November 28, 2011
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"Adventurous" Dater vs. "Desperate" Dater: What's the Difference?
Suppose that this weekend, a longtime friend told you one of the following:
*Next weekend a man who I met on the Internet is flying in to meet me
*I just joined an online dating site that promises to match me to a perfectly harmonious, chemistry-filled partner
*The office secretary offered to set me up with her granddaughter, we go out for coffee Tuesday.
If it were some friends, I'd say "Great idea!" while others, I think I would wince and pretend to smile. What makes the difference? No one wants to be labeled as a desperate dater, but on the other hand, part of finding a potential significant other involves taking risks, especially at first. How do you tell the difference?
Here's what separates adventure from desperation for me. These rules intentionally don't make sense for real life but might make sense for dating:
*When it isn't fun, you quit. OH MAN THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF EVERYTHING EVER because Never quit! Work hard! Winston Churchill and your high school sports coach, right? But dating is different. When it isn't fun anymore, when you keep trying to talk yourself into dates with comments like "Well at least her family seems nice" or "He is flying all the way out here and all", you should know better. You've crossed the line from adventurous to desperate.
*If your peers don't immediately think it's fantastic, don't do it. My friend relentlessly hammered me for a dating choice this summer. I tried to explain it and rationalize it, of course, but his words led me to think harder about my choice and ask the right questions. I will naturally be delivering the same call tonight to him, because that's what friends do. Smirk. But seriously, if your friends give you that nodding "it could work" look or the fake smile reserved for Christmas mitten gifts from Grandma, Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Get on That Site.
*It should still be fun without the drugs. Let me explain this one. If you really think you like some woman halfway across the USA, suppose she instead lived next door to her and you went to school with her. Would you still find her interesting? Does she remind you of other women you've loved? Or is the long-distance plus exotic factor her main attraction? Make him or her ordinary, and strip the experience of the drug-like high of chasing a long-shot love. Still interested? Would you still go out with the secretary's granddaughter if it wasn't for the smug pride boost of getting set-up? Think about it.
Comments (15)
I'm taking notes here. Next articles I need are "Dating 101 for the Clueless and Introverted" and "Why You Should Date Instead of Doting on Your Cute Dog All Day." I definitely agree with #1 and also think #3 is definitely to be noted. Always reality check crushes!
Forever alone, friend, forever alone!
@TheMushyPear - Sigh, if only I were as sexy as a pear, I wouldn't mind it (cries).
@ShimmerBodyCream - haha. But see, at the end of a day, cute dogs > most dates, so I can't argue! And some adventures are/were definitely worth taking, especially if truffles are involved. :p
@GreekPhysique - You're not the only one fretting about that, in this day and age!
Number one is legit.
It's hard to say how I'd react to each of these lines -- I think it depends on the details in each situation...
"Next weekend a man who I met on the Internet is flying in to meet me." <-- How long has your friend known them? Several months/years? Or just a few weeks?
"I just joined an online dating site that promises to match me to a perfectly harmonious, chemistry-filled partner." <-- Are they saying this sarcastically? It's fine if they joined, but bad if they actually believe the website's claim to match them to a "perfectly harmonious, chemistry-filled partner." Load of crap. Get real.
"The office secretary offered to set me up with her granddaughter, we go out for coffee Tuesday." <-- Complete blind date? Or has your friend seen pictures?
Also -- @ShimmerBodyCream -- I am one of those annoying people who posts ridiculously cute pictures of their adorable dog all the time... I guess it's a good thing I'm already hitched haha
@JordanLevitts - hehe I post pictures of my cat
as for the tips...yes number 1 for sure! don't date someone just because they are nice if you don't actually like them in that way
. your relationship shouldn't be boring so soon!
these made me laugh! I think, an adventurous dater takes risks, but has high standards and knows what they're looking for. A desperate dater is trying to find someone, anyone, to fullfill some lacking self esteem issues. The difference isn't the action, but the motivation =]
One of my sisters met her current husband online. They've been happily married for 10+ years. They were both widowed early in life (in their 20's) and met each other a couple times before introducing their kids. I remember wincing when I heard about it because of all the horror stories you heard about internet dating at the time. But they were smart, They did a lot of talking and, when they did meet in person in the beginning, it was always in a public place.
I had a friend in college who met a guy online. It didn't work out but it was fun for her. Dating is hard. Meeting people worth dating is even harder. Why not expand your pool of applicants in a smart and reasonable way. I certainly wouldn't be flying across the country to meet someone I've chatted with a couple times. It would have to be someone I had talked to a lot and felt like it could go somewhere.
Good post.
@nerdyveggiegirl - I agree here!! =D
But but..HER LOVE HER LOVE HER LOVE IS MY DRUG
sooo... what happens when you're married and it stops being "fun"? and which peers do i mindlessly place my life in their hands to make all of my large decisions for me? for number 3.. i'm not even sure what that one means, so i cant really respond to it, but i cant say the first two are strong universal rules.
I'll have to keep number three in mind. I think that slightly exotic feel, the bit of rush gets me every time.
i love this post, Greek
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