June 24, 2011
-
Why Dating Older Men is Overrated
First, a gigantic disclaimer (grabs large megaphone) I AM GENERALIZING so please, please, please, don't feel judged or upset if you are an older man or younger woman in a great relationship with the other. I am not saying never date an older man. I'm just saying that many times, younger women overrate them.
A few months ago, I had a discussion with a Xangan (Edit: It was Jenn) about older men versus younger men. (I don't remember her username, or I would link, in fairness.) She was in her early 20's and preferred older men. I, strangely enough, tried to tell her to date younger men. (I'm 31, for the record). After about 5-6 back-and-forth comments on her pulse, we exchanged messages until we understood each other better. Why in the world would I be metaphorically stabbing myself in the back?
Let's assume you are a 21-year-old woman, old enough that you can date a wide range of men. You could date the 21-year-old pre-med student at your college, or you could date the 29-year-old businessman you met at the local bar. At first, the decision seems easy. The 29-year-old understands women better, he has more experience, he tells funnier jokes, and he makes enough money so he can take you to good restaurants. The 21-year-old might be in slightly better shape, but he's not as polished, he doesn't really have any money, and he isn't able to focus on you as well as the 29-year-old. Easy, right?
But let's think about this from a more long-term perspective. The 29-year-old has 8 more years of picking up women (to be blunt) under his belt. He may have some funny stories ready for the first few dates...the same ones he's been telling girls for the last 5 years. Mr. 29 has more money now, but don't you think Mr. 21 will be making more money in about 5 years? And think about this...Mr 29 may understand 21-year-old women well, but does he really understand YOU? He moves his hands around and talks in generalities, but does he really get you? Or is he just good at spouting pickup lines and generic compliments? He may be better at seeming infatuated with you, but that also means he'll be better at cutting you off emotionally once you are attached to him and he gets what he wants. I get the feeling that some older men are merely reading off cue cards, haha; they aren't reacting to you, they are trotting out the same 10-step plan they've used on the last 10 girls they dated.
As for Mr. 21? He may be more immature now. But the fact is, if you and Mr. 21 start a relationship, Mr. 21 is young enough to learn and grow. Good luck getting Mr. 29 to change for you after all those years of being single. Mr. 29 presents a better front, but is he able to commit and connect with you the way Mr. 21 could? And also, will you respect Mr. 29 as much once you get a little older yourself and Mr. 29's smooth, man-of-the-world style doesn't seem as novel? We all remember respecting certain older kids only to wonder what we were amazed at a few years later.
Finally, as if I haven't been provocative enough...and forgive me, but I need to say this. I see a lot of young women latching onto an older man so they don't have to grow up alone. They don't want to go into that cruel, busy world without a guide. They are intimidated by the tough choices they have to make. So essentially, they find a guide who makes them feel safe and secure, and pay him with love/sex. Don't use an older guy as a crutch. It's not fair to him or you. Sooner or later, he'll get tired of playing older brother/daddy, or you'll get tired of being treated as the younger, immature one.
Again, it is possible to have a GREAT relationship with an older man, and for an older man to be an absolutely amazing partner. And I think that some of the younger women I've liked and been friends with were amazingly loving, loyal, and interesting. But, I think that the balance has swung too far. Older men are overrated, and I don't think anyone is talking about these drawbacks to older men. So, there you go. The more you know, and all that.
Comments (68)
Also, LOL at the text I just got from a younger woman as I typed this. TIMING.
i never heard of the guide thing hmm...
I'm glad you warned me. I won't be dating any older men now.
@grammarboy - Phew. I am sorry for leading you into temptation to begin with. Ha, but I did correct the title a little bit.
Key words: generalizations. Also: mostly false ones.
My "older man" is only 3 years my senior. I was infatuated with a man twice my age when I was 18. Everything you listed here is exactly true. Absolutely everything. But I grew up and realized that having someone to make a life with and grow old with is far more appealing than some charm and wit of an older man.
Nicely put!
I guess I shouldn't call that 50 year old who gave me his number last week, huh?
I see your point and sure some men might be playing their field... I guess it also depends where and under what circumstances you meet. I frankly have never dated older... in fact one year under and one year over... I'm 26 and I'm hadn't been into the dating scene until last year but I turn down most... I just don't feel like anyone it worth getting to know anymore... :/ older or younger...And worse the older men who I have met who just want to jump the gun and forget about the introductions... Maybe I've just met all wrong people...
