August 13, 2012

• Tips for Creating Intimacy

  So how do you create intimacy with other people, anyway? Intimacy has many meanings to many people, but let's just say deep friendship (whether emotional, intellectual, or physical) for the purpose of this entry. (This is #4 in the intimacy series I'm doing, feel free to read past entries.).

  First, I decided to go out and find a real expert's tips for making friends. Dale Carnegie is a well-respected source, and his famous book is well-worth reading.
  Dale Carnegie's tips for making friends:

  1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
  2. Smile.
  3. Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
  4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
  5. Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
  6. Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

  I can't claim to be as polished as Mr. Carnegie, but here are some of my tips that have worked over the years:
  

  1. Establish a common sense of humor or joke as soon as possible. This helps smooth over initial awkwardness and serves as a sort of friendship motif. Yes, the world really doesn't need your pirate impersonation or cat posters, but if he/she laughs, go for it.

  2. Have a go-to list of safe conversation openers. For example, I ask about vacation and travel a lot, because that's unlikely to be controversial (mostly...carbon footprint issues, ha). Or I might share my photos from a trip as a way of sharing more about myself.
  

  3. Challenge them. This is where Dale and I disagree. When you feel it's a safe topic to do so, challenge them on how they think or on what they did. Do it teasingly, perhaps, but if you seem like you agree with them on everything, I feel the relationship dies from boredom. Yes, challenging a person can end a friendship, but do you want to have to tiptoe around that new friend?
  

  4. Ask them leading questions, and be the first to volunteer information and intimacy. In order to have someone open up to you, you have to take some risks. So maybe you tell them about your frustration with your brother, or your bad date. Or, you ask them "So, what do you think about adoption?" or "Is it hard being an only child?"
  

  5. Prove that you care about them, and compliment wisely. The easy way is to say "Oh, I really enjoyed talking to you" or show it with your body language and expressions. But even better, show them that you're willing to sacrifice a little bit for them. Throw away their trash for them if you're out eating, or tell them you skipped something for them, or otherwise indicate that you are investing in them. Intimacy is hard to achieve if they don't see you doing this. Also, try to be original, sincere, and brief when you compliment them on behavior and/or looks.
  

  6. Recognize if things don't seem to be going well and try something new. Be careful, though, sometimes your new friend is just shy. Sometimes the person just wants time or space before becoming closer to you. But you should ask yourself: "Do I talk about the same things over and over?" "Am I dominating the conversation?" "Am I putting him/her under pressure?" "Are we so different that the polite thing to do is to stop trying for more intimacy?"

  • 7:03 pm
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