March 21, 2010
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The Church and I: What Scares You About Church?
I am scared about the end of church. What do I mean? At the end of church, everyone spills out into this big mass of people in the fellowship area. And I never know what to do. I'm new there, so I don't really know anyone yet. And there is no set plan on what one should do--just kind of mill around and talk to people, I suppose. But I don't know anyone!
I don't know why, but this scares me. I keep trying to tell myself to calm down, to just talk to someone, to be nice. But once there is a small crowd, and there are a lot of people I don't know, and everyone else seems to know everyone else...I panic a little.
About 1 in 5 times, I'm ok, and I can stick around and make small talk. But otherwise, sigh, I'm looking for a door, a food table, or a corner to...hide in, I suppose.Then of course, I get questions from the few people who do know me--"Why didn't you come over and talk to me? Why are you ignoring me?" They think that because of how I talk to them 1-1, I could never be shy. But I am in this setting. And so I scurry out the door, even though I really want to hang around.
I thought it fair to start the conversation with my own shame and fear. What's your fear about church? Your turn.
Comments (48)
These are really good observations and you raise some real concerns here. I know I've felt like this in the past, and still do at times since we're just beginning to take further steps at our current church and don't really know too many people there well at all (yet).
The most scary thing I've seen in churches is when various factions in the leadership begin to lord it over the congregation and they don't give ear to the congregation. I'm not talking about essential doctrinal issues (for the leadership must stand firm in those things in love - I Cor. 16:13-14), but nonessential matters.
I don't know what to tell you. I do the same thing...It's weird I get really uncomfortable talking to people. Before when I was browsing through churches to see which one I would settle in..when ever I did talk to anyone, they would keep pointing out things I'm doing wrong...and how that's "not christian" so I got fed up...that's why I almost always scurry to the door at the end of session..
I generally just don't like people. Thus, a church being surrounded by lots of people is unnerving to me. Then the post church milling around time, well I usually rush out of the church unless I know someone there to I think I should greet so it doesn't really bother me much.
My fear about church is definitely the Holy Cannibalism... er... Communion. Right.
Maybe I'm missing something, but is there really a need to stand around and socialize after mass? In my hometown, I do because I know so many people, but if I go to church in my new neighborhood, it's predominantly tourists and people who don't know each other anyway, so I always head straight out afterwards.
@Lost_In_Reverie - For me, I grew up in a small church that met in people's houses. We'd stay after and talk a long time, even eat dinner together. So I'm used to church being a very social place. Thus, I feel terribly guilty about taking off like that and not just sitting there and interacting with people.
@naphtali_deer - Yes--church governance is a tricky thing. When a congregation feels neglected, matters get ugly very quickly
(I'm kidding! promise!). Glad to hear it gets easier, though.
@escaping_logic - Being a Christian isn't an overnight process, takes a lot of time to become more like Christ. I don't know details of your story, but sounds like they could have been more patient with you.
@mrcolorful - Aww. Maybe one day I too can learn not to like people
@GreekPhysique - yeah, its no big deal. I've come to learn my faith is between me and god, and no one can tell me if I am Christian enough... I don't mind the local gatherings... I just shy away from people who speak to me that way.
@escaping_logic - Once in a while, though, correction is good. Recently a Xanga friend or two corrected me. I was very hurt,but thought about it and did get something good out of it that I needed.
I fear the time I have when I get there too early. I'm new at my church too. If I get there before the service starts I just stand around awkwardly, scared to talk to anyone, until someone talks to me. I feel so out of place sometimes. I'm slowly making friends there though. Still though, I think I'm always going to feel afraid until my friends show up.
I used to have no fears about church, other than hitting the wrong notes in the choir anthem. Then I began to fear the effects of the pastor's very black and white views and his inability to understand human emotion. Now I fear becoming involved and forming friendships. Sad, huh?
I also fear the mandatory shaking of hands with everyone sitting around you. I was so happy when they gave that up for flu season, but now it's back.
I fear complacency, superiority, insulating ourselves from reality, lack of true love for each other and for the communities we place our buildings in. For me the church is the body not the building, I love the body and want to see us keep growing and living.
