January 30, 2010
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Ready to be Married: Why?!
So, I've gotten a few raised eyebrows on instant message/text convos lately about the "Ready to be Married" series. I felt I should explain a little.
For years, I never really paid attention to the concept of marriage. I floated through my busy school/work tasks, occasionally saying "Ooh, there's a woman I like!" and inevitably either messing things up or finding she wasn't as cool as I first thought. Marriage? well, that was when I finished school, or found the right person, or something. No need to worry about it now! I needed to figure out career, and Christianity, and whether I should go to the gym in Little Italy or the inner city today.
However, in the last two years, much like the eldest Bluth boy, I've realized I've made a huge mistake. Not focusing on marriage at all led to a short-term, selfish focus on myself. It also led to not entirely healthy attitudes towards women in general. See, us men rarely dream of marriage--I know a few who do, but there are not that many out there. I think that women think of marriage too much...but I think us men consider it too little. And so, in the run-up to Valentine's Day, I'm going to try to think about it and relationships in this blog. I will be as over-analytical as always, ha, but I will intentionally disturb and provoke you just because I think we all should rethink our beliefs and approach to marriage. I am not saying Ready to be Married! or Ready to be Married. I'm saying Ready to be Married?! asking questions both good and bad about it.
Now you may ask "But Greek, do you really desperately want to get married?" I don't think I do. But what if the answer is yes? What if I really, really wanted to get married? What about that concept disturbs you so? I am being intentionally provocative here. We've come full-circle from too many women who went to college just to snag a man to now considering anyone suspect who says "I just want to be a wife and homemaker" or "I want to find a nice wife." There is a need for balance. But I also wonder, are we a little too afraid of marriage? Have all the counseling books and divorces and scandals made us think that marriage is this terrible ordeal that one should enter only if overwhelmed by waves of short-term infatuation and passion? Hmm...
Comments (29)
I'd agree most with your last tag - "withthisringItheetrap." That's what I fear about marriage... being trapped in something, possibly with the wrong person! Terrifying. There are many advantages to being married, but I've really come in a full circle - whereas I used to be obsessed with getting married and finding "the one" (think Ring By Spring - did I mention I went to a conservative Assembly of God bible college?!?!), now I avoid it as all get out. I guess what confuses me is that there seems to be no way to "prepare" for the concept. They say "stop looking and you'll find the one." Right. But then I'd end up marrying the UPS guy. So there has to be balance, SOMEWHERE. (Hence why I joined eHarmony.) But that aside... I don't know what I need to do, to be ready. Therein, lies the fear - it's the "great unknown," and I think this is common for many people. I sometimes wonder though, if we really don't want to get married at the core, but pursue it - because we THINK we SHOULD. Go try and figure that one out. (Your marriage blogs seem to invoke in me very lengthy comments, I've noticed. Hm.)
where's the mistake? seems like you've spent years growing up, maturing and now - NOW you are ready for the serious comittment. Way too many get married too fast, too young
I noticed the tag Passion noticed too, but I don't really agree. Marriage isn't a trap when everyone divorces willy nilly. It's why I never personally wanted to get married. I know, weird coming from a girl...but really, in my faith I can make a committment to the one I love without dragging the state into it, and I think it's more realistic.
"I commit to love and live with you, and in the next year, I believe we'll make the same decision."
it sortof...holds a person more accountable, because you're expected to have meant your words...and it leaves you both open to think about things in the following year (or by whatever date you agreed upon)...like mature and level-headed people. xD
Besides, with all the serious stuff...you're sortof expected not to think about children til at least two, three ears after being together...same goes for a house, give or take a year...and you can alwas get whatever paperwork you want, heh.
*is a nonconventionalist when it comes to love*
It's always good to think about things though, and I've been making a point to think about the concept of marriage this year...simply because I would reject the notion almost entirely in my daily life. Thought leads to discovery, which leads to more informed and enlightened decisions...not to mention tolerance and understanding for others.
...well, I've gone on too long. So yeah. Looking forward to reading!
good thoughts. thanks for posting them. =)
hmmm I think your whole life is some what of a preparation for your relationship(s) in the your future. You can not be consumed with marriage/relationships, yet the basic principle of marriage is about finding your best friend. The person who will sharpen you and make you a better person.If you do not think about this kind of relatinship until you feel you are financially stable, have an education, ect..you will find that your internal life needs working on. Living almost 24/7 with another person can cause anyone to go batty! So it is important to work on yourself especially the selfish monsters that live in the heart. Because in close quarters the worst sides of one can come out. Just some thoughts.
