June 1, 2012
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"Let's Be Friends," Guy Edition
My friend once told me an anecdote about him and his girlfriend before they started dating. She had recently started dating someone else, and he told her "Oh good, now we can be friends without any complications." He was looking forward to having her as a friend without any potential romantic angles making things complicated. What a good-hearted guy, right? Wanting to make sure things were clear, not wanting her to feel like he was scheming. As you can guess, she took this news with joy and didn't at all take it badly, right?
Let's take a little survey on how women usually react to a man trying to clearly define a somewhat ambiguous friendship.
Option 1) "Great! Let's be friends!" and the two of them, after a slightly awkward moment or two, blithely stay good friends.
Option 2) "I have feelings for you. It's either relationship or we have to let go of each other" and make sure the man knows your interest.
Option 3) "Um, sure!" and then disappear and never talk to the guy again, making it painfully obvious that you wanted to be more than his friend.
Option 4) "Ok!" then suddenly develop a crush on him and quietly scheme to make this oblivious man yours while he believes things are cheerfully settled, never explaining your true feelings until he might find someone else he likes. Don't forget to have hurt feelings and be personally insulted.
So after surveying my guy friends, we've overwhelmingly gotten Options 3 and 4 and never, ever, seen Option 1 or 2. If a man tries to put a woman in the Friend Zone, she either breaks all ties or plots to make her way to Girlfriendville.So I have to ask....what in the world? Ladies, I thought men were supposed to be the ones pulling the "Nice Guy" tricks. Do you just see us as pieces of meat? (sobs) We're just trophies in your man showcase, potential boyfriends behind glass labeled "In case of emergency singleness, break glass?" Why can't we be friends? (sings off-tune). I'm horrified that women seem to be exhibiting the very traits of superficiality and objectification that men get hammered for (smirk). I'm looking forward to seeing if you all can wipe this smirk off my face and explain this phenomenon. Until then, well (smirk) excuse me, I have to go tell all the women I'm interested in that I only see them as friends. Option 4, baby! The Reverse Friend Zone move for the win!
Fine, I'll get serious for a moment. It does bother me a little, because it encourages men to be shady about their true intentions. Knowing that defining the relationship will kill it provides a powerful incentive to keep things confusing and undefined. I'd much rather live in a world where both genders could kindly inform each other of their true feelings without irrational responses. Viva la Friend Zone, capisce?
Comments (36)
A little Friday trolling
can't resist.
WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING ABOUT THE FRIEND ZONE?!?!?! seriously, you'd think you'd want out of the friend zone....
Personally, I think this happens because guys and girls can 'just be friends'. *outcry from the audience* I know most people will adamantly disagree with me, but I think attraction is a stronger force than friendship. I think in any guy/girl friendship, someone is interested in the other person, even if they don't realize it or are willing to admit to it. But that is just my two cents, now I plan on disappearing, never to be heard from again.
Hmm... I don't think I've ever had a man tell me that he just wanted to be friends. We talk... nothing develops... so we are obviously just friends. Although a month or two ago I told a guy that we needed to just be friends and his reply was "You are such a bitch! Thank you for putting the last nail in my fucking coffin." *shrugs*
Actually I never minded being in the friends zone... I did have girl friends who couldn't handle it and often tried to compete with the guy friends, girl friend... Girls are weird. We are weird... Why are we so weird? You know everything... Can you answer that?
Since when do guys friend zone the girl?! never happened!
"Knowing that defining the relationship will kill it provides a powerful
incentive to keep things confusing and undefined. I'd much rather live
in a world where both genders could kindly inform each other of their
true feelings without irrational responses." = Truer words have never been spoke, I so feel this way. It seems like every time I express my feelings for a female, it ends everything; but if I keep things ambiguous, eventually I would be blamed for not taking the initiative, defining things, and being "the man". It is a catch-22, one I simply cannot seem to win yet.
I hate to admit how often I am guilty of Option 4. It's not THAT often, but sometimes I want something just because I know I can't have it. Mature, I know.
I have strictly platonic feelings for (almost) all of my male friends because I don't find men attractive unless there's a mutual connection. Because of this EVER-ELUSIVE CONNECTION, platonic we all shall remain, leaving most of my relationships with males to fall under Option 1. I'm a very blunt person. I think most men can respect that.
in case of emergency singleness break glass. favorite part!
@AmyDoo - I had great platonic friendships with women in high school that made me a fan of friendships with women. Hence my enjoyment of such friendships. I'm also not quite as traditionally male as most: female friendships balance me out.
@oxlorixo - Your male friend is silly. But what if a guy just said "friendship, period" at the very beginning, rather than letting things settle out on their own? How would you react to that?
@MistyEyes22 - haha. For good or bad, women rely on others more than men do. That's a strength, but it also creates more anxiety? That's my quick guess.
