they wish. However, they can control one's impulses and actions. Self-control is such a tough thing to strive for. How many people truly overcome their biggest addictions, without relapsing or replacing one addiction with another? And worse, sexual temptation is innate in a way that other temptations are not. I find it intriguing that the Bible says "Flee fornication"; the impression is that, just as Joseph did in the Old Testament, sexual temptation can only be overcome by fleeing. I do not claim that this is the exact meaning of the passage. But I hypothesize that many are not strong enough to "reason" with sexual temptation, I believe, because often our own bodies will betray us.
But the question is, how does one remain a chaste gentleman or lady while knowing all the moves? Ladies may realize that a certain outfit shows off their body the best, but is a little (or a lot!) indecent. So does the lady put that back in her closet and just do her best to compete for a good man while not being able to show off her full beauty? Or take a gentleman; he may realize that the woman he is interested in is very susceptible to touch, or that he can charm her by taking certain liberties with the truth as to how good she really does look. Must he refrain from more sexual contact or wordplay, then, and do his best to show his attraction in more acceptable ways? And it's more difficult after marriage or long-term relationship; you become even more educated on what entices a love interest.
I am deliberately asking these questions to make a point. This is why someone who truly dedicates themselves to chastity is a person worthy of respect. They willingly take some of their best assets and strategies and refuse to use them until the time is right and fair. They handicap themselves in the competition for a lover, and do it willingly. It is a difficult calling; but it is a noble one. And I am proud of my friends who have chosen this route, and are carrying it out.
Now the question is, what DOES one do with those urges or sexual ability when one is single? I'll tackle that later this week, and wrap up the Dark Schemes series too if I can.
Comments (24)
Wow! great post!
I've never heard it put this way.
Have you read Lauren Winner's book "Real Sex: The Naked Purpose of Chastity"? It's quite a good read.
solution: get married. it works. or so I've been told.
I know that sounds flippant, but it's the only viable solution I know of. chasitity is bleeping hard and I don't find it any easier with age. in fact it's much harder. i even think the bible is pretty clear - we're all going around on fire, when Paul said it's better to marry than burn.
Wow, by that definition of chastity I am definately not chaste. I have way too many ummm "unvirginal" thoughts to qualify. I have been seriously thinking of these things a lot lately and I am very interested to hear the rest of your thoughts on this... Thanks for tackling a tough topic.
"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."
Self-control is often tough, but I'm betting the payoff is pretty great! I like the distinction you made between pure and chaste. Keep it coming.
So what if my addiction is being overly controlling of my impulses and never acting on my desires?
My (good Christian) friend this weekend was drinking wine from a bottle around the campfire and parading it about as her "chastity wine." One of the most lovable drunks. And very chaste when sober, as well --- though tempting as all get out to the males around her no doubt, in her short skirts and strapless tops. Lovable trouble.
Speaking of the impossibility of remaining ignorant, there is currently on this web page to the right of your text, a very busty woman showing almost all of her tanned body with the caption "Start your journey now, my Lord - Play Unnoticeable Now!" Oy. I'm not one to recommend ignorance anyhow.
@squiddichino - LOL. You know, one can be too tightly wound as well, I will agree. But few of us really struggle with that, according to what I've seen. Sadly, though, that can be very damaging--spawns eating disorders or other quiet, internal struggles that others will miss
Your Christian friend sounds like quite the hoot, ha. Does she have a hankering for long-faced intellectual wanna-bes who have Xangas? Just, um, purely hypothetical :-p teasing.
But seriously, I do recommend ignorance, to a point. I don't mean ignorance like "ooh, I am totally going to trust this guy/girl and be alone with them in the dark forest, b/c I have no idea what sexual attraction is about", ha. But, for example, take sexual education; if one is not going to have sex any time soon, how much do they really need to know about the specifics? Knowledge is power, haha.
@IrisLoamsdownofDeephallow - Thanks!
hope all is well.
@emilierenee - Guess what I just ordered from Amazon? ha
@spokenfor - No, you're right, Spoke; I can't say time is helping me, either...now to find a gullible bride candidate, haha.
@echois23 - You're welcome. I usually try to stay away from sexual topics per se, but once in a while, I feel one must address this part of life as well. I try not to too often, though, because one can overdo it. Like most, ha, once I get started on talking or thinking about sex, it's hard to change topics! haha.
@sellhart53 - Thank you
@spokenfor - Amen, sister.
GP, I am cracking up, because the ads I am seeing on your page are for: The Blessed Virgin Mary, clothing for Latter Day Saints, Meet Ukrainian Women, a criminal defense firm, and Meet Italian Girls. Gotta love the tags Google associates with things.
Only met you yesterday and now today I read this post and am blown away by your amazing writing. You brought up two points I have to ponder more and they are 1) "can't reason with sexual temptation" and 2) Joseph fleeing temptation - running from it. I do admire those who are able to act in a chaste way in life, specially as a single person. I look forward to reading more of what you have to say. God bless.
