January 27, 2010
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Ready to be Married: BAGGAGE!
So let's suppose that you could choose from three men (or women) to determine who to be in a serious relationship with. They are basically the same (let's say about 22 years old) except for three very different relationship histories:
Bachelor A has never really dated. He just shrugs and says he never could find the right woman.
Bachelor B dated one woman for most of college. He went through a devastating break-up with her 6 months ago.
Bachelor C has dated around a fair amount, but never for very long. He dates about 10 women a year, but his longest relationship is only about 2 months.
Leaving sex and/or divorce and/or kids out of it, which man (or woman) would you rather date and why?
Comments (69)
A. I didn't date much before my first boyfriend, and we wound up together three years.
Not B, because devastating breakups take longer than six months to get over. Trust me.
And not C. I'm too possessive for that.
I choose to have bamboo splinters driven beneath my finger nails, instead of choosing A, B, Or C. I'm just funny like that!
While I don't think Ms A would be a bad choice, per se, the attitude seems as if she's not picky or doesn't have any actual careful conditions. It's almost as if she'll just take what she can get...and I want someone who'll appreciate me.
So I'd go with Ms B. I understand that people are going to have a history and sometimes that history doesn't always appear to be wonderful. However, she was in a long-term relationship...that's NOT always easy to maintain these days, it seems. And if college was the first time she dated, then I'd be willing to guess that perhaps she's not out to just be with whomever (other reasons might also be valid...). And the painful break-up is sure to have some long-lasting effects, but I've been there, too. I can easily emphathize.
@Kestryl - It actually took me, personally, almost exactly six months before I felt truly ready to move on. Some people do recover a bit faster than others. Some take even longer. But either way, I think we could agree that each individual should take their time and not rush their healing. Just GRIEVE the loss.
any one but B. too often, they work it out. sometimes years, or even decades later. Either way, you know he'll never really get over his first love.
Whomever God chose for me.
God can overcome any & all of our baggage. (Disclaimer: I'm not looking to date anyone or be married, since I am currently married.
)
(Your tags are amusing as usual.)
Secret bachelor D: guy who has had two serious relationships but both ex's are happily married and he is looking for the same thing. Eventually.
A. I like being the first. I know that probably sounds possessive, but I think there's a certain romantic quality that comes with innocence.
Not B because I would worry far too much about whether or not he would go back to her if he could. A relationship that lasts that long had to have been special.
Not C because a man that dates that many women has to either be very fickle or easily disinterested.
You date them all duh!
B. It means he knows how to love strong.
A because he's unknown territory. Unless he looks like he'd be more comfortable on planet of the apes or has a really crappy personality, maybe he really hasn't found the right woman yet...and even if it never amounts to anything, it won't end terribly because this guy probably doesn't make promises or say things he doesn't mean. I'll take honest "I don't know where this it going yet" over insincere lovey-dovey shit any day of the week.
for the others...No matter what B says, he's not over it yet (and rebounds never end well; been there, done that from both sides of the equation), and C can't even beat my record; why would anyone want someone more flaky (I'm being honest here, but i prefer the term "challenging") than themselves?
Gosh, this is tough. I don't usually base whether or not I date someone on their dating history. But, since this is rhetorical...and I have no other option but to take this info only...C. After all that dating, surely he is ready for a real relationship and to stop playing games. ...I'd hope.
A or B I could definitely see working out.
As for C, it would take a lot of convincing (and I mean, a lot) because I believe that a pattern like that would be very difficult to break...plus the fact that it would appear that he can't stick with one person for longer than a couple of months would be a HUGE red flag for me.
I would probably go with B. He obviously is commitment oriented and has previous knowledge of a relationship. He knows what to do/what to avoid, etc. and knows the mechanics of everything. I definitely would run like hell from 3.
So I'm thinking if you really like them and want to get serious B. If you are more for casual dating and just want to screw around C. I think A is flexible. Hasn't been discounted, hasn't been proven.
@MySecretLoveAffair - Oh, no girl! Not C! Ur gonna get played! LOL
I'm surprised. I would totally take C. It means he knows the basics of relationships, but never found the right girl. I'm not scared to date someone picky.
A. That's how my boyfriend and I were before we got together. We're three years strong. Things can work out like that.
B...if he had more than six months to get over the relationship...I may have answered differently.
C...eh. not my cup of tea situation.
@ShimmerBodyCream - Haha...Yeah, D is probably best suited for me but he wasn't listed. I feel like I'm not good enough for A and B would probably be on a rebound.
I'd choose A, but I would have chosen B if it had been a longer period of time. Say a year or 18 months. 6 months is just too soon for my comfort, I'd be concerned that he was still recovering.
~V
We're talking males around 22 yrs? I'm with the A never dated. It's pretty common and not a warning sign at all.... unless he's also unavailable and a workaholic.