@eagerblue - Heh. I've done it.
@Doubledb - Sorry, Db, sometimes one is stuck no matter what. I encourage you to be brave, though, and continue to share your feelings of romance if you feel it's real and legitimate. Yes, she may run away, but she may also stay.
@Ampersands_Anonymous - Reminds me of when I was trying to set up my brother's female friend with a guy I knew. When I told her he was a good guy, she didn't care: when I told her he was a lawyer and probably too good for her, she smouldered with lust :p Ah women!
@galadrielspitcher - haha! glad someone enjoyed my attempts at humor.
@GreekPhysique - I honestly have no idea. I know I'd think it was strange though.
Im pretty sure I've been friend-zoned (I typed "fried-zoned" first, and it made me really happy thinking of a zone of fried stuff) but I've never had a guy expressly TELL me I'm in the friend zone. If he did, I'd probably punch him in the kidney and make out with his girlfriend.
Man I guess we cant go on anymore bookstore dates as friends cuz you think im trying to get into your pants. Theyd be too tight anyways...
honestly, i had to eventually tell my best friend i was falling in love with him and if he hadn't reciprocated i wouldn't have been able to stay friends. (luckily, he did, and we made out lots and still do, and that was 4 years ago.) but it just got too painful. but i also had a guy friend tell me he liked me, he was falling in love with me, etc, and i tried sooo hard to keep him as a friend even though i didn't feel the same way. and for a while we were, but, as soon as he got a girlfriend it was like i never existed. i still don't think he was a total dick or anything though, nor i in my situation, its just that life happens and reciprocated love can feel so painful sometimes
however, i would like to say that i HAVE had successful friendships with dudes that no feelings have ever come between us. i think its just like, really close, or "BEST" friends, where it gets sticky.
It's a reaction we've developed from being raised during the feminist era. We react violently every time it sounds like a man is trying to limit our options.
ahh... so many guys gave me so much grief that I had no problem saying "I just want to be friends!" And trust me, I had to lose a few good apples to know this. >.<*
@GreekPhysique - You know what I noticed that about a few men... They don't "need" anyone. It is a strength and a weakness in my opinion...
I totally agree with you. I would much rather know where I stand so I don't waste my time and effort on someone that might not be there emotionally.
Sorry for yelling earlier. I didn't mean to yell. I don't normally yell. I think I was exasperated, or maybe surprised, or maybe both.
If a woman isn't taken, she's available. When a guy comes out and cuts her off completely in that regard, unasked, unsolicited...unmerited, it's like being told she's not attractive and pretty or that she's fat...when she didn't even ask! Why can't guys just BE friends until they make a move? They don't have to go around explaining why they are ONLY friends, or that they think of the girl like a sister, or one of the guys, etc. Unless she straight up asks you, you don't need to be defining the relationship unless you are making advances. Until the point she is married, a woman might not have her mind settled on you yet. When you relegate her to ONLY a non-romantic friend, it's like a slap in the face. Same as if a girl just told you that you aren't man enough for her...when you asked if she was gonna eat the rest of her cinnamon roll. It's better to just leave that conversation alone, but it might not hurt you, but it hurts her.
Back in high school I did do the Option 3 and Option 4 to guy friends I liked. Now I just consider my guy friends as friends/hide my feelings.
Props, brah.
Oh, people should just be honest and be done with it. lol
*scratches head* I've never had a friendship end due to being "friend zoned". Most relationships have been purely platonic so I can't really say anyone got stuck in the friend zone, really. Things weren't gray or fuzzy, it was always "just friends". I've been friend zoned twice, but it didn't do much, if any, damage to the friendships. I honestly would have preferred if they had made it clear where I stood with them when I first expressed interest. The one friend I know had a big crush on me, I told him it wasn't happening, and we're still friends. Heck, now that we're both married, it's cool when he and his wife come visit.
I've never gotten friend zoned. I wish I was! LOL. I've found that guys either want sex from me (and nothing else) or suddenly disappear when they find out that I want to date before giving it up. I don't have many guy friends. Honestly, I wish guys (in general) were more open and honest about what they were looking for.
@AmyDoo - I agree. In my experience, I have never been able to be friends with a guy without one of us having feelings for the other, even if they were "hidden" feelings.
After I broke up with my ex of three years, we remained friends for a couple of years but after awhile just grew apart when we found each other new significant others. I think we were both comfortable with th factt hat it was time to let go of US becaue that was the only thing that kept us together for three beautiful years. I still miss him from time to time but having him as a friend would be torture fo me. I'm happy he's happy.
@scrittore - You know the more I think about it, I just think it is natural. As a single person, it is very natural to wonder if someone is the person for you even if you don't act on those feelings. I think it is just part of being single, even if you aren't actively looking, I think you are aware that your special someone could potentially be anyone. Does that make sense? I think I'm making myself sound like a troll. ha!
