December 2, 2009
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What is the Church's Role in Chronic Struggles?
Guest post from a friend. I thought the last questions were very interesting, so I asked her to borrow the post and thus see what you all thought.
I do in-home health care.
The woman I take care of is a bitter, disabled, depressed woman.
A few months ago she had a few seizures and spent quite awhile in the hospital. Today she told me that she wishes she had died during the seizures. She won't leave her house except for doctor appointments. She doesn't like to have visitors. She won't sleep in her bed because it reminds her of her live-in boyfriend who moved out years ago so she sleeps on the couch where she can't get comfortable so she never sleeps good. She won't listen to anyone; everything in the house must be done exactly how she wants it to be done. She routinely lies to everyone - doctors, caretakers, anyone. She has one son who lives several hours away. He barely comes to see her because she barely acknowledged him when he was growing up - he was mostly at his dad's house. She won't do anything to help herself improve physically. And emotionally she won't even admit that there's a problem.
And she's bipolar.
I know that last part is just an addition to all of the other problems, but I see it as a huge one.
Around the same time she had a major back injury 20 years ago and needed surgery, she was diagnosed with bipolar. She was so down and such an angry, moody person that she chased her family away. Eventually it got to where it is now - never leaving, barely acknowleding her family. And witih bipolar that's barely under control.
Somehow in the 2 years of taking care of this woman, I've grown attached to her because she needs someone. She's basically adopted me as her daughter.
In that attachment though, I grow more scared every day as I see what her medical conditions are doing to her.
My bipolar is almost under control - it's definitely much better than it had been. But I fear sometimes that I'll end up like her.
That's the times that I hate this bipolar. Yes, I'm so blessed to have friends who care, but they're not there everyday with me. It's precisely because she doesn't have family/friends there everyday that she's gotten so bad.
I have family around me, but they're not checking on my emotional state, so it's like not having anyone there. My mom saw some scars on my legs that are old and she was asking what it was and didn't believe me when I told her they were old. Yet she didn't ask if I had cut anywhere else on my body or if I had cut recently. She didn't ask to see my arms which are now covered in cuts from the last few days. She only asks if I'm cutting when she sees the cuts. That's not support. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom and am so grateful for the support that she's been, but as far as cutting goes, she's never been able to be a support.
Can anyone identify with what I'm saying here? I go to work and fear that my mental illness may result in me living in a condition like I find everyday. That condition isn't living!
This leads me to think about the church and what position the church should have in mental illesss.
If you have a mental illness and especially if you suffer from something like cutting or binging/purging or anything that is an addictive habit (smoking, drinking, porn, etc), you know the power of accountability. Having someone asking EVERYDAY how you're doing is crucial to moving ahead.
What about for those people who don't have that? Should it be the church's responsiblity to provide an accountability like that? The church should be reaching out and recognizing these types of needs, but should it also be responsible in that way?
What should be the church's role in the life of the mentally ill church member?
Comments (12)
The Church is like any other entity, it's made up of people. The people in the Church aren't mind readers. I remember a pastor saying once, "It's come to our attention that we've not helped someone." He went on to say, I'm sorry we didn't help this person, please forgive us." He finished by saying, "We'd like to ask each of you to do us a favor." "When you need our help tell us." "That's it, that's all, just tell us."
That's the answer, tell someone, ask for help. Do not assume that people know you need help, or that you are open to being helped. I've heard more than one person say things like, "That church didn't care anything about me, or my problems." When these people were asked if they'd asked for help the answer was always, "Well they knew what I was dealing with, but never offered help." Okay but did you ask? "Well no, they should have known." I've seen it many times.
Another thing I've seen a great deal of is people who blame the Church for not helping the way they wanted the church to help them. One of the most common situations concerns the breakdown of relationships. I've seen bitter men and women leave churches cursing the church, because the church couldn't or wouldn't save these relationships.
