January 26, 2013
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Enough Time to Grieve
Open question for you tonight: What is enough time to grieve? We'll leave death out of this. I'm talking more about grieving the loss of a friend, the loss of a career, a breakup, you name it. Is it ever truly fair to tell someone to "Get over it?" And what if you desperately want to "Get over it" but can't? Looking forward to your answers below.
Comments (37)
And of course, if it's me? "As much time as I want."
If it's you? (looks at watch) "Oh come on, she dumped you YESTERDAY. Today is a whole new day!"
Interesting how we try to manage the grief clocks of others.
Depends on the level of emotional investment. Also, depends on if I've recently seen any documentaries on North Korea, Sierra Leone, the DRC or Liberia that jolt my brain into a sense of perspective.
I'm not sure. Everybody is different, but there also does come a point where not moving on is hindering one's ability to function normally in society. I think it really depends on the person. I don't have that much grieving experience (I guess I've been fortunate), so I'd say for me it depends on the length of the relationship (at least in case of the break up). Also, another factor to take into consideration is that a lot of times people check out of relationships and are checked out for months, so that might shorten the actual time outside of the relationship they need.
It all depends. Sometimes we grieve the loss of something for a lifetime.
Depends on the situation. Id have to say im always angry which is a part of grieving.
i don't really think it's fair to put a time cap on it because it really just depends on the person and the situation. i know i personally have trouble with being down on myself for taking "too long" to get over things, but when i really step back and look at myself i can realize that it's okay to take as much time as i need. some people are blessed with the ability to get over things quickly, while others feel the pain for much longer and therefore take much longer to fully heal. i think it's easy to look at how much time you've spent grieving and decide that's enough and it's time to get over it, but really, is it ever possible to just turn off feelings? it's mostly just learning to deal with them and letting yourself feel them until one day you don't anymore. and there's no sense in beating yourself up over something you can't control, so as long as you're making an effort to move on, it's okay if that takes you a bit longer than it takes some other people.
@ShamrockLover - I agree.
to the OP: I think we all deal with the loss of different things in our own way. I think some things we never get over, but I think there should be a time frame where it's right to still dwell on something tragic that's happened in your life. if you're still moping over your ex that broke up with you 6 years ago, I'm gonna be a little annoyed... but if you lost a really good, steady job just a few weeks ago, it wouldn't bother me so much. healing takes time, and it's hard to really put a specific time frame on certain situations.
@ShamrockLover - Hi Kelly, how you been? Hows Ryan?
I've lost a friend through betrayal and rejection, and I think about her and miss her every day, and it's been almost 5 years. I don't think you ever "get over" someone. The hurt and pain may lessen, but you always remember and miss them.
As we process grief the emotion has a chance to shift. If we grieve, we can do that for the rest of our life. I went through a grieving perioded and each time it hit me, I'd check in with my thoughts and then check in on how I felt after thinking about it. Greif can wrap itself around you and if I'm going to grieve, I'm going to add in the processing, so I can eventually move on or know that I need help with the grief. Time has no value in grief as we are all different in how we process emotion, but I do believe that if we reach out to ourselves, take the time to let the grief become another chapter in our life's journey, the healing comes.
There's no answer. Each person and each situation are unique.
If it's truly something we want to get over and "can't" then I think there's only one thing to do....pray.
Telling someone to get over it is rude, there is no set time. I understand the frustration though. My mom lost her mom and dad within a year of each other about 4-5 years ago. She hasn't "gotten over it" and I'm not sure she will anytime soon. It's frustrating but not something I can understand so the best thing for me to do is be there, pray for her, and wait. That's all you can do for anyone.
what a question.
I believe it's different for every person and every situation. And that grief is really never something someone just gets over. I don't believe the stages of grief are linear, they are more like a cycle, or on random repeat! It's just that over time the intensity of it all diminishes as adjusting to the changed circumstances occurs, but the feeling of having suffered loss never completely goes away. I think in a lot of cases telling someone to just get over it does more harm than good, but that sometimes if a person can't see how they are staying stuck in the same place emotionally and that it is actually negatively affecting their life, it's okay to share your concern for their ability to process and move on, and use better words!
As has been said, each person in each situation is different, and some things will continue to be painful for the rest of our lives. It is when we let grief become an obstacle to our lives and refuse to take good opportunities because of it that we are no longer grieving, but rather are dwelling in self-pity and someone close to us would not be out of line in pointing that out. "Get over it" however, is probably not ideal phrasing.
A day or two, a week at most!