Because telling a guy that you think he's cool enough to do things with but are pretty sure it's not going anywhere is worse than saying nothing. If you aren't sure that he's bf material, it's not really polite to go into why he is or isn't, and then expect him to be okay with "I'm still thinking about it." Been there, done that, backfired in my face because the guy took my completely open declaration of indecisive ambiguity as a "Hell yeah, let's get emotional." Not. What. I. Said. At. All.
Saying nothing means there is no hope, which is awesome if you don't want there to be any. Saying nothing means that the poor S.O.B. isn't going to twist your words in his head to mean whatever he wants them to mean. Saying nothing means that you don't angry text messages about being led on, used, whatever. (That guy was an asshole anyway, and I told him to eff off after he tried to manipulate me. Shoddy work, all around.)
If definition is required, it's best to just ask for it or wait for the other person to get around to it. If you wait too long, well, someone who knows what they want will get there first. [shrug]
option 3. the thing about some men with girlfriends is that they start completely shutting out their female friends and focusing on their girlfriend. in reference to a "piece of meat," there's also a rather meaty feeling about being approached by a male "friend" only before and after his serious relationships (and i guess that applies to females too). in between, i might as well be hanging out with a wall. it also gets pretty stagnant and boring when he's in love, but it's understandable.
in another case; however, i find that guys also tell me they just wants to be friends after they've found a girl they're serious about. if i happen to be interested in him, this is usually during that stage where he's been flirting and asking me out on dates, and apparently other girls as well (he's just keeping his options open, i'm sure). if i'm not interested, we remain friends (option 1). in the former case, is it so wrong that, when i find out the guy i was seriously considering and have been thinking about was actually infatuated with some other chick, i decide to drop him? at this point, it's too painful to watch him fall deeply in love with someone else, not to mention shady that while he was doing his thing with me, some other chick was in the back of his mind. that leads me to distrust him, and i do believe friendships need some trust in their foundation.
honestly, sometimes, i don't ever tell them i wanted to be with them. by the time i get around to actually saying it, they've already found someone else, which leads me to the idea that if they wanted to be with me, they wouldn't have dropped me for some other girl. thus, i'm sure that tidbit of information would serve as nothing more than an ego boost. why say anything when no one really cares now anyway?
if men want to be just friends, they need to make it more clear. otherwise, it just gets messy.
I don't know if I've ever had that direct of a conversation with any of my guy friends. Could be that they assume friends is all it will be because I've been told I'm intimidating. Teeny little me. lol. I know I've had friendships that were in that weird in-between phase where it could have gone one way or the other, but those seemed to end in the guy finding a girlfriend and our friendship generally staying about the same (as long as it wasn't a jealous gf).
I'm also a girl with some man-type qualities....dating a guy with some woman-type qualities....hmm.
friendzoning is just so confusing.... reverse friendzoning is even more so.
Well, being put in friend zone makes me work harder to obtain said guy. After I get him I lose interest and continue on with my life. I have only been put in friend zone by one male. Now, he is in love with me and I wish I would have stayed in the friend zone. I just wanted to see how he was in bed to be honest.
I can't say I ever had a guy out of the blue just tell me that we are strictly friends, nothing more, except after I was married. Which then, it was appreciated because I knew he did just want to be my friend and respected my marriage. If that had happened before I was married though, I'd have felt like he viewed me as ugly or something and it would probably hurt my feelings. Some things don't need defining until one person makes a move. I never told a guy out of the blue when I was single, "Oh, I just see you as a friend and nothing more." I'd think that would hurt his feelings. Kind of follow the Golden Rule on that one.
Well. I don't even know how to express how this made me feel. First, I guess...I don't like to friend zone people, because you never know what might happen later. I don't like to be friend zoned. Does this mean that I'm in love with every guy friend I have? No, nor does it mean I think of them as anything more than friends, but I'm open to the option if one of them were to explicitly express interest. That being said, if something is happening that makes either person feel like friendship might be turning into relationship, then by all means make it clear that you don't want anything more than friends! I've actually done option 1 (multiple times...I'm pretty much friend zoned 100% of the time), and I've considered option 2, but then decided that I would prefer them in my life regardless of the circumstances. I've also done 4, but I think unless you are malicious in your attempts, that its perfectly okay. Sometimes you go from not liking someone to liking them, and a simple gesture can do that.
I don't think this has really happened to me, honestly. I don't really think I've had any guy friends need to let me know that we're just friends, and if I did feel interest in one of my guy friends, it's pretty unlikely that he would ever find out. I'm extremely good at hiding my feelings, especially if I don't sense them to be reciprocated. And, I don't really find myself attracted to anyone very often in the first place. I think I find myself in the opposite situation too often, though, unfortunately.
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