Good book on some of this stuff: "Sex is not the Problem; Lust is" by Joshua Harris. Good read for both guys and girls. There's also good articles on boundlesss.org tackling this issue (and lots of others related to singleness).
I wish more guys are able to see the true beauty of a woman without her being forced to SHOW OFF her body. When I don't show off my body, no guys notice me. When I DO show off my body, however, they sit up and pay attention. Tell me, in this day and time, how can we women show our true beauty without exposing our flesh?
Men. Gah.
(I'm not saying we women should expose our flesh, but what I'm saying is that men should be able to see our beauty WITHOUT flesh-baring by us!)
I agree with pretty much this entire post. I've thought a bit recently about the fact that being chaste/modest can make it harder to "compete" for a lover. From past (but fairly recent) experiences, I prefer someone who isn't chasing guys (as my mom adds to the Bible verse, "'a man who finds a wife finds a good thing,' not she who snags herself a husband...). Because of those experiences, I also try to take things slow, get to know people as friends before considering someone for a relationship. The tough part of that is when people are looking for relationships, and since I'm not making a move, they often move on and it can be hard to trust God and not to get discouraged.
hahaha oh well.... Sexual urges are what we all face and as some people say Virginity is not dignity - it's a lack of opportunity. In fact this is the reason why two totally uncompatible people get together and then break up. So if you're single and have that urge, just say to yourself - this person isn't awesome enough... I can wait... Many a times people make the move on me, and I'm clueless about what really temted them - I'm plain, do not wear revealing clothing nothing like that at all... But it feels gr8!
Good post, John, and one I assume speaks to many. I really like that you write about these issues - thank you! -, and I'm looking forward to the next in the series.
I like this blog very much! Keep it up!
@lilas1024 - LOL I know! ah, Google, such a scamp, haha
perhaps the answer is to hint that you are looking for someone special, but not make her any promises? Sometimes, believe it or not, I find being rather open about that thing up front is best. But yes, you've hit the male frustration for me, ha--if one moves slowly and more politely, we tend to lose out! 
I think you're less plain than you think. It is a great confidence booster, but I've learned, as you said, not to jump after the first person to pay attention to me. 
@Auguststan - Yes, I've tried to logic my way out of sexual temptation...and I usually fail. Most other temptations I can think my way out of, but there's something about sex that tends to melt down the brain!
@trufflequeen - ooh! I love boundless.org! +10 cool points to you
@bella_esperanza - A clever man watches women carefully and doesn't need obvious signs to figure out who is beautiful inside and out, haha. That said, you bring up a great point that I will definitely talk about on the follow-up. This is an understandable struggle for Christian women.
@overly_toasted_bread - I hear that
@AasthaKathy - ha, but Aastha, you have a great sense of fun, as shown by your post about playing
@come_a_little_bit_closer - yw! coming soon.
@Delilah4Christ - Thanks Delilah! good to hear from you again
@GreekPhysique - hahaha you may be right... you really remember that post? Wow...
Amen. But beware - it's considered "sexist" when a man says that girls should be careful what they wear. I've been down that road many times before.
I would like to comment on your discussion about the Bible's command to "flee temptation" - I would like to agree with it. I came to this same conclusion while dealing with these issues with a guy I dated in college. It was the first relationship for both of us, and heck we had good chemistry, and at last here was a chance for us to indulge in makeout sessions and let out a little of our pent-up sexuality. I would like to note here that no we did not have intercourse and in fact we never did anything that would be considered indecent, at least not by today's standards. But it got to a point where more and more of our time together was spent being physical and making out with each other, and everytime we'd go a little farther. After a while this started to frustrate me. I perceived it as indeed a lack of self-control and resolved to put an end to it. But that was what I decided on my own time, by myself. Whenever we were together again and the opportunity started to arise, where do you think my resolve went? Out the window. It was just too strong a temptation to resist. After a while longer, I started to remember that bible verse..."flee temptation"....and I started to realize that that was likely the only way the temptation was ever going to be avoided, to literally get out of there and remove myself physically from his presence. It makes sense to me; I don't think that it is too far of a stretch to take that passage literally.
@KalynALaMode - This is wonderful insight. I have tried to stand and fight sexual temptation before, for me or others. It is a devastatingly tiring experience--you are essentially fighting against your own self! And welcome to my site, btw
I think I've seen you comment before on Bokgwai and Russo's site, but had never talked to you before now, I think.
@GreekPhysique - Well, thank you for having me on your site.
I'd like to hear your answer to the last question, I do think about that a lot. I know what I do (am many times it is ignoring it or running away from it). I try to really be mindful of what image I'm projecting. I don't want to come off like I'm selling everything I have, but I want people to recognize my beauty. That is a fine line to walk (especially considering the options for women's clothing), and sometimes I make some definite missteps. Overall, my goal is to be a woman that attracts guys to me by more than what I look like. It is good to be reminded of why being chaste is important. I think it speaks of what is going on in oneself.
That was long winded... Sorry? ;0)
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