I've always struggled with being nervous talking to people, especially the crowds. Then I took a class studying Ephesians and learned that isolating myself is completely opposite to what the church is all about, and even if the clique-ish crowd isn't doing a good job, part of why God has me at the church I'm at is to foster genuine fellowship that is a testimony to the complete uniqueness of what Christ has done - even if I make a fool of myself doing it.
Specifically this year, though, I'm afraid of saying something I completely don't intend and seriously offending someone by my ignorance - because I'm not quite fluent in Spanish, and I go to a Spanish-speaking church.
A/ it's good that you're even recognizing this, much less admitting it. Many people don't like to take the time to do the former and are brilliant at avoiding the latter. Facing it allows you to work through it, although it might take a long time to do so.
B/ I experience this every time I go to an art opening, which is a lot. They freak me OUT. If they're my art opening/a show I have work in, it's about forty times worse. Ask yourself why the social thing is scaring you in this way and think about why that's irrational and then think about how our minds don't like rationality all the time and finally accept the irrational discomfort as a good challenge to push yourself through. It's possible nothing will fix your anxiety-- no magic technique is going to control the way you feel.
Understanding is key to battling "problem" behaviors/attitudes, and throwing a blog post/query out like this one is a good way to get to that understanding. Good stuff.
@searchingxforxtruthxxx - I still feel that way at times. I've been going to my church for a little over four years, and I still don't know a lot of people. I know the kids, and somewhat know the parents of some of the kids, and a few that are near my age. Aside from that I don't know too many people. So, I feel awkward at times just standing around. You learn to get past it though.
my fear is pretty much exactly like yours. I don't know many people and I have an impossibly difficult time just walking up to someone I don't know and starting a conversation. and I feel weird just standing/sitting there waiting for someone to come up to me and start a conversation, so I generally leave pretty soon after the service is over.
The one thing that comes to mind that helps me get connected is getting plugged into a group. The churches that I visit generally have what they call small groups/care groups and those help a lot. It gives the close, personal atmosphere that I feel is very important in a church.
Since I grew up in a small church (think 4-6 families), I have been raised to believe that church is for growth and communal worship but it is also very Biblical that we spend time with other believers and fellowship (for spiritual encouragement, exhortation, challenging each other. iron sharpening iron types of things.) We as Christians are called a body for a reason, we need each other.
That is actually my main fear also. I conquered them, but still were fears. Most ppl would not suspect it though bc i come across as very confident and outgoing in public, but really that is just submission to God's purpose at the time. He would want me to focus on being welcoming to someone else, for example. Its a lot like going through the motions- in faith we keep trying and our fears lesson and we feel more comfortable- our heart follows until our weaknesses give way to allowing God to transform them into strengths.
I get nervous in Sunday School. While I love learning about the Bible and since I graduated from a Bible college and like to think that I have a fairly decent knowledge of the Bible, I fear being put on the spot, being asked my opinon of something, or some difficult Bible-related question and I won't know the answer and will automatically condemn myself for being the worst Christian ever because I won't have the right words or know the right answer. Silly me, I'm just human and I'm there to learn, but that worries me.
I hate the whole "Greet the people around you." I don't know them, won't remember them, and it's the same with them. I really hate going to new churches. I hate not knowing anyone. Once I get to know people church is great. I'm an extrovert, and love talking to people. I do hate crowds though, so when church lets out I'm always very uncomfortable.
I've moved around so much that I know exactly how you feel. I'm sorry you're having a tough time, but hang in there. It does get better!
Good question. I've been in the same church for years. I guess I worry that if they knew my little mistakes they'd think differently of me. I am dreading going back (I haven't been lately because of school) and what people will say about my tattoo because it's visible (on my wrist). Not that I think they'd be judgmental, but you just never know when people have an expectation of you and you don't live up to it anymore. sigh.
I guess the biggest thing that scares me about church in general is just the sheer power of a group of people who believe they are doing the right thing, and are doing it for religious reasons. I've seen a lot of evil that can come of that, blind evil-and that's the worst kind, because people do not see their actions for what they are.