If you want help, there are those in the church who will offer it if asked. If you want accountability then ask, but count the cost. Many claim to want accountability, but when they get it find it invasive and a bit controlling. You have to be open and you have to ask. You have to be accepting of limitations and what it's going to cost you on a personal level.
The church is us, the body of Christ, we are to be accountable to each other. I think small accountability groups of 2-4 people are the best way to go for things like this. Maybe you could start a group either in the church you are attending or simply with others who are in a similar situations?
i read this earlier. i'm glad you chose to guest post this for others to benefit.
Are you trying to hide the self injuries though? I think that unless someone has been through that sort of thing, they don't know what to look for or ask about. I think it shows that she cares a lot to even ask about what she does see, rather than ignore it and shove it under the rug. Two years ago when I was at my lowest, I wasn't even aware how bad off I was until a friend pointed it out. The only reason this friend said anything is because he was studying for his masters in psychology and has battled depression himself. He knew the signs, and he knew he needed to ask me. Everyone else around me, even including me, assumed I was just acting like a lazy jerk, because I hid all of the obvious behavior like crying, biting, etc., and I was still able to function and work at a job and smile all day.
I once had a youth pastor who would ask, "How are you?" twice every time, because he knew the first answer was always an automatic response, often a lie. He taught me to seek out the hurting, those hiding purposely on the edge, and to make them feel welcome, and to really listen to people's problems. I think it is so important to have people like that in a Church, or else it will become a giant bubble/clique. However, "accountability" isn't automatic--it's often a two-way street, and it's usually pre-arranged, so you need to tell someone that you want them to check up on you, and you need to be willing to do the same for them if they ask.
Finally, I think the fact that you worry you will become like that woman is a good indication you won't. You seem to want to avoid the biterness and surround yourself with caring people. And you are already grateful for the support you are offered too.
The church should be sensitive to mental illness as intently as it is to physical illness. People are usually more open about their physical ailments though; mental illness is not often talked about and is usually shrouded in secrecy, so the church is generally ignorant about such needs. We need to become un-ignorant, and the best place to start is to have those with needs to make those needs known. After all, how can we be responsible for helping meet needs we don't know about? If we know about these needs and refuse to help, then may the Lord have mercy on us.
aw. That is just heartbreaking to read. All my love sweetie.
I think a major step would for churches would be to offer free psychological help. I see a lot of professional grade counseling through churches but they are so expensive. With all of the funds churches get it seems feasible to me to provide a source of psychological help through professionals. And I'm not talking about church counseling but professional psychologists.
First off, I have to say I agree very much with @Such_Were_You and @eowynnabeeowyn. If you don't make your illness known, nothing can be done about it. If you hide it... well, then it stays in the dark and festers... all by yourself.
My church counselling office has a policy that they will not counsel anyone who does not call in and make an appointment themself. This used to frustrate the crap out of me because I knew people who would say to me that they wanted counselling and I wanted to be the bridge to get them there. So I would call in and try to make appointments because the people I knew didn't have the courage to make the phone call themselves. But now, I realize that this policy is really the right way to go. If a person doesn't have the courage to make a phone call to make an appointment to get counselling, how can he/she have the courage to go to the appointment and actually talk about what is wrong?
Furthermore, in my own life, I give support and counsel to my friends. I'm no professional, but I apparently do well enough to get a steady stream of work. So much so that I cannot take on everyone who wants to talk with me. So I make rules. Rules like "You have to be serious about getting help and making a change, or I won't meet with you" or "You have to meet with more people than just me, because you need a network of people, and you need to know that I am not your savior" and "You have to be willing to accept you have a role in your problems, and not just blameshift everything to everyone else in your life."
One thing that is helpful within my group of friends whom I am accountable to is when we "give each other permission" to ask us about certain areas of my life. This means that person can ask any time, as many times as he wants. I can't get angry about him being so invasive into my life because I gave him permission to do so. Without giving each other permission, sometimes we are much more hesitant/cautious/gentle about asking probing questions, and may only do so when we see symptoms, or in your case, scars.
