November 13, 2009

• How to Treat a Man 102 (response post)

  My good Xanga friend Spoke wrote a post on "How to Treat a Lady 101" in January. I promised her a potential response post, and have been plotting my revenge, err, crafting my response since then. I admit that this post maybe should be titled "How to Treat Me 101", but I'll pretend to speak for mankind for now. I put up Part 1 in April, but had lost track of my notes for Part 2 until now.

  Ladies, I know too often you get fixated on how we should treat you, and I admit men often fail their women. But have you considered how you should be treating us as the gods princes stallions men we are? Out of the goodness and humility (I'm humble...and PROUD of it!) of my heart, I've decided to put together a few tips:

  1. Give us clues about your preferences. If I were asked why a girl doesn't get asked out despite being rather attractive, I would guess the reason is that she is too difficult to read. Is it wrong that the loud, obnoxious, heart-on-her-sleeve girl gets lots of dates, while a woman of the same looks who is quiet, guarded, and discreet* gets none? Sort of...but also, isn't the quiet girl making it very difficult for guys to talk to her without feeling like they may be annoying her or wasting her time? The little things matter--surely you can smile for things you like, and make a little annoyed face for things you don't. Remember, men are told that women are this indecipherable creature. Break this stereotype until we're trapped in your web, I mean, interested in being your friend or boyfriend.

  2. Encourage us.  I dislike the amount of attention paid to "cheerleaders" just because they wear fancy body-hugging uniforms. That said...a true "cheerleader", a woman who makes men around her want to be better people and follow their dreams, will never lack for male friends. For you younger women, it may be a little while until men your age appreciate this. But talk to any man about 25? and over, and they start to appreciate this a lot more.

  3. Ask about us. Use that famed male ego to your advantage, ha. Ask us how work or practice or video games went. The generic "How was your day?" usually fails--but ask us about an area we're interested in, and you'll be surprised just how talkative we can be! I'm surprised by how many women are unable to hold a good two-way conversation--ladies, I as the man am supposed to be narcissistic and uncaring! Stop stealing my shtick!

  4. Reciprocate. There is a sense of pack loyalty in men that's difficult for me to explain. Let me just say that when a man believes that you will reward his good deeds/nice actions, he'll do a lot more of them. The actual reward doesn't have to be amazing--a "thanks", a pat on the back, baked goods, whatever. But the more you reward a man for caring, the more he will care.

  5. Food. Do I have to explain? haha. Chocolate:woman as food:man. You don't need Kaplan SAT prep to figure out that analogy.

  6. Respect. Men are really, really, really weird about this. really. I admit it. It's ok if you might not love us. But we want to be respected--to feel like our ideas and opinions matter. I know, we can be slow to speak and clumsy when we do speak. But for whatever reason, when you disrespect us, a lot of us flash back to being corrected by moms or elementary school teachers, and we feel like little kids. Then we get angry or we withdraw. Also, I find it amazing how vulnerable and susceptible men are to a little respect. Tell us you want to know what we think about something, tell us you respect our opinion, and we turn all soft and malleable. Shh, the Man Club will be angry with me for revealing this secret--I probably won't get the Beef Jerky of the month now.

  7. Not bad, just different. Ok, a lot of the things we do seem weird to women. But ask yourself, before you judge--is it "bad", or is it "different?" If we are addicted to fantasy football or video games, it may be weird, but think about how much you like your favorite TV show or store. Hammering us for having male tastes is a good way to make us hate you. If we can't be men, then who can we be? Then you wonder why we're so neutered. Pretend we are from "Manistan", an obscure Asian country, ha. To what extent would you call out a stranger to America for being weird? Some behavioral standards apply to all people from all places; but others do not.

  8. Appreciate our work. We put way too much of our self-esteem into how well we do at work, or at play. Yes, we look silly running around the college dorms celebrating our new high score, or our one-point basketball victory in IM's. But if you play along and give us high five, you know what? The memory I mentioned in 6. works for you--now you remind us of the mom or teacher who encouraged us when we were little, and that's a good thing!

  9. Beauty vs. Function. Many of us men tend to think more about what something does than what it is. We can appreciate a good art gallery or clothing store on occasion, but it's not necessarily hard-wired into us. However, if you can share with us how to appreciate the beauty you see, you may actually get an "Aha!" moment from us, and we can share in the beauty of something with you. Why do you like walking in stores? Point out to us the pretty things you see, so we don't feel like Plato's cave folk. Similarly, when a man gets all excited about Windows 7, don't run and recoil right away. Ask him what details make it better than the last version. Be prepared for a long talk...but a talk in which he shows a lot of enthusiasm, and where you may find that your idea of beauty isn't really that different from his idea of functionality.

  10. Physical Affection. Ladies, I know. You've all made the mistake of hugging a guy or patting him on the back, and having him turn into grabby Mr. Octopus. I'm sorry. That said, we like touch too! (although not quite as much as you). I still remember fondly a fellow college student who was very gifted at touching people (not like THAT! ha). She just had a way of patting your shoulder or arm or putting her arm around you that made you feel valued. If you make it clear that you are a physically affectionate person by nature, and don't do it in an invasive or clingy way, you may find that even uptight guys tend to appreciate it and look forward to your presence.

  • 5:18 pm
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