Lol, I know how you feel! I get trapped in the same kind of shyness, and the same kind of mental talks. Unfortunately, both just usually stress me out more about the whole thing and don't really help.
I've found that there are usually one or two other people who are shy too, but if I cannot spot any, than I usually talk to elderly people. I know it seems silly, but they usually are more forgiving and gentle than younger folks!!
Another thing you could try-you don't have to start a whole conversation with a group of people. Maybe to get your feet wet, you should go ahead and make your way to the door-but on your way, say a couple nice things to a few people on your way out. They will remember you, and it would be an ice breaker for future conversations.
And if you're feeling extra brave...you could just be out with it. Find one of those small groups and say you're new to the church and you don't really know many people, but introduce yourself and maybe say something about why you love Christ and what brought you to the church in the first place-you might strike a common chord with a few other people who have probably felt the same way before!!
Good luck. I'll be praying for ya.
Come to church with me! I'll introduce you around and talk to you so you don't feel all alone.
haha! me and my brothers perfected what we call the "duck and dodge" if that doesn't work than just go for the 'ol "smile and nod"
well these are for avoiding people....hmm to interact with church people....
you're on your own..
that its dying.
I get guilted into going to church by my parents precisely once a year, on Christmas eve. Now they know I'm not religious (my mom is ok with it and my dad says nothing, which means he isn't ok with it but acknowledges there's nothing he can do), but most of my family does not, except maybe a couple of cousins who go to their mother's church and not ours. And my biggest fear, though irrational, is that somehow I'll be 'outed', that somehow everyone will find out at once that I no longer believe, and my family won't talk to me anymore. Because one of my dad's cousins came out and said that he's atheist a few years ago and everyone talked about it disparagingly behind his back, and I don't want that to be me.
I love my church. they accepted me even before they knew me--even put my picture up on the missionary board when i was leaving for Brasil...but i sometimes still have that milling around and escape feeling after church. and i feel so stinkin guilty about it. going back and forth between two countries and styles of churches hasn't helped either...
i stopped attending church for a good while because i used to freeze up at the thought of walking in alone. i knew i would see a lot of people i knew and didn't want to admit i didn't have anyone to come with, no one i was waiting for, that i was in need of people to sit with. its seems silly now, though i'm still not completely over it at times even though i'm starting to rather enjoy sitting by myself, i can concentrate on the sermon better.
one day someone's going to figure out I hate the music we sing and the only reason I continue to go there is because the Pastor's message is always based on God's Word & God's Word alone. If I could just sneek in to hear the message & leave right after I'd be good with that.
I think I'm most scared about getting back stabbed again.
I just want to find my place; I think I have found it, but at the same time I don't think I'll have truely have a place anywhere.
I feel like there is nothing holding me in place; I have no ties. If I could just curl up tight enough I would just float off.
Maybe its not church I'm afraid of, just the people inside it.
I fear that I am not reaching out to people like you. I have to get to you fast enough. Linger.....give me a little time to get over there.
I don't know what it is about church.... the same thing happens to me! I am a lot more comfortable in any other setting with a bunch of stranger, why not church? I am convinced it is the spirit of rejection that manifests here in church, everyone is really just feeding off everyone else, also a spirit of religion, which judges people. So people are extremely sensitive to being judged & rejected. I hope and pray you meet some good people and that God make some good "God" connections for you.
I don't like all of the people and the germs so I cling to a friend for dear life. hehe
Plus I don't really know all of the God-lingo they use. It sounds too fabricated and repetitive. I wish people would speak from the heart more.
I don't really go to church, except when I'm forced to on Easter and Christmas eve. Nothing "scares me" really. But you don't seem like the shy type at all
awh!
Going to the bathroom. I hate when I really have to go at really un-opportune times lol
I am the exact same way! I'm so loud and outgoing in settings of a few people, but in a mass of the unknown I'm out of there. I'm one of those that sneaks out the church doors right after offering is taken
I agree with your comment tenfold. I am trying to live in the knowledge of that, empowered.