I also agree that accountability, support, and counseling is painful and uncomfortable. Seeking help is hard enough on its own. Receiving help is usually much more difficult. People don't always realize this and get angry at those who are trying to help them and blame them. It's true that accountability means losing a little freedom. Freedom like anonymity, personal fantasy worlds, and bad excuses. Those things go away with good accountability.
I empathize with your fear in regards to becoming something you don't want to become. It reminds me of a story I heard once. A missionary goes out to check on a native american who had accepted Christ into his life. He asks him how he is doing in his new Christian life. His response is, it feels like there are two wolves fighting inside of me. The missionary asks him, "which ones is winning?" The native american responds, "whichever one I feed more." My encouragement to you is to be mindful of how much time you spend with this lady and how much of her attitude and perspective you are absorbing into your own. Be careful to counterbalance that with your healthy support group and your healthy Christian network. Feed the wolf that you want to win.
There are 12-step programs and support groups for such things (at least that's what I see on the small screen). As far as church is concerned, people can pray and even reach out; however, G-d helps those who help themselves.
@Bongo5 - You're right - it is important that the church - and the majority of people for that matter - view mental illness like any other illness. Just because it isn't as easy to see as many symptoms of a physical illness doens't mean it's not a huge part of that person's life.
@ShimmerBodyCream - free psychological help is a great idea and is a huge way that a church can reach out. Many churches are too small to be able to afford something like that though. My church has connections with some local counselors that the church points people to when that help is necessary. Knowing that there is help that a church recommends should be comforting, especially if the church continues to offer support however needed/possible.
@amor_e_alegria - Just because someone has a mental illness doesn't mean that they need a 12 step program. Support groups are great for some people but don't work for others. Yes, God helps those who help themselves, but I've never been completely very convinced by that statement. God asks us to step out and help those around us. Anyone who's been majorly depressed, caught in the midst of an addiction that they refuse to admit is an addiction, or in the highs or lows or trappings of an untreated mental illness realizes that there are times they don't - or can't - get help whether because they don't know where to turn or becuase they refuse to admit that they need it. God doesn't want us trying to solve our own problems; He wants us to turn to Him because He loves us so much and hates to see us struggle when He can give us comfort and provide answers to our problems..
That's a really difficult question. I would hope that the people in the church would step in but they would only have the chance to step in if they knew what was going on. Unfortunately there are a lot of people out there who try to hide their mental illnesses because they are embarrassed or think that no one can help them even a little or they think something else that prevents them from seeking help.
This is something that has bothered me in the church... I'm working on my MA in Mental Health Counseling, and so I feel particularly attuned to seeing how society treats it... but on the flip side, I grew up as a pastor's daughter. Today, specifically, I paid attention to my dad's prayer - and I realized that I've never heard it said in prayer, "Lord, we pray for ____ who is depressed. For ____ who is recovering from alcoholism." Or whatever. And would we? Should we? I don't know ... some emotional and mental things are so deeply personal we don't want them paraded about in front of people. At the same time... I would wish that the church would take a more active role. But ... I can't see how it would. I think it's mostly swept under the rug... psychology wasn't really accepted into *mainstream* society until fairly recently; it doesn't surprise me that from a Christian standpoint, we're even further behind in acceptance. Eh... that doesn't really answer your question; but I find it interesting to read this blog, after my musings during church, today.
My mom is exactly like that (not bipolar, but extremely angry and friendless). I'm sorry I'm not the only one who deals with this, but I'm glad I'm not alone. Still, I'm not as good a person as you - instead of loving my mother and taking care of her, all I can think of is blaming her for what she's done to me and my brother, and of running away from this family.
Both my mother and I are atheist, but at times like this I wish she weren't. She needs friends and a support system, and churches have always been good for that.
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