September 18, 2009
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Challenges of being a Chaste Gentleman
In a previous post, I touched on the challenges of being a Chaste Gentleman or Lady. In passing, I asked how one can be sexually restrained when you may know how not to be. (Chaste is about self-control, not about innocence). I promised a follow-up, but was very annoyed when I sat down to try to write it. This is a topic I'm struggling with right now, to be honest. I know much more about women than I once did. So you're going to get a work in progress; a man trying to figure out what is fair and not fair, right and not right. Here are a few ideas:
Separate "the player" from "the game." There's a tendency for chaste gentleman to hate, dislike, and/or fear players who seem to have an easy time convincing women to like them and lust after them. We tend to see them as cheaters and manipulators, and to be honest, many are. (Ah, to understand the other gender as easily as we understand our own! haha). But! there is also a lot one can learn from a player. I wrote a series on this with TheBigShowAtUD once. What makes a player wrong is not his boldness, his honesty, or his willingness to let himself look silly or vulnerable for the sake of pursuing a woman. What makes him wrong is when he lies, cheats, manipulates, preys on a woman's vulnerabilities, or intimidates. A chaste gentleman realizes the game will always exist, but that each player should follow some rules.
Pursue, don't push. There's a balance here. The chaste gentleman should not think a woman so fragile that she cannot take a joke, a little flirting, an invitation to dinner without turning white with fear or feeling threatened. However, I think it's up to the guy to recognize when pursuit has turned to being pushy, and when that pursuit is unwelcome. Hard-to-get girls, I hate you, ha, because you'll make us quit our pursuit too early when you're trying to make us prove we care. But it's a risk a chaste gentleman has to live with. And sometimes that means giving up even you think one more joke, one more request, will get a "yes."
Lead, don't lag. Ugh, this is a tough one--being a chaste gentleman means doing a lot of the tough leadership work in the relationship. Not all--I tend to have an egalitarian bias, although you saw in the democracy post where that gets me, ha. But this means being the one to set the sexual boundaries in a relationship, or the one to be awkward when you want to form a relationship with a girl. Someone blew my mind the other day. She thanked all her dates who after kissing her, muttered "It's too cold out" and left rather than hanging around and making out more. She thanked them for protecting her and him both. I was impressed--now that is being a chaste gentleman, walking away because you know one or both of you is overly aroused. Whoever wrote that, put up a link, because I want to read it again! That is real leadership.
Encouragement is free. A gentleman manages to encourage and help women that he might have no interest in whatsoever, just because it's a gentlemanly thing to do. Oh, this is a tricky area--some women are so desperate for encouragement that they take it wrong. But encouragement is so easy to do! Just a little encouragement and advice can help a woman rescue herself from some tough times, or keep doing the right things. This gets difficult at times, though..."I just wanted to cheer her up" sounds a lot like "famous last words" to me. For example, I find myself very, very careful on what type of compliments I give a woman on her appearance. That can get out of control quickly. Anyway....
Gentleman, not fireman! Ok, sometimes chaste gentlemen get full of themselves. They think "Look at me! I'm able to talk to hot chicks without being inappropriate or at all sexual! I'm a regular saint!" ha. Well...then Mr. CG thinks it will be "exciting" to help Miss EZ rehabilitate herself and get off drugs (or, um, beds*.) At best, he fails; at worst, he compromises and ends up saying things like "Well yes, maybe I am a little close-minded if I've never had an STD." It would be funny if it wasn't sad.Ok, here's what I don't get yet and what I'm struggling with:
Clean roles? What do you do with those female relationships that are "more than friends" in that indefinable way? Does a chaste gentleman have very clear-cut relationships with women, where a woman knows she's only a friend, and then would know for sure if he wanted to pursue her? But if a chaste gentleman is truly that, won't he attract a fair amount of fans, and as such the roles get blurred? But then it sounds like our chaste gentleman has a chaste harem, LOL.
How many walls? How many precautions should a chaste gentleman take with women to remain chaste? Each person needs different safeguards. But on the other hand, what kind of life is it if you constantly find yourself having to construct bigger and bigger walls to protect women from your supposed roaring sex drive? Chaperoned dates FTW! ha. Perhaps the walls issue is overdone?*As a chaste gentleman, I must resist the opportunity to make a more direct, inappropriate joke. The innocent eyes I save on here! (pats self on back until his hand hurts). Ok, and I relish the challenge of writing PG while still being funny.
Finally, I look forward to a woman's take on what a Chaste Lady would do. Please write your ideas down.
Comments (27)
These are tough questions to answer. Thanks for sharing the work in progress.
Wow you thought this through quite nicely. I've one thing to point out, however. The players/cheaters are just inherently not good guys and there's nothing anyone can do about them. I've screwed over many a player. muahaha.
