November 10, 2012
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Liars and Dating: Why a Little Confidence is Critical (Rambling Warning)
Ah, the crazy dating story: your best friend tells you about how she liked so-and-so, but then found out "He has a wife! and he's 42, not 32! and he was wearing shoes that made him 2 inches taller than he was!" Those stories are sad, but tragicomic (as long as he/she caught the liar quickly). But I have to admit, usually I think "Oh, that's awkward, but that would never happen to me. I'm too boring/average/whatever for that."
However, the other day I got in a mini-debate with everyone's favorite Datingish guru, @QuantumStorm. He claimed that women he knew were pretending to act more Christian than normal on Facebook in order to land a husband. I instantly had this mental picture of women posing with Bibles for profile photos and/or writing God poetry on their blogs, and couldn't help but laugh. "Really, Quant? That's a thing? I suppose I could see, say, a girl pretending to like Jesus when she met Tim Tebow. But here in the real world, that's just not happening, right? Totally unrealistic!"
Side note: I am an avid blog reader because I want to understand people better. So when someone says something that I have never experienced myself, I may tease them or challenge them, but I make a note of it and try to look for it in my world. That's also why some of my posts are about my mistakes and lessons learned. I feel that because you all teach me, I also need to tell you when I learn something so it can help you. So now you know that.
So I started thinking if I knew any examples of that...and suddenly realized, Quant was right. I think enough time has passed for me to tell the D story. (If you recognize who I'm talking about, don't say so in comments. She's long gone from here, but still...). D loved all my Christian blogs. She was extremely gifted in giving compliments and praise. Five minutes with D would make any man feel bigger and bolder. We became quite close: talked on the phone, etc. However, it turned out that D was a fraud. Lots of lying...and we'll leave it at that. I don't want to take any revenge on D by saying more.
After I picked myself off the floor, saddened and shocked that my gracious friend lied about so much, I realized partly why it happened. I did not think I was worth lying to. Does that make sense? D didn't seem to be after money or sex or anything obvious, so I had my guard down. People lie to the cheerleader or quarterback, if you will, not to us normal types. I would have been better off if I had thought I was hot stuff, and been more cynical. (Still, though, since when are Christian groupies a thing? Pastor fetishes, anyone? ha). I'm afraid D scarred me a little. Honestly...it's hard to write a fully Christian blog on here without wincing and thinking about how D would have reacted to it. Any woman who offers me unreserved praise or seems to be way too eager to bond with me now puts me on alert. And so here's my mini-apology to those of you whose relationship with me has been affected by that.
Looking back, ever since my Quant conversation, I realized several ladies have exaggerated their Christian commitment to me. As you can guess, the irony of lying about one's religious commitment is infuriating. (And this is why I appreciate my non-Christian friends quite a bit at times, who don't fake their faith commitments). But it also taught me a good lesson. No matter how unremarkable you think you are, someone desires you enough to lie to you. Some of the lying is rather innocent (I'm aware that you are just humoring me by watching this sports game with me), but unfortunately, some of the lying is much more serious. So to my fellow dating singles out there, watch your backs: you're hot stuff, and someone will want you enough to deceive you.
Comments (24)
We seem to be polar opposites here. When I was still dating and found out my boyfriends were lying to me about one thing or another, I started thinking I wasn't worth telling the truth to.
@chronic_masticator - Oh my...I didn't think about that perspective. I could see that happening...that all the lying leads to despair. Or worse, a feeling that one should imitate the liar.
Hm. Interesting thought and perspective. I'm not sure if I've crossed any liars on Xanga yet. Most of the time, the subject of relgion is barely discussed, and even when I do discuss it with a fellow Xangan, we both mutually respect each others' relgious views and never have to lie about it either. If asked, I openly admit my beliefs that I do believe in God, but I wouldn't say I'm a big Christian..just that you should try to live a life in doing good for others.
Good reflections. Thank you for sharing.
I'm not trying to compare my pain to yours, but I have experienced this. I felt like there was no possible reason to lie to me, so I passed off suspicious inconsistencies and continued to give someone the benefit of the doubt. Later I realized that some people don't need that kind of ulterior motive -- they may genuinely admire you and want to cozy up to you, or they may just find it an amusing experiment as to how thoroughly they can deceive others. Maybe that's why being lied to hasn't really changed anything for me. I feel like their lying is all about them and really has nothing to do with me whether they succeed in fooling me or not.
"I lied to you, the same way that I always do." Linkin Park.