My view of marriage is healthy, I think. I know it'll be tough at times but I also know it'll be wonderful at times. It may help that my parents have been happily married for 25 years... I can't wait to get married...at the appropriate time in my life!
Just continue to feel fulfilled in your life. You may not be ready for marriage, or you may be. Search for happiness and love will find you when you're ready for it!
I don't think you made a mistake by focusing on yourself in your youth. Now that you have all of yor ducks in a row, I think finding the right woman will only add to the well-rounded person you've given yourself time to become. I think you are on the right track.
if the answer was yes you really do... i say go for it... why not? the only thing that I find that holds people back is mainly reasons of selfishness really... i mean, listen to the vernacular...
"I'M not ready..."
"It's too soon for ME..."
"There's TOO MUCH involved..."
as if responsibility is something to shirk from rather than embrace and tackle...
though i would argue that an obsession for marriage is not good... but a desire is good...
I think I'm a rare instance, being a female who thinks little if ever about marrige.
Your last statement reminds me of this quote:
Love has three hypostases: chastity, knowledge, and light. Without chastity love is not affection but selfishness and passion. Without knowledge love is not wisdom but foolishness. Without light love is not power but weakness. When passion, foolishness, and weakness combine, they become hell, which is what Satan likes to call 'love'. - St. Nikolai Velimirovich
Martha
hmmm... interesting... I fall under the catogory of thinking about marriage too much, I mean I am young I know, Im only 21 I have plenty of time, but there is the fear that has haunted me since childhood, what if I never get married? what if no one will ever want to marry me? Its a reasonable fear, but not one I am proud of. This fear caused me to almost get married twice, once at 17 and then again to someone else at 18. I can not even begin to convey the depth of what a mistake either of those young men would have been. The first, I didnt love him, I only said yes out of fear of being alone, the second, I did love him, and truly at the time wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but he did not return that love and I will not get into the details of either of those relationships.... as much as I long to be married, I am gald that I am not married right now, because my options from the past werent that great. I have no prospects for marriage at this moment either, sure there are some good guy friends I have, but thats it.. they are friends. So I am in a similar dilemma, I want to be married, but the question is, Am I ready to be married? Its all very confusing.
I believe God created marriage to teach us about selfless living. Children are the doctorate level coursework. Marriages without a certain level of selflessness are doomed to fail.
If you're ready for this kind of life, jump in with both feet. Find a woman you love, hitch up and start making baby Greeks. I'm convinced that marriage--done right--is unbeatable.
@dlmcniel - i don't really think about it either.
arrested development ftw!
Really though, marriage is a Great Work, imho. I can't imagine being married at all at this point in my life, but if i do it, i'm done. My parents are divorced since forever and my ma did a bang-up job, if i may say so myself...but i know i couldn't raise a kid (much less two) alone. A bunch of my girlfriends (and various acquaintance) have gotten married in the past year and all i can think is, what's your damn hurry?
Well, this should be interesting. :0)
Love happens when you least expect it. It's a scientific law or something.
(Re: selfish living) But I like mah Fortess of Solitude! Really, though... I go back and forth on this stuff. Seems this'll be a fun series.
I am provoked Greek haha
I'm a young lady and I do not make marriage the focus of my very existence, never have even as a child. I was too busy playing with barbies and legos...while others (i guessed) dreamt about their wedding day...I don't know...
Until this day I don't know how I feel about that idea for myself. I see opportunity for success at my door, but does that necessarily make me selfish? (and I want to know what poll of info you got about women going to college to snag a man, or was that again said to provoke the audience? haha)
nontheless....
Am I against it? Not at all. I think marriage is a wonderful thing if its the right timing and the couple are mentally mature and unselfish. I deem the right attitude is to be selfless in a marriage for it to succeed. I've seen marriages around me and I have learned from others hardships. Does that mean marriage is for all? No its not...I believe Its a greater commitment that God has ordained as sacred and holy. And I understand that. So with that..
Do I want to get married. Only if the Lord himself comes down from his throne and tells me who I will marry (jokes) I am no feminist.
bitter? perphaps.
My answer is still undecided. Its a continuation of observance and time.
As for you my dear. I hope you find the answers that you seek.
seriously.
yup totally ready to "rethink my beliefs and approach to marriage" -- BRING IT
interesting thoughts. i have been enjoying your series so far. i, as the odd one out girl, told everyone to get out of my face about marriage and that i wouldn't think about until i was 28. and have done so pretty sucessfully, lotsa college and travel and Brasil and i love life...now it is close to 28 and i wish maybe...a little more balance? it isn't something you switch on and off, like i thought. "getting married" isn't something you can put on your to do list of projects. well, at least you shouldn't view it as a project...i am having trouble making transitions. grrrrrr.