Bachelor C seems not to know what he wants, or wants fun.
Bachelor B would be a great friend. He probably doesn't know what it's like to be single, and will either love it or hate it, and regardless, I wouldn't want to be in the way of him exploring his early 20s.
I don't think any of those really matter too much to me. The only one that would potentially worry me would be the guy that's never dated (because, well, the more you date, the more you figure out what you need/want). People that have never been in a relationship tend to be willing to compromise too much too fast. (And then later realize they didn't want to compromise on those things at all.)
A. That's my final answer
Definitely A
You don't have to have a long relationship history to be good in a relationship
Bachelor B... if he could be in a long relationship like that, I'd desire that the most. Stability... is everything.
Very interesting question.....i think in this case, age is a HUGE factor. Even so, my hubby was 31 when i met him and was Bachelor A...so obviously that's going to be the guy i'd choose. But if a 22 year old hasn't dated much and says it's because he hasn't met the right woman, i'd probably assume he's just playing the field and not interested in settling down. If that same guy is 31 years old, i feel differently. Does that make sense?
I'd go for Miss B, myself.
Im most like a cross of A and B, and little of C in different stages of my life...
The answer is obviously "A serious relationship with a 22 year old boy? What have you been smoking?"
I would date A or B but not C. I'm sorry, someone who has dated that much but still can't find someone to have a longterm relationship with obviously doesn't know what he wants or who he is. Maybe he's addicted to being in relationships when they are just beginning and are fun and exciting and doesn't know how to be in one when the newness wears off. That would scare me. I don't want to date just to date - so A or B would appeal to me more. I could easily believe someone hasn't dated because he hasn't found the right woman. And I'd be okay with B provided he was really ready to move on. 6 months might not be enough time (and this example is so apropos to my own situation right now.)
I should say too that I'm not really considering age here...speaking generally.
LOL @ your tags!!
As far as which bachelor... I think I'd go with A for personal reasons.. haha... also, B sounds good if it were longer than 6 months... maybe like... a year? I'm not so sure. C is a player.
A, because I've never dated anyone either, and I feel like our expectations would probably be similar. I feel like at this stage it'd be harder to start dating someone with a lot of experience since he'd have expectations I would have no clue about.
@And_I_love - That's a sad thought. Do you really think so? That's interesting to me. I guess it made me wonder if you said that from experience. I dated my "first love" for three years, and we had an excruciating breakup, but I did get over it - it probably took me a couple of years to fully be over it. It has now been 12 years and I am GLAD we ended. I see myself as fully able to move on from my first love with no regrets, and look forward instead to meeting my "last love" that I will stay with forever.
A, because I can relate to it.
A sounds like an inactive loser... ("shrugs," assumes he can't get the "right" woman.... Makes me wonder if he's really saying that he can't get any woman at all...)
C is not someone I'd pay attention to. He'll probably like that, but no, thank you. I've learned my lessons too, you know.
B, for commitment, but I wouldn't rush into a relationship with him right away. 6 months is too soon, don't you think? I'll just be a sexy friend for awhile.
Bachelor C, oddly enough - I didn't think I'd go for that.
But basically, the profile seems to say to me "I'm open to the idea of dating, and I like the thought of a long-term relationship, but once you realize it's not gonna work, it's just not - time to end that and look elsewhere". This may also be influenced by my almost-hatred/extreme dislike of clingy people and those who want to commit way too fast. While commitment is cool and all, I'm young. Not the "sleep around" media-portrayed "I'm young" but just the "I'm too young to want to think about settling down with one man right now. It'll happen when it happens" type of deal.
So yeah. Oddly enough, C. Bachelor A is too passive to me - come on, how are you going to know if you have or haven't found the 'right woman' if you never even ask her on a date? Also, I used to be this person, so tendency to dislike it now.
Bachelor B went for a full-fledged, long-term commitment ... while in college. Not sure I want the same, but chances are he's not over it yet and the next girl will be a rebound that just reminds him of his ex and why things went wrong. I don't wanna be her, either.
Goodness, Greek, this got way more complex than I thought!
A or C. they both know exactly what they want.
A means you'll be the first which sounds sorta charming and it doesn't mean he's socially retarded if he just hasn't found the right girl yet. This guy would seem to not want to waste his time unless it's worth it.
C because he has been around. Knows exactly what women want to some extent, knows what turns him off and what he's looking for when it does come to the "right girl."
A guy who knows what he wants is attractive because I dislike wasting my time !
A or C. they both know exactly what they want.
A
means you'll be the first which sounds sorta charming and it doesn't
mean he's socially retarded if he just hasn't found the right girl yet.
This guy would seem to not want to waste his time unless it's worth it.
C
because he has been around. Knows exactly what women want to some
extent, knows what turns him off and what he's looking for when it does
come to the "right girl."