As far as chaste ladies? Some of your Chaste Gentleman rules would apply. Chicks can be players too, offer words of encouragement, be full of themselves (omg, too much of that), be "more than friends" with a guy. Guys can also play the hard to get game too hard as well. The only one that I feel can't be applied to the female gender is the leadership one. While girls enjoy being independent, there are just some things they'd prefer the guy does. Like make the first move. It's very satisfying that way.
Overall I loved reading this.
How many precautions should a chaste gentleman take with women to remain chaste? Each person needs different safeguards
I think the best safeguard so to speak is afirm belief in what you are doing. If your belief is always strong in what you want to accomplish you won't faulter because you don't want to jeopordize your morals. I've seen sheets about "rules for dating" made for teens like... no laying on a bed together, etc etc. But if the belief and desire inside someone is not to be chaste and they need to construct barriers, those barriers will easily fall.
I'm in my 20s and was engaged for over two years - lived with someone, slept in the same bed, etc. And I am still... erm... "untouched" so to speak. v-card and all
So in short, I guess the best safeguard is an intimate relationship with God and knowing why you are being chaste and want to be chaste.
The only thing I can give you an analogy to would be a vegetarian. There is meat available but they love animals so they don't eat meat even though there is temptation 24-7. So I think just believing strongly in something and talking to God every night helps.
You've obviously put some thought into this, it'll be interesting to see what a chaste lady should do.
No flirting. Be careful with encouragement. Women eat it up. Even if you mean nothing by it, they'll often read more into it than you intend. Better to be safe than sorry.
Great post! However I would say that sometimes one can be too gentlemanly and girls can take it the wrong way. It really is a balancing act.
you pretty much analyzed many perspectives.
In regards to being a chaste woman, I think the first thing to do is learn to control the emotions. Because steming from lack of control over emotions that are common to all such as wanting to be with someone, one might end up over complimenting a male friend etc.
My opinion on this matter is simply that, male or female, it is important to make a decision as to what you want out of life and love. Most individuals I can think of want(ed) to save themselves for their husband/wife but it seems that little thought beyond that went into it. That's a problem. In order to know when and where to draw lines (the boundaries) for someone else, you must first draw them in your own mind. If you don't do that then when hand-holding feels good (which most people rationalize to being therfore "right"), suddenly becomes kissing, which turns to groping which can lead to so much more.
When you set the boundary prior to any romantic interaction then you can objectively evaluate your own needs and desires without having them tainted my your own (or someone else's) misled hormonal/impulsive feelings. Boundaries are so important in this situation if you want to get from point D (dating life) to point M (married life) with dignity. Self-respect and respect for everyone else is important in our day-to-day lives but we can't forget to have both when going out on a date (or taking one home). It's absolutely essential for anyone and everyone who has a goal of remaining pure and/or chaste that they forgive themselves when they make a mistake, instead of falling into the trap of thinking that they already went past boundaries A, B and C so they might as well continue. I have heard that excuse used so many times with nearly always the same final result of hurt feelings and broken pride.
Instead, it should be used as a lesson. Just think of what could happen if you continue on to point D (devestation) ...
Well said! Food for thought right there, now I'm going to take some time to digest it...
I agree with @dAzEdNdEfUSED about the self-respect issue. Yet even for people who have a healthy dose of self-respect, if they fall, they can have a sort of identity crisis. I guess that's why it's so important as Christians, to know who we are in Christ, and also to surround ourselves with a good community of believers around us ("not forsaking the fellowship of the brethren") who would encourage us to continue living lives as true followers of Christ and not give up and be okay with compromise.
Great post btw!
I actually have a chaste gentleman friend who does have a chaste harem! (I laughed when I saw that.) But he is actually a huge encouragement (Which I will probably never tell him--he might get the huge ego. And his ego is large enough as it is!) to me and several other ladies in his acquaintance. Why?
He reminds us that there are still chaste gentlemen out there, waiting to find the right one. A former pastor of mine used to say, "To find the right one, be the right one and God will send them your way."
For chaste ladies, do not chase the gentlemen. All being aggressive does is scare them away. Remember not to let your emotions get carried away. Just because a gentleman says you look lovely today does not mean he wants to marry you! Take compliments in the spirit in which they are meant. And let's not forget the arena of modesty. By being modest, you do not encourage the unchaste thoughts and actions. (That's actually for both the gentlemen and ladies.) How you present yourself says a lot about you.
But, honestly, your rules, sir, work well for both genders.
interesting post, as usual.
what would a chaste woman do? hmmm...excellent question. it's tough, but a big key is managing emotions. once you let them get the best of you...well your facade of standards and self control diminishes and you...well...are more prone to doing things you shouldn't be doing. of course, this is a double-edged sword because if you withold emotion too much...you appear standoffish and no one's interested in you, anyway. i guess one must find equilibrium (personally, i haven't found it) in order to pull this off successfully. i don't know.
but perhaps you can answer a question for me: i try very hard to understand, or at least come to terms with male behavior, and one of your statements made me furrow my brow in interest and confusion. what exactly do you mean by this statement: "Hard-to-get girls, I hate you, ha, because you'll make us quit our pursuit too early when you're trying to make us prove we care."