When women say they exclusively date older men I think it's weird. daddy issues/golddigger ??
It's an interesting thought.. though, I myself also prefer older men. I've always been more mature than my years and I find that a lot of men around my age are just annoying lol.. seriously, they're not career focused and all they wanna do is go out and party blah blah and it's just not what I like to always do. I'm a pretty quiet person and I feel that as men mature, they settle down more and aren't into such a fast lifestyle. Which is what I want.. a slow and boring life
@GreekPhysique - ME! lol.
agreed, completely.
great points.
@grammarboy - lol.
But I'm dating a older man..just by five years and it's been going fine really. Great in fact. I've tried dating my age and it doesn't work for me. I guess it depends. It may feel overrated but it comes down to preference etc;
Sorry, this might apply to some other folks, but I think I'll be sticking with older men, thanks.
I dated a guy who was ten years older than me for a few months (I was 24, he was 34). He had two kids. At first it was fairly good, and then it was like he just wanted someone to take care of his kids for him. Also, he was extremely negative and angry about everything, especially women. It ended up being torture for me. He had no interest in getting to know me as a person, only how I would benefit his life. I ended up feeling very used. Of course I don't assume that all older men are like that, but it was definitely an eye opener. That's the largest age gap I've experienced.
The sad is even though you are generalizing, this describes my best friend and her boyfriend's relationship. She's 19 and he's at least 27 (though we don't know his exact age which makes it all the more creepy). My boyfriend and I are 18 & 22 (yes he's older but it's way more reasonable than them) and we both can tell that our relationship is way more mature than theirs. She complains that MY boyfriend is always poor and can't take me out all the time and then she brags about how hers can buy her everything and take her on trips and everything. Her boyfriend's a professor; mine is getting his doctorate in physical therapy. I'm pretty sure my boyfriend will have more than hers.
You forgot a reason not to date Mr. 29. When I'm 22, He'll be 30.
Darn I guess I should back away from the older guys :p
I can definitely agree with this. Everything is situational though. My cousin is 21 and dating a 27 year old, and I honestly think they have one of the healthiest relationships I've ever seen. However, I have another cousin who married a man ten years older than her. Not quite so healthy.
Older guys are creepy. 3 years older is my cutoff. It was always weird when my freshman friends (in high school) would date seniors or guys out of high school. Just, no.
Yes, but what about dating younger men? Personally, I think I'm more tempted to become a cougar...
As a fellow 31 year old man myself, I had no idea there were all these younger women out there looking to date older men. Then again, I haven't really been looking myself so eh.
@NikBv - Aren't you dating ShimmerBodyCream?
And Greek, thanks for giving the ladies a hint
21 year old over here, step right up!
I promise not to date any older men. I don't think my wife would appreciate that.
I've dated guys older & younger. Depends more on what stage they're at than the actual chronological age.
SO in other words beware of the pick up artist, the manipulator. The older ones are better at it therefore far more dangerous. But after looking a wee bit deeper and the older guy is not a pick up artist or a manipulator isn't all that extra maturity and polish a better thing? And is a younger manipulator a better guy to have a relationship with? Maybe the issue is not the guys age at all
I've never dated an "older" guy, but this is an interesting perspective. I will keep this in mind.
@trunthepaige - You're just the way I like them, thick and juicy. God, underneathe the sheets with you, who needs a heater?
@RulerofMasons - As a matter of fact I am better than you can ever dream of having....I am the pleasures that you will never know. So the question is... "is a dream a lie if it don't come true, or is it something worse?"
I used to like older men because I found that they were on my level, rather than being under my level of maturity as some of my co-eds were.
I realized, though, now that I am dating a more mature younger man, that if an older man was at the level of maturity I was when I dated them, that they were actually even further under the maturity level of their own age. For example, I was 19 and dated a 23 year old man, and in some aspects I was even more responsible than he was although he was older. I think I'm just turned off from that one bad experience, but I would never date someone more than 2 years older than me. It's weird that they have so much more life experience, and they're probably in a different place and mindset than I am at that time.