A guy who knows what he wants is attractive because I dislike wasting my time !
Oh and not B for me because they might have the potential for being either too scared of love again or too clingy and this only occurs if they are over the relationship which may not be the case. Too much to deal with for me !
A.
A, cos we're in the same boat.
For what it's worth I'm batchelor A.
well, the one person whom i've ever had a serious mutual interest in was A. she had her own reasons, which carried a LOT of baggage with them anyway, but i was the first man she ever WANTED to be with.
B is going to be hung up on her ex for some time. if the relationship was serious and the break up was nasty, there is going to be a serious amount of emotional healing/recovery to do.
C is a double, no, check that, tripple whammy no-no. i may be an asshole for saying this, but 1) their affections are a dime a dozen if she's been bouncing from guy to guy then really it's no real feat to grab her attentions. 2) i cant get with the "have fun then settle down" mentality. soo, you want all your fond memories to be before i come along? i can sum up my response with one finger and showing you my back as i walk away. 3) im not really down with competing with 150 other guys for your affections. my observations is that the current slob gets compared(often negatively) to an ever growing list of slobs before him.
over all A is the best choice. you start out with fewer expectations, you learn and grow together, and you make memories that last a lifetime.
I hate dating A, but dating C can be really problematic. Most break those two-month records with me, but I end up breaking up with them anyway for some indiscretion on their part they assume they can get away with because every one of the other 19 girls they dated let them do it.
And I would not date B. Definitely not.
OK, so by process of elimination, A has the least issues. A, ftw!
B seems the most stable. I would like someone who has already played the game, got a little
mangled so they appreciate more and understand where pitfalls may
occur.
A will get attached too quickly..and be clueless. He might mean well but the naevity of the situation may run him into unrealistic expectations...
and C has issues...so many in fact he may own a magazine company...
besides...I'm too old to be a seeing eye dog for the emotionally blind.
My son was A. until last year.
He'd been wanting to marry since he was 5, but didn't meet the one until last year. She's a gem!
@Kestryl - Same.
I pick "A" because that's my husband. He dated one girl before me; it lasted a month, if that. He and I have been married over a decade, together for much longer. "B" makes me nervous because it seems like a bit soon to dive into another relationship. "C" might be okay if I was thinking short-term...because it sounds like he has a fear of commitment or something. Maybe he hasn't met the right one...but hard to tell.
At 22 I was in no way ready to date anyone for more that a few months. If I was 22, I would be with C.
A or B I guess.
I know I'm A, so I'm sure that highly biases my opinion.
If it's totally over, B. If not, A.
The first flaw in this scenario is planning to marry a 22 year old.
Wow, hard one.
A) Is A socially backwards? Shy? Depends on the reason why they never dated. I have a guy friend who, in their mid 20's, have dated someone who was also in their mid 20's but had never dated before. It was a disaster! She didn't understand the give and take of a relationship and became obsessive after they broke up. Part of that may be a personality issue but if you don't have the small relationships, it's hard to understand the different stages of an adult relationship.
B) Breakups are tough and everyone reacts differently. If the person seemed over it I would give them a shot and be understanding if they mention their ex. But if I find that he is still obsessing over a failed relationship and not focusing on growing ours, he's out.
C) I'm biased on this one. My boyfriend dated a lot before me and his longest relationship was 6 months. We are 3 1/2 years and going strong. I just came along at the right time and we fit together perfectly. But I know this is not always the case nor the majority of the time.
To sum it up. Probably B unless A has little dating experience because of preference not because they are socially backwards
lol
@edgarallenpwn - I agree. I'd take A and I agree with your reasons.
btw I was an A myself and the reasons for it were that some of the guys were jerks, some were just immature or just didn't fit, some I didn't know well enough to commit to a relationship with; on top of which I didn't have a problem with being single and just hanging out with friends (which happens to be what led me to meeting my boyfriend). sometimes "haven't met the right person yet" just means that you haven't met that person yet. it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, especially if you're only 22 (which is NOT that old). also not having been in a real relationship yet does not mean you've been dating lots of people either. my boyfriend and I both did not date people before we met (except when he had sort-of a girlfriend in high school for awhile); and my reason for not dating was that I figured it wouldn't be serious or lasting. That's why I like A's.
I think I'd go for B. I guess it's because his experience is most similar to my own. It's good to know that he is (or at least was) capable of committing to something long-term.
i had a friend who as a freshman in college began dating "c", who was also a senior. we all told her not to, she was gonna get hurt... turns out she was the one and they are now happily married.
as for me... "c" is not who i would choose. "a" or "b" fit me better... i'd prolly go with "a", 'cause i also haven't dated much. or whichever one was cuter
<3 a cause I like my men fresh xD
@zynverwex - Oh LOL, you rogue.
Either B or C. Never A. I couldn't date someone who didn't know what they were doing.