Speaking about lying: when I was in college I was talking to this female for quite a while. We had hung out and chated on AIM a lot (yes, this was back then, ha!). Well, we always seemed to clique and I would think she liked me and then didn't. She knew I liked her, cause I threw it up one day and just told her. She told me she needed time. We were friends for a while and kept hanging out ("talking", at least in my mind). Finally, it just got on my nerves and I strait out asked her: Do you like me? She told me she did not like me that way, but didn't want to hurt my feelings and still wanted to be friends. I thought she was telling the truth. I tried. She would ignore me, not return my calls, and then would get mad when I would ignore her (or seem to) on AIM at 1-2AM. I totally started to feel she was using me. She also said she thought she wasn't supposed to date (something "God told her"), but only a few weeks later she was dating some jerk (in my opinion). She was telling me one thing and then she would do something else. That really bothered me. Then, one day I was talking to my roommate (who was friends with her from high-school) and he finally told me that while we had been talking she told him that she did, in fact, like me. I was so confused. I came to the conclusion she didn't know what she wanted (at best), at worst she was lying to me, using me, and she never had feelings for me.
And just so you know, I've been meaning to blog about some of my (few) past relationships too, but didn't want to be that vulnerable nor hurt these females from my past. But I think for those of us who are single, it is important to admit and work though this stuff. I still want to write it, but I will likely change their names.
I generally can't even find anyone to give me the time of day so this concept you describe really seems absurd. though I would also have a hard time finding anything positive about me or another person if i found out that they were constantly lying to me.
@mrcolorful - I spent many years in that exact same scenario (no one interested in me), thus my surprise and shock when things changed.
I honestly didn't know people did this. I actually have a tendency to feel the opposite.. like, wanting to tone down how into Jesus I actually am when talking to most guys because I don't want them to think that I'm weird. I really, really, really, wish I didn't feel like this, though. And I have some issue where I think that people assume the worst about me and so my first mental response to this post was: greek wrote this post because he doesn't think I'm really a Christian and he's trying to tell me in a passive way. But... I really don't think/hope that's not actually the case.. because I actually really love Jesus.
I'm sorry D did that to you.
She doesn't deserve someone like you. You deserve much better. I hope Princess Charming finds you soon! 
Haha u know i thought when u said christian women posing with their
bible to land a christian husby was funny...haha but that's like already lies penerated into the relationship which wld never work out... Just lead to more n more lies... I dunno, not just christians, even non christians blokes lie sometimes... Pretending
@Babieboo_Annie - so would you say you're a little Christian?
@lanney - I agree with you.
I don't mean to imply you aren't desirable, but I think D's lies probably had more to do with her than you. Ultimately, your attention made her feel good about herself thus giving her a reason to continue the lies. I hope that isn't too hurtful or harsh.
P.S. To get guy's attention, I don't talk about Jesus, I talk about Mr Bear. And that's the God honest truth!
@AmyDoo - Thank you.
@iones_island - I suppose? haha I am little in height.
im not sure they do it to land a husband, i think they do it just for the attention and affirmation. my experience has been that they act this way to have "safe" friends and as for the guys the pursue/allow to pursue them, well, that's a completely different story.
@Babieboo_Annie - good answer.. haha, in all seriousness though, a Christian is a Christian. work out your faith and seek God and it will be well with you. (my weak attempt at encouragement. )
I've only ever had a blind date lie to me about his height. It's ridiculous, b/c if you're lying about something so basic, what else are you lying about? Anyway, thanks for sharing your lessons! I'll keep an eye out for deceivers.
Like @AmyDoo - and @lanney - said, this is more a reflection on her character deficiencies than anything else. No matter how desirable a person is, in the end, the choice to deceive and exaggerate ultimately lies in the deceiver's hands. Though I do recall a while back reading a story about a millionaire guy in NY who would deliberately dress down and drive trashy cars on dates, just so he could weed out the gold-diggers. Certainly food for thought when it comes to downplaying things like one's income, etc., to keep gold-diggers away, but if you start compromising your character then you might be in trouble.
next time you're online let me know! I want to ask your advice about a guy hehe
I get what you're saying, but I feel the opposite is true as well (as the other comments have said hehe). There have been, and I think will always be, those people who will lie to you. Say whatever they think you want to hear, just to be with you. Or even just the chance to be with you. It's the ones who won't lie, who won't hide and who will always be forthcoming.. those are the ones worth waiting for. And I've found it's much much harder to be 'alert' and accepting that it will happen one day. Maybe I'm just too much of a cynic? Who knows.
And I'm sorry about your situation with D.. I've no clue what happened, but the fact someone would lie and deceive about their religious beliefs (or lack thereof, may be more appropriate to say) really doesn't sit well with me. :
Yep... a lot of people out there lie.. and it's very unfortunate. I cringe to think of all the middle eastern guys out there who claim that they are Muslim only to please their families and society, yet probably don't really believe it in their soul. I just don't know who is really saying the truth. It's a bit scary, but I think with time, we'll discover who they really are. Time shows our true colours.
too eager to bond. red flag for my ex, retrospectively. still though, it should be sending off bells now again, but I think I do it sometimes too. =/ hmm...
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