I like younger guys, but I'm somewhat afraid that if I were to ever become single again my attraction might become "Lolita-esque", since I still feel young at heart and I look much younger than 22. I am petite, and very attracted to the "scene" boy look, skinny guys wearing tight jeans, well-groomed hair, hairless body... which...seems pre-pubescent in some ways. Totally makes me feel like a creepster in that way. Like my obsession with JBiebs. He's so adorable...lmao.
Then again, at 21, a lot of men are still working out whom they wish to be and are not equipped to build a lasting relationship.
Some people are talented liars/charmers from a very early age and sometimes women are perfectly happy playing a supporting role.
I say, no matter whom you date, just be sure you're clear on who they truly are and what they want from life before you commit.
There are different general pitfalls involved in dating every age and every "type" of man. I say, these are probably some valuable things to consider if you begin to date an older man, but I would not write off a man because of something over which he has no control. I would, however, write off anyone who makes remarks like ToolofMasons up there.
There are guys who are idiots at any age. It should be less about age and more about how they treat you and if your personalities work together. But I don't have any complaint that women date guys younger than them. Women of all ages should have the same options as men.
LOL I think this Xangan you forgot is me. And I didn't think the conversation was heated at all. haha And it's not that I prefer older men, I just tend to attract older ones.
I have found that it comes down to maturity. Some people are more mature at a younger age but not all. There were plenty of 21 year olds I knew who just wanted to play around. Sometimes I think women want to date someone older because they might be more ready at that age to settle down.
Then again my boyfriend of almost 3 years is a year younger than me.
@haloed - Ah, I think a lot of 18-year-old women have made that mistake. I hope one of them reads your thoughtful comment and thinks about it.
@mypandabear - LOL yes, only 40-year-olds for you!
@pinktiger335 - Sounds like you're meeting older men who think you are an easy target. Good to turn them down, or try to figure out how to attract the good ones.
@MochaSprinkle - haha. You are one of the few women who really does want a slow, boring life in the world. :-p You know what you want, at least.
@jess_i_cuh - AH!!! I can't forgot I forgot to post about that! dumb. I should have remembered. GREAT point, yes, it's not as fun when you are 32 and he is 40 and planning for retirement, ha.
@supanamja - All I will say is, once I got to a certain age, I seemingly became a lot more attractive. I try to avoid disparaging theories as to why that happened, but...it's interesting.
@Coffee_Kaioken - I'll tell the young ladies that although they can't have me, they can have an excellence substitute :-p You're free to advertise on my page, ha.
@NikBv - Sigh, you and your older men. STOP FLIRTING WITH ME BEFORE I TELL @ShimmerBodyCream - . :-p
@trunthepaige - I kind of wish I had phrased it a little differently. It's not that old men are these masters of manipulation, but more that they've had more practice doing the same things. But you do have a point that age doesn't completely matter. That's partly my point too; why overrate a guy just because he's older? I liked me at 24 more than I like me at 31, ha.
Thanks for reminding me!
@rays_anatomy - you're welcome.
@RulerofMasons - Don't talk to women like that on my page, man. That's a friend of mine, and you need to have some respect. I don't care that much when you joke about me, but you can't sexually joke about ladies like that. Stop it, and you should apologize. Paige is a wife and soon-to-be mom and deserves respect.
@starcrossedloversdivine - Aww, I kind of sympathize with looking much older or younger than your age. That is tough.
@lanney - But is it really that bad if your man is still figuring out who he is at 21? He'll do it again at 30...35...40 anyway. Otherwise, good thoughts.
@jennfaceee - I fixed the post to reflect your comments.
I think you make good points here, you have articulated something I've noticed myself in the past (I am 31). I just never would have been able to put it into words as you have.
@GreekPhysique - LOL No problem.
@GreekPhysique - Funny, is that all the men I meet are like that period. If I had figured out how to get the good ones... I would have done so a long time ago. I don't do anything that would make me seem bad... I'm quiet quiet and reserved in person. But, maybe slutty attracts the good ones? Not willing to find out that way though.
I have to agree with you to a certain extent on this. I've noticed many of us girls tend to hope older means more mature, understanding of how to handle a relationship, and willing to settle down. Unfortunately it really doesn't mean anything. Most people seem to mature quite a bit over their 20s (or 30s) but plenty others are still pretty much exactly who they were in college (or worse).