I empathize with B. I think i used to be B and then turned out to be a C
A. not finding the right woman implies actually looking for her! there are a lot of characteristics to consider about his personality, but truth be told, the assessment from the little info given suggests he is not a go getter, victimized, and passive. not the first qualities I look for.
B. 6 months is not long enough, rebound dating is usually isn't done on purpose. relationship conflict can really confuse a person and what results is seeking another person who is just the same to try again with, or someone who is just the opposite. it doesn't have much to do with the person you are with, and a relationship founded on the person you used to be with has pretty slim chances of being healthy.
C. again, there are many possibilities that could balance this for BC, but it seems like he has commitment issues or he is choosing women who do. Either way, i hope he is in counseling. haha. whatever his issue is, assuming the description of him is straightforward, he is either pushing people away or attracting unhealthy people....usually pretty deeply routed in a person.
i choose D, none of the above. i guess i really will be single for ever.
I would probably date B. "A" sounds just like C. A commitment phobe or just too picky. That pickiness would probably translate into the relationship. Conversely, C would bring in the anti-commitment vibe. B obviously knows on some levels what it takes to commit to one person even if they are a little damaged. Damage can be repaired, the other two are lost souls. 2nd choice would be C and 3rd, B.
I don't date 22 year olds hahaha.
Okay, okay, I'm dodging. At this point in my life I'd give them all a shot...although C is iffy. And they really can't be 22.
B, because he knows how to love, understands commitment, and will probably move past the hurt and grow from the experience.
Not A, because he's probably too cynical and narcissistic. If he hasn't seen a redeeming quality in any woman he's met so far in life, maybe he sees himself too perfectly.
Definitely not C. Immaturity.
B. - our histories are probably most compatible of the three.
A. - possibly, if the lack of relationships doesn't correspond with a lack of maturity or lack of knowing what he wants.
C. - no, thank you. move along.
Maybe I am truly insane, but I would have to choose C. Perhaps, it is because I am a woman who likes a challenge. But truly, I think it is because I crave experience and stories. I want a person who has things to tell and carries on more adventurous endeavors. I love outgoing people.
As for A, I think it would be very situational to that person. He would have to have a lot of common interests and viewpoints with me before I would ever give him a chance.
As for B, I know how I am with people like B. I am entirely too insecure to ever be with someone who was so serious in the past. I do not hold someone's past against them, but at the same time, I don't to have to hear her name in every story you tell. I don't want to have to be compared to her all the time. In other words, I do not want to have to question.
Bachelor A: It is a fresh experience for him. if i dated someone like that, I wouldn't be compared to any past relationships he had been in. It would also probably be easier to be in because he wouldn't be as possessive either. The cons would be that he wasn't used to being in a relationship, and might compare the relationship to being single.
@Runtoward - LIE! I need to turn on profile pics just so everyone can see that you look a decade younger than your real age. :-p
I'm a bit old to be marrying a 22 year old, so I consulted the ladies of marriagable age who are hanging with me tonight. They're verdict is to marry the one God tells you to and that even a guy with baggage deserves a good wife if he's truly seeking the Lord.
I know this is old. So sue me.
I'd totally pick B, because I understand where he's coming from. Of course, with that being said, I don't think I'd start dating him right off the bat. Yes, I KNOW I'm cheating, but to be honest, I have a healer complex. I've been absolutely devastated by people and situations, but it is still possible to help people through their pain.
So honestly, I'd be the friend that B never knew he was looking for. I'd tell him what he needed to hear, not what he wanted to here. I'd listen to everything he had to say and help him pick up the pieces. I'd be the supportive, compassionate girl that he wanted to be dating in his last relationship, and then... once he was healed, I'd watch him walk away without a glance behind him. Because that's what happens. Every time.
Then of course, I'd be hurt (and naturally mad for a few days)... take a deep breath and realize that I made a difference in his life, one that could possibly change the course of everything he does from then on. I will realize that through God's love and provision, some good came from my pain, and so I'd smile as bittersweet tears fell down my cheeks. It doesn't really matter. I'm getting good at being alone, after all.
Maybe you can tell me why I'm foolish here. If there's some unwritten rule like the good girls date the bad boys but don't marry them one. Do guys just know that they shouldn't spend time investing in the kind, compassionate ones who make them want to do risky things like trust, believe, and change? Heh. Maybe we're more dangerous than I thought.
Late to teh game but: I would choose Bachelor C. If I'm gonna go gay, ONE of us should at least know what they're doing! >;-D
This was an interesting post! I never liked labels when I was single because all the guys that seemed perfect on paper I never had the chemistry with. I like to be blindsided with love so I would say any one of them I could have chosen but usually I chose men with history. I mean a guy that has never had a serious relationship in his life, there would be a big chance I would not have a strong vibe with him.. I like stories and history and that's what I find hot.
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