Best way to get out of it is to be kept busy so you don't have time to think or grieve and afterawhile it becomes irrelevant
Every thing takes time really. And for some, they're probably will still be grieving after what is loss is long gone. If I could hurry the process, I would. I've lost a few good apples, and I keep it that way for a good reason, but I still get sad over the lost of a great friendship. Breakups... well... I believe it gets easier with age.
I don't like to tell people to get over things because I hate hearing that myself. But I've always found it's easier to get over lost friends and relationships when my life is really bursting full of other good things.
I try to deconstruct my feelings. Do I miss the person or the companionship? Am I angry? Do I feel abandoned or betrayed by them? Helps me focus on what is bothering me to speed the healing.
After a certain point I can't be bothered to care about people who don't care about me
Definitely not ok to tell someone to "get over it", and the more people are willing to listen to them, the sooner they will heal and recover. mho
I say everyone needs to give themselves two years to recover.(I think psychologist's support this also) The first year is about mourning the loss and regaining your balance. By the end of the first year you are beginning to regain a sense of self and independence and make strides towards moving forward. Beyond that grief can still resurface from time to time. I don't think it's ever good, or loving, to not allow a person to speak their feelings if that is what they need to do. Like I say... I think they heal faster that way. You don't need to say anything, just listen. Not many people have this gift though, I will say that. The gift of listening. Isn't that why we have Xanga?
Oh, and the part about desperately wanting to get over it but can't. I wish someone would have helped me to know early in life that the best way to get over something that hurts is by involving yourself in doing good for others, not in seeking things to appease self. Find healthy activities that bring you into contact with others and doing things that make you feel good about yourself. When you are thinking of others, doing things for people who are in real need, puts things into proper perspective... God perspective. Learning to trust Him, and accepting His will for your life, helps alot.
Depends on how familiar it is to you. Some people would move out of the country just to get over someone. Sometimes it really feels that way. The friends you have in common is also a big issue. Mine ditched me. One of them told me to find new friends... that really happened.
Depends on how emotionally invested you are. If a lifelong friend just said "I'm sorry, but I can't talk to you anymore," I'd probably be devastated. But if it were something more like my boyfriend of one week just dumped me, you would not find me sobbing in the fetal position. I'd get over it and move on, right then and there.
Be honest!!! If you are a caring person, you never get over losing someone. People connect and when, for whatever reason, they become disconnected, you have shared some history that never goes away. Maybe some people can shrug their shoulders and toss people aside like that and "get over it"; but most people I know, myself included, carry the memory for a lifetime even if we move forward in life. With loss of any kind, you do have a grieving period. Then you eventually begin to learn to adjust your life as time passes and you find a new "normal" to live. If it is a member of your family, and they've not died, there's no closure to the situation and it is especially difficult to let go. Maybe you still see the person. That would open the wound over and over and over again. To tell someone to "get over it" is cruel, especially if they've never experienced this type of loss. Everyone had some good points and helpful suggestions.
One solid year, no rebounds. Worked for me.
I will let you know, if I ever get over it.
A character on a TV show was talking about her mother's death and said something along the lines of "You never get over it - you just become okay with carrying it around." I've never suffered anything really bad, but that sounded kind of like what it might be like for me.
Telling someone to get over it is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. When some one is hurting over the break up of a relationship, or marriage and asks when ti will quit huring so much, telling them it will stop when they have had enough is stupid too.
We are all different and I think even after the pain subsides, we still have those moments when it comes back and kicks us in the gut for a little while.
In a way, I think we're always grieving. Pulling out bits and pieces of lives that never happened, wondering what if. I don't think we need to stop grieving for these things as long as we're still living in the present and grateful for the lives that we do have. Sometimes I think fondly back at people who have died, opportunities that have passed, old partners. I would consider that "grieving" but I'm also not living in the past, I'm just being reflective.
I think there is no limit to grieving privately when it does not affect others. Beyond that it is relative to the other people... your friend vs your child. Ya know?
Because everybody grieves differently, a time limit cannot be assigned to the process. Telling somebody to "get over it" has to depend upon the person, the relationship, the cause of grief -- it could perhaps be helpful in one situation, but not in others.
I don't know really. There have been times where I find my mind wandering into thoughts about stuff I thought I'd gotten over a long time ago. Or at least actively try to not think about, and then it's easier to banish the thoughts just as I started thinking of them. I guess you can't really get over things entirely. Maybe with time you think, or feel less strongly, about things so that we think we've gotten over it. As opposed to something that has recently happened that we mull over constantly, don't want to forget or just feel so strongly about.
In short, it depends on person to person and how they handle