In saying that, I'm in a fantastic relationship with a guy who's 7 years older (he's 31). But I'd love him the same if he were 21 or 41.
http://gossiponthis.com/2011/06/23/doug-hutchinson-green-mile-marries-16-year-old-aspiring-country-singer/
what do you think of that?
@GreekPhysique -I didn't say it was bad. It's just that a lot of the people I knew went through a bit of a revolutionary phase at around that age and were so busy figuring out what they believed about the world that it would be hard to say if they had common goals and standards with someone else. Again, not everyone, and it certainly doesn't mean no one should date a 21-year-old. I'm just mentioning the other side of the coin--older may be jaded; younger may be bewildered. Usually those who are close in age are more compatible, but there are very few hard-and-fast rules about who can make a good team.
I dated and then married a much older man; a few of your generalizations are spot on but most don't really apply to my situation. I could add a whole other set of issues that come up in relationships with olders but I'll save that for blog of my own someday. From my observations over the years I believe that the easiest relationships to maintain long term are the ones with just enough differences in age, background, religion and politics to maintain excitement but not enough to actually create a gap. Age wise I think the easiest range is around 3 - 5 years difference. As you said that doesn't mean a relationship with a much wider age span can't work it just means I think it will be harder. For the record I dated men of many different ages but ended up married to a man 16 years older and yes there were and are really tough times and odd things to deal with along the way.
I've never really cared to date older men. I'm 20, and I can't imagine dating anyone over the age of say... 22. But then again, I think I'm in denial on how old I am, lol.
This is an interesting post, Greek. Thanks for sharing. My two best friends married guys who were quite a few years older than them (at least it seemed that way at the time, both were in their earlier 20s and married men nearly 30). Their relationships are beautiful. The guys, I guess, just took a bit longer to figure out what they wanted and the girls knew ahead of time, it seemed. Interestingly, one of my friend's grandmother told her when we were about 21 -- wait until you're 28 to get married. You'll both know what you want by then. I would say, for the most part, what someone wants and needs in a relationship at age 21 is far different than at 28. Also, people are much more themselves (more set in personality and character) at this age, so it is easier to measure trajectory -- which is one of the most important character measurements in someone to whom a person is planning to commit. I guess girls think they know what they want earlier, but you're probably right -- maybe they don't.
@At_Sixes_And_Sevens - I'll take that bet.
Wow. I'm 21, and I'm always saying how I need an older man because all the college guys I've dated have been extremely immature. It's nice to think of it this way. Thanks for your perspective.
I've always ended up dating older men, whether it was by 2 years or 8 years. After my last relationship failed, I had a thing with a younger guy and it was awful. The immaturity and selfishness was unbelievable. I'm currently in the best relationship I've ever had, and he's got me by over 10 years. Seems crazy, but sometimes age just doesn't matter, it's how you connect with someone. We "click", and when you've found that person, I don't see any reason to get hung up on numbers.
Unfortunately most of the older single men who I know are hitting midlife crisis and want a young trophy woman. They get to old to keep up with the younger woman and wonder why older women want nothing to do with them.
@At_Sixes_And_Sevens - I bet they have better luck at getting hard than you do at using proper punctuation.
While I can see the pros and cons, and appreciate the disclaimers you added, I am one of the lucky ones who found someone perfect for me, regardless of age.
On the other hand, men are generally attracted to youth and beauty. So is it not interesting that you, being a man, are trying to persuade women to at least go for the youth?
Well gosh, the world knows I'm with a man twice my age. Does he make me feel safe and secure? Yes. Does it come from his life experience? Finances? "Practice?" No. It comes from the gentle whisper, "I love you," which speaks to my heart parallel a channel that God uses. Getting into my relationship, the life experience was more of an intimidating thing. I feared things like looking so dumb in his eyes. It made me feel small. I felt like he would be a know-it-all, trying to get me to walk the path he already made. In my case, it didn't happen that way, but there are more unique things than that about my Ronnie and me. In the beginning, I think my biggest concerns were knowing that he would likely die a while before me, and I wouldn't have someone to experience the awe and newness of life with me (after all, hadn't he been there and done it all already?)
Generalizations... I'm not a fan.
