January 4, 2012
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Love Reloaded
I was reading a book on how the mind changes over time. With each life transition, it really is as if we become different people. Events like parenthood and aging can create actual changes in chemical flows in our brain.
So then, during the course of a lifetime relationship, it almost is as if you have to fall in love with different versions of your lover over a lifetime. She doesn't stay "Sweet 16", and you don't stay super-obnoxious (hopefully) or super-skinny (unhopefully). Thinking about it, that sounds rather difficult. I've never heard too much from couples about it, and I'd like to hear more.
So for those of you who have been together for a little while: How do you keep loving your lover when he/she changes? What do you do when you honestly don't understand the new them anymore? I was thinking about it--who could you admit that to? Could you tell her "I don't understand you anymore?" It seems like a real problem, but maybe I'm making it all up.
Comments (17)
My only fear of being married is that I will love her less. I never want that to happen.
I like to think that you both change together, and you both effect how the other changes.
I keep loving my lover no matter how they change. Unless they get fat. Then it's sayonara, sucker!
But seriously, if your love changes, then it means you never really loved 'em at all.
I view love in the same terms I view a relationship with a dog. I made a commitment to her, through thick and thin, that I would always be there for her and there is nothing she could do that would make me love her less. And then once they get old, decrepit, or annoying, you shoot them!
I was going somewhere with this...
No, wait, no I wasn't. I wouldn't shoot a dog though, but maybe we should throw* old lovers into a tar pit like you do with old parents.
Ask that 90 year old man who just filed for divorce.
I think if you are truly focusing on being a team, that you will grow together and learn to work with the changes in each other. It isn't like those changes generally just happen overnight and you wake up and have to adapt to this new person. Changes come gradually and even though they are challenging, who really wants to be married at 60 to someone who is exactly like they were at 20?
My Husband read this with me... He says you just got to get to know the new them, again and again...lol
I guess it's kinda like experiencing your first date over lol...
This post makes me sad.
@TheMushyPear - I don't agree with the notion that if you stop loving someone or love someone less you never really loved them at all. That's ridiculous. Love, like everything else in life changes forms and grows, waxes and wanes. I believe that loving someone is partially about feelings but also a conscious decision you must make. I mean...i'm not an expert but this is just my opinion.
We just celebrated our 29th anniversary last week... As Christians, we were both called into the marriage by Christ, and that's what makes all the difference, we can continue to look back and remained rooted in that sure calling. In addition, we have the ability to keep asking God's Holy Spirit to supply the necessary love, patience, kindness, faithfulness, forgiveness, etc., etc., that we can't ever work up on our own. And, as much as we are a blessing to one another, we know the other can't and won't be able to supply all our needs; that's a role that belongs to God alone. People always end up disappointing one another, but God is never a disappointment! Psalm 73:25-28.
@BeautifulB_227 - "I don't agree with the notion that if you stop loving someone or love someone less you never really loved them at all." I don't think you really ever stop loving some one... You just lose the passion. Doesn't mean you can't get it back just means you have to work over the hill.
@MommyMarty22 - I can agree with that. This love thing is starting to sound like a lot of work though. lol
@BeautifulB_227 - lol yeah... It all seems so easy and effortless for the first few years... lol
People tend to change gradually over time. I think to an extent you change with your lover and adapt to one another as the years go by. Then again, my parents divorced last year after 30+ years of marriage.
On March 24, we'll be celebrating our 31st wedding anniversary. Not that our marriage is a perfect one, but we manage to patch things up when things get a little rough between us. We got married when my wife was 24 and I was 28. We, each, did not have any prior relationship. It was love at first sight on my part, though not on hers. But, we learned on later that like a plant, love needs to be cared for, to grow and bear flowers/fruits. Since our wedding, we haven't stopped loving each other. More so with the coming of the children. The bond even gets stronger. I would say that all marriages are done on earth and not in heaven. But, how you make of it: whether heavenly or otherwise, it depends upon the two of you. Thanks for this heart-provoking post. Wishing you the best that the New Year brings.
@Norcani - You are a blessing and inspiration
thank you.
Thank you so much, and welcome.
right.
reconnect. effort is everything. sometimes it's not enough, however. it's okay. it's just life.
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