July 25, 2011
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Provocative Thoughts on Beauty: Good People Marry Sexy People
As a "nice, serious guy" and a Christian guy who reads a lot of advice for nice, earnest, and/or Christian folk, I'm used to the stereotyping of our gender. Most guys (and occasionally girls) are seen as ungrateful malcontents who would be married by now if they'd just stop trying to marry a supermodel and lower their beauty standards. There is some fairness to this comment, trust me, and I think guys can definitely be too picky. There's also an unfortunate trend towards just wanting whatever society says is most beautiful to boost your own self-esteem.
However, the dark side is that Christian guys feel pressure to like the right kind of girl, even if they don't find her beautiful. Christian culture tries to tell us we're selfish, that our minds have been corrupted by TV images and readily available Internet smut if we don't like Plain Jane from First Baptist. We should just find a nice, sensible girl to settle down with and all would be fine. Really?
Fact is, plenty of women that some parts of society deem unattractive get married. But without sexual attraction to the other person's beauty, there can't be a relationship. And given those supposed corrupting TV images don't stop after marriage, what chance does your nice Christian guy have of staying married if he doesn't have an intense physical attraction to his spouse to begin with? Believe it or not, some Christian guys have tried to like a girl because it seemed like the right thing to do, because she had a lot of good qualities, even though she didn't physically attract them. They stay with the wrong girl for far too long, hoping that somehow they'll see beauty in her. I don't think it works that way. I think a guy assesses beauty on the spot, and very rarely does it change over time. But I think that women may indeed change their perception of a guy's beauty over time, which makes comparing the sexes confusing. Prove me wrong?
EDIT: I know I'll get some flack for apparently mixing Christian and nice in this blog. I'm talking more about the intersection--"That nice Christian boy down the street" rather than saying all nice people are Christian or what have you.
Comments (20)
Hmm, I don't know if a guys perception of beauty doesn't change over time. What about all the men who constantly upgrade to a younger, "prettier" model?
Eh, both sexes age differently guys go through a "silver fox" stage before everything goes to pot. Women are pressured by the media to keep looking fly well past when their hair should be graying and their face should be showing wrinkles. I think people perceive beauty through the media and want to continue to defy aging as long as they possibly can. I'm so tired of it. I was seeing someone who had copious amounts of grey/white hair coming in and it didn't make me like them any more or less than when we started talking.
The right person is after things that don't have physical attributes. Sure some fly guys might think I'm hot but I'm not all that interested in a beefcake.
Eek I agree... Overtime a guy does seem more attractive and appealing to me by who they are.
I guess I'm never getting married haha!!! oh well... I can't talk much about guy's perception...
I agree with you. I think in some cases, a guy can find a woman more beautiful with time, but I think this post is generally true. Physical attraction really does need to be there for a relationship to spark. I would NEVER want to think that a man was dating me because he felt like he should, even though he didn't find me attractive. I'll gladly pass, thanks. People deserve to be with someone who finds them attractive, not someone who's dating them out of duty or settling.
I agree with you. From what I've seen with guys, those who tend to marry plain Janes because they are sweet, mother-of-his-child material years later, end up cheating on her with some hot chick. I think it does a severe disservice to suggest that sexual attraction shouldn't be a deciding factor in a marriage... it should be. That is what will quell the fire. I don't think it is out of line for Christianity. God invented the whole system of sex and attraction. It's not dirty.
While I obviously don't know anything about what a man requires from a woman, I do know how I work. If I am attracted to a man's personality and intellect, I will become attracted to him physically. I know for a fact that he could be short, bald, and 20 years older than myself, but if he and I click personally, he can make me weak in the knees with no effort whatsoever.
I don't know how it is for guys. But I've experienced before thinking a person was only somewhat attractive, and then after getting to know them more they became very attractive to me. That being said, I've never experienced being unattracted to a person and then after getting to know them more finding them attractive. It seems I have to find them attractive in the beginning for their attractiveness to increase haha.