Not the hating part, but the quitting pursuit too early part? again, i'm trying to understand you males, but it's tough work.
That was such an interesting post, and it definitely makes one thinks!
Hm... as for what a chaste lady would do... I don't imagine it's that different from a chaste gentleman. I definitely agree with chaste is about being self-control not innocence: I'm a virgin but I'm definitely not innocent, and I am still a virgin only because of self-control.
Us chaste ladies know that we can't hate the game, only the players, and to not automatically lump all guys into "players" just b/c one effed us up. And the most important rule is to not lead on a guy. I speak for myself when I say that I let the guy know pretty early on that I don't treat sex casually, heck, not even making out is casual to me. Not anymore.
Let me ponder this more in depth and hopefully I can get back with a better answer.
Thanks for the great read!
As always, reading your post is truly enriching. Enumerating your points even makes it clear and easily digestible. Even if I don't get to comment, ever so often, it does not mean I did not pay you a visit. Again, thanks for this insightful piece, my friend.
Ha. This was great.
(Chaste is about self-control, not about innocence) 20You, however, did not come to know Christ that way. 21Surely you heard of him and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. 22You
were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your
old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
ANYway, you write very elegantly. The words just flow off the page. I absolutely love the humor in this too! It's the perfect touch, yet you sustained a fruitful and clever mannerism. What's awesome is that you obviously wrote this straight from simply what is within. So much about this reveals a lot about just personality, aside from what it says about your character!
"A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation." -Mark Twain
I'm subscribing if that's okay with you!
@normality_dreamer - It is MORE than ok with me, given that you're starting your time here with such a lovely comment.
I always did like Mark Twain! Quoting him and the Bible is a good way to start on my good side, haha.
@GreekPhysique - So my comment totally screwed up and missed like 1/4. Lame. I don't even feel like rewriting it! Lol.
@normality_dreamer - Ha, you know, your complete comment got sent to me via e-mail update. I came here and found a comment that was much smaller and edited--was a bit confused, but answered that one.
So I get double the comment, if you will--yay for me. Or something like that.
@GreekPhysique - oo! fantastic!
works for me. [:
I'm not bummed anymore. =P
It's nice to see a man who is concerned about how he treats women. Where were you when I was 19?
@Lauren - Aww, thanks! good to hear from you again. I'm working on it...it's easier to write than do, ha, but with God's help and lots of effort, it's doable.
Is the manipulation truly wrong? It's my understanding than many people appreciate having their emotions triggered. It's the backlash of negative emotion that comes with certain actions that I believe qualifies manipulation among the list of no-no's, so to speak.
@striemmy - Ah, a fair question! See, I struggle with this too, striemmy. I mean, is it "manipulation" to give her a gift on her birthday or what not? If one takes the definition too seriously, it's unrealistic. And women do appreciate a man who doesn't take no for an answer and works his way into her heart...to a point.
But on the other hand, I'm talking more about the whole "If you love me, you would...", or other moves. I have to admit, though, this is the toughest part for me as well--love "IS" trickery, to some extent, haha. Great comment!
it's official. you have reached genius level (in, err, my mind). THIS is spectacular. Not that all your stuff isn't....it's all great. But this is unusual. Especially from a man's perspective.
For a woman:
1. don't use the awareness that is in-built. We have intuition (surprise!). We know how to stand, how to talk, how to flip our hair to make you craaaazy; turn you on. (Which is a good thing when needed....fire in the fireplace, all that good jazz). It's true. And anyone that denies it is lying. As an (attempt/work-in-progress) chaste lady, I know how hard it is.
2. Resist the hormones. Fight them. There is NO excuse for letting down your guard when feeling lonely and ::sniff:: and coming on to some guy. (yes, gentleman, that is what happens to those 'chaste' women that are suddenly.....well, unchaste). It's hard. But be a man, woman.
@GreekPhysique - Ah, in that case I wholly agree. I try to shy far, far away from associating love with specific actions or consequently associating certain actions with a lack thereof. My girlfriend tries to pull that stuff on me all the time though lol.
I think that's very thoughtful. I think friendship between men and women is tough, no matter what. I do respect a guy who has a willingness to have self-control.
Another great post. I just wish that we could all simply be honest with each other. I think that would give our friendships and our chastity a much stronger foundation. I think if we start out with a desire to develop friendships that last then we can learn be honest with each other. We can start by being clear about our intentions, letting them know that we only want to be friends, that we are interested in serious dating, that we find them very attractive but don't want to move to the next level for whatever reason or even admitting that we are not sure what we want but still like them and want to just see where that takes us. If we can just manage to verbalize what we fee, lovingly remind each other when the lines are being crossed, and laugh at ourselves and each other then we can support one another in our journey to keep things chaste.
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