My sister is 26, and married to a man who is 36. She has a step-son who is 16. Now that's downright creepy, if you ask me.
@MochaSprinkle - My sentiments exactly.
I definitely agree.... I'd say that it also has to deal with maturity and sort of where are you in life as well. I mean a 29 year old is probably not too crazy about going out and clubbing everynight like a possible 21 year old girl. She could still also be very concerned about meeting friends etc while he really will be going into his thirties and thinking about marriage and children within the next 5 years.Personally, I find it's hard for me to connect to anyone who is even 3 years older then me. I'm 17...and dating someone who is 20 is a bit strange to me because he would be in university and I know nothing about what it feels like to be living with that mindset and in that place in life(moving out of the house, thinking of a full time job etc). I'm not claiming I'm not mature, I just think that a conversation with the person would be different and quite frankly a bit uneasy on my part since I would be worried about sounding too young or inexperienced(in terms of life experience). I'd probably also feel stupid if I couldn't relate to let's say business or something that they're taking in university that I know nothing about to the same(or at all or even close to) extent:|
While I understand that older men have more experience and is more financially stable... You fail to mention that they may seem more attractive to women with the mentality that they want to slow things down, build something meaningful because they are tired of the late night partying, etc. I've dated older guys and most were past that "phase." The guys who are within 1-2 years of my age are still in that stage of wanting to have fun. Personally, it's a turn off.
this is definitely the reality of that situation!
I can really relate to this. I was really down in the dumps a few years back so I thought I could fill the void by hopefully meeting someone from a dating website. I was 18 and I started to see this 25 year old I had met off the site. He was nothing I would normally go for in a guy: overweight, overly-career driven, cynical and as I later found out, manipulative. I think, as you put it much more sophisticatedly, I was just lost and needed a 'guide'. Someone who could give me all this acquired 'wisdom' so I could avoid all the struggles and pain that comes with growing up. I was naive to think that sleeping with him meant something more and perhaps a possible impetus for a relationship. The added years of experience just meant he had more practice on spinning shit and it didn't help that he was a Psych. major.
@TheInappropriateSkirt - I'm 52 and I'm interested in dating Suze Orman but my wife doesn't know about it. Suze is older than me and it's exceedingly likely that she's not interested in me as a person...but ohhhh that mullet...she'd probably be extremely negative and angry about everything especially me having the wrong equipment...if I could only give her stinky feet a good tongue bath it would change everything...sigh......those sparkly eyes under the mullet....
You could just try finding an older man who isn't a static douche...?
sounds a bit self-absorbed to me...
As of the past 2 months, I'd agree for the most part. Some details differ, but yeah, I'd rather have someone closer to my age. T+3, max. Not a hard rule, but the lifestyle differences are quite a challenge at times.
experience > no experience
Great post. Very well written
Very good post. My kids' father is 10 years older then me and when we were recently talking about our divorce he told me" I just kept waiting for you to grow up" I answered with an ummm I was 18 when we started dating if i was immature then why the hell did you marry me. He told me I wasn't imature till we had kids and i was 21 because i seemed so lost. hmmm 5 kids in 5 years already basically being a single parent(cuz he would just sit on the couch and drink all day while i took care of the kids) anyone would seem lost.Frankly i think either one ofus had no business dating someone with such an age gap.
i agree with this wholeheartedly. i think age is just a number, but you never should date someone solely based on how old they are.
Sweetie, if she's 20 and you're 31, you're the older man.
She just means that she wants someone with a brain, financial support and doesn't smoke pot and play video games all day. I am 100% for the older man, regardless of his body figure. Plus, I cannot even imagine attracting a young guy. They seem to fall for the easy stupid girls first because they're only looking for hookups. Jersey Shore has turned into National Shore, ya know? So, I don't need a Vinny or a Ronnie. I need like a George Clooney or whoever.
I would definitely not assume that sex is "payment". Women love sex, just as much if not more than men. Of all my friends, the women seem to be after sex so much more, and it also can be a deal breaker in their relationships, whereas the things my guyfriends say lead me to believe they are more lenient with not-as-much-sex or too-much-sex.
Versus some girlfriends who cut things off if their man isn't putting out like he used to.
sorry, I'm nit-picking. lol.
YES! I FULLY APPROVE THIS! And you know exactly why :3
Comments are closed.