Love always
I fear church because of my history with churches. My family has been kicked out of every church we've been to, because we promoted change and welcomed the youth into the ministry.
Apparently, much of the older generation finds anything upbeat to be appalling.
I've been to so many churches.
Everyone there is boring. I have next to nothing in common with people at church. I always feel out of place. And I don't like to feel that way. They don't seem like real people either. Church camp in comparison was way better than church.
Hahaha.Great Post. My new church is a Catholic church because my fiance is Catholic---what scares me is the old people----everyone there is so old.
I fear that church [religion] is stinting human progress.
I don't like talking to priests, period.
I have the same fear about church, even though I've been at the same church for two and a half years. I'm the pianist, so EVERYONE knows me, but I can't remember names worth crap. Plus, I'm just generally very awkward in social situations. I will go way out of my way to avoid a purely social situation because I can never adjust to them very well. I can handle the actual church service or choir practice, as well as my college classes, but that weird time right before and after them makes me super anxious. I run for the door every time.
i think i have that same fear and that's one of the reasons i have a problem with church..
i feel that people there should be more observant welcoming to new people. especially those who have been around in that setting for a while.my biggest concern with the modern day churches are church cliques. i hate church cliques.i mean it's okay to have a close-knit group of friends.. only as long as they're welcoming to outsiders.too often i find that people at church are comfortable in their little groups without allowing others to come in.i feel that defeats the whole purpose of church. i've been trying to make it a personal mission to befriend all the outcasts.i hope more people start doing that... after all jesus pretty much started the whole hanging out with outcasts.
I feel your pain here. I am very good with people one on one but OMG get me in a group or crowd and I am as shy as they make them.
I fear nothing about church. I'm in a safe place. Church is another place to dance the dance of life. I almost always have a great time and if I'm not enjoying things I leave. No worries! I especially enjoy pentecostal churches. Those people know how to have some fun in church. I currently attend a free will baptist church. They get a little boring at times. I just throw in some 'amens' at in appropriate moments to make it more interesting.
I get terrified when I'm in that situation as well. For several reasons, usually among them the fact that I'm stupidly hungry and will most likely snap at someone... but, also, because I don't usually want to discuss the sermon. I, as you know, hold very different opinions that traditional christians. Because of this, I don't want to discuss the sermon because I probably didn't agree with it, and because most church-goers have very set, very agreeable (as in agreeing with the message) opinions on the sermon, unless I feel up for a fight or a heavy discussion I tend to avoid talking to people.
Plus, I always feel mildly claustrophobic in those types of situations.
If it makes you feel any better, I have the same fear. It's gotten better over the years, but I still have those awkward moments after church. I think it's worse for singles.
This is another excellent blog and you have elicited a good variety of comments and opinions! The Christian church, among other things, is a regular gathering of God's children in order to hear His Word, the Bible, read in public and exposited or explained. It's always been customary, too, to sing God's praises together and to enjoy fellowship or communion with those of "like precious faith!" I am convinced that, because the church, here on earth, is composed of imperfect human beings (all of us that is), we are never going to find a totally flawless church this side of heaven. But we are ALL needed and really should do our best to attend. The apostle wrote to the Hebrew believers of the first century diaspora, that they should "not (be) forsaking the gathering together (with other believers) as the manner of some is." We should, I feel strongly, pray for the pastor regularly and "esteem him highly in love for the work's sake!" We should learn to listen to those around us, and then quietly pray for them. The more we sincerely pray for those around us, the more likely we will be to learn to love them - even those tourists who are 'here today and gone tomorrow!"
I now have to work every Saturday and Sunday and REALLY MISS attending my little church. When I'm able, I attend the Wednesday evening prayer meeting instead.
I was taken to church by my parents when I was a baby, Church has been a part of me for over seventy-eight years. I've always felt that it was one of the most important factors that have shaped my character!
@Grampa_David - I have struggled a lot from not having a consistent church this last 1.5 years. I hope a door will open for you as well to have more fellowship!
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