Loove the Arrested Development reference in there.
I just took my first wedding shoot (I'm a photographer by trade) and the minister said:
"When I first got married, my father took me aside and asked me,"Do you have any idea what you're getting into?" I said yes, but well after that, I found that I didn't know what I was getting into. The tribulations and joys of marriage are more than I ever planned for. So I just want to tell you two some pastoral advice: you don't know what you're getting yourself into."
It was one of the best things I've ever heard.
@captured_my_H3art - Aww, thank you, I hope I find the answers too. And I'm glad I provoked you :-p that is what I am trying to do with this series. I have not yet begun to annoy everyone, but if I haven't succeeded by Feb 15th, something is wrong, haha.
I think any young person who runs away about the term marriage is being entirely too afraid of the concept. Especially if they've been dating someone for quite a long time. Long term relationships, or really any term relationship has to go somewhere. Relationships aren't about becoming stagnant and doing nothing. They're about changing and growing together. Marriage is a part of that. It chages the dynamic in the relationship, yes, which can be scary, but it allows for a great deal of opportunity to be opened.
I don't know. I think we're developing as a generation that's too self-centered, and that's the reason everyone is so fearful of marriage. "There are other people in the world besides me?! What? I'm supposed to care about someone just as much as I care about myself, if not more?! Get real!" Ah. Kids these days.
I have to say that I have thought a lot about marriage. Not the particular fantasy-type marriages thoughts, but just about the whole concept of it in general. Honestly though, I don't think I would have thought so much about it if my parents hadn't gotten divorced later in my life. It brought up a lot of thoughts to me- granted, some not so good.
I also think a lot of marriages happen entirely too soon in a person's life. I don't call teen engagements "jokes", but at the same time, I really do question how serious they can truly be. I think it is better to first figure yourself out, before you try to give the same love you have for yourself to another person.
there was a time when i wanted to get married. that was a time when i had stronger faith, trusted people and actually believed that it was possible to succeed at something. fortunately all that foolishness has been long since mercilessly beaten out of me. i've intended to do a post about that, but ironically the same attitude that has been cultivated in me over the years by so much emotional and spiritual abuse has prevented it.. i just cant get past the impression that it would be a futile effort and a waste of my time.
I think most of us consider marriage the eventual reality of a great relationship, the signal not the cause. Of course we'd all love to be in the perfect relationship, and part of that would be marriage for many people.
It all gets back to being happy with yourself before you can be happy with another person. It's really true.
*groan* did you _have_ to mention the V word??? I'd completely forgotten.....
I would love to be married and feel like I'm ready. However, God obviously feels otherwise, and He's probably right since He is omniscient. I think about marriage/relationships in general too much, and that is something I'm working on. I'm learning that the best thing I can do is focus on the Lord and not be so selfish. If He has marriage in His plan for me, then it will be good. If not, He must have something infinitely better. "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4) For now, I'm learning about trusting and serving God where I am.
Oh Gob. He makes lots of huge mistakes but I think I've made one too and it's very weird that I was thinking about it on my drive home last night and then I read your blog today.
Anyway, I always thought it was good to be fairly unconcerned about getting married and waiting until I was older because I would "know myself and who I am in God" and all of that. That could be true but what I didn't consider is that I've spent my life becoming my own person and learning about who I am alone. Would it have been better to marry at 20 and grow and learn about what it means to be a godly couple? Maybe. Because if I get married now I will have to re-learn who I am.
I developed my opinion on this long ago, and yet for some reason it hasn't changed the willingness in me to get married if I ever find the one I want to marry. Just goes to show how ingrained marriage and it's connotations is into our "needs", pretty much entirely because of society, as well as religion.
I had a quick skim of the comments, and I don't know if I picked up all the valid points made, but I hope I'm offering another way to look at it. You may not have felt the need to marry, that readiness to marry, mainly because it's just natural for you to not care at all about these things. At our core we want love and completion with another half, but I think the concept of marriage and monogamy goes against our basic primality (I hope that's a word!). We will find ourselves attracted to many people even after marriage, and often marriage breaks down all too easily ... I think this is because of both our need to be free as well as be with anyone we love (and I think we all can fall in love with many people, true love, yes) and the pressure of society.
It's natural to stay with one person as long as it works, and when it breaks down, move on. Marriage goes against that, hence you not needing marriage ... that's my analysis. I would of course prefer to believe that we can all fall on love several times, rather than only be allowed one shot, as religion seems to push ... I hope I make sense. Just my rambling opinion.
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