Maybe it's different for girls because maybe girls sort of...intertwine emotional attraction and physical attraction with each other, rather than seeing them separately. I don't know, just a thought.
And I think it's totally ok to wait for someone you really are compatible with. Marriage is so hard, and being with someone just because they fit the qualification of "that nice Christian kid" and not because you also actually "click" will make you miserable in the future.
Oh and by the way, I like this blogging game!
I also think that, if you're dating someone because they're the right pick on paper, that attraction won't happen. The personal connection which is neither worthiness-based nor beauty-based is necessary. I think that a lot of people dismiss others as possibilities when the physical chemistry doesn't come instantly. They don't wait to see if the personal connection could be made.
I'd say most Christian people I know aren't nice. Religion isn't a deal-breaker, but it's definitely not a plus in someone's favor for me. I figure that if two people are so wrapped up in God and the Bible and being good Christian people that they can't help but find each other attractive....It's more about wanting the same things and disliking the same things, like wanting 2.5 kids and dog and privately condemning the vile, fornicating hippies who refuse to get married down the street while you tell that you'll pray for them when you see them.
It works the other way, too........... :/
I agree!
Being physically attracted to each other is pretty important in a relationship and anyone who says otherwise is lying.
@ange_lae - Fair comment. Again, I think there's a lot of logic in not being too obsessed with looks. But there has to be an initial spark there, I think.
@pinktiger335 - Ha, well it is charming that a man has a chance to improve by his behavior. Shows you are open-minded!
@Thatslifekid - It's tricky. I'm not interested in a supermodel, but I do have several traits that I always find hot, and I would like my wife to have at least one of them. And no, it's not something like "curves of a goddess", ha, just some little quirks of things I like.
@Pickwick12 - That too...sometimes I think I've been doing someone a favor by dating them and hoping I find them hot...then I kind of waste their time. It's happened, sadly. Good intentions, but bad results...
@TiredSoVeryTired - Yes. I Corinthians 7:2-5 is very clear that marriage is supposed to be an aid against cheating sex, and that regular marital sex is supposed to be a block against being tempted.
@lanney - You know, I never really understood that about women, that the personal connection can be very attractive. I suppose that's why so many crushes turned out to surprise me, ha, took me a while to see how that works.
Hugs.
@galadrielspitcher - I think you make a good point, there has to be a little attractiveness first, or it can't increase. Complete unattractiveness at first sight is tough to overcome.
@BranmacFeabhail - I see your point, religion can definitely be a unifying force. Oooh her Bible reading makes me SO hot. :-p
@psycocrazypony - Aww, what do you mean the other way? Poor sad pony
@BarniganFlarn - Heh so true....
@GreekPhysique - haha, I've always been very open-minded. =D
@GreekPhysique - Not all women are that way, otherwise Chippendales wouldn't exist. I think the majority of conservative Christian girls are, though, because of the way we were raised. Not in an intentional way--no one ever said to me, "If he's good, you'll think he's hot." There was simply a focus on a potential mate having a strong character and none of the "Hey, check that out!" which seems to occur so much among the men and among the "sexually-liberated" women. We might giggle over the cute new guy, but if he turned out to be a jerk, he was readily dismissed. When you're not allowed to "make out" with your boyfriend, you have to actually enjoy his company in order to stick with him.
I have to disagree from my own experience. As a female, I tried to date men that I wasn't physically attracted to because they had multiple great qualities and my thought was I would grow to find this person attractive...I guess I proved myself wrong. I am sure it could be different in any situation but I don't think this is an always right statement. I have also gained attraction to people over time though as well. What a confusing topic. LOL
Hi! ...a bit on the fence about the "guys don't change their assessment of girls' looks over time" bit but great post!
This post reminds me of the lines in a song, "Don't chose me because I am able. Don't chose me because I am kind. If your heart settles on me, I'm for the taking. Take me for longing or leave me behind."
Great series of posts, I enjoyed reading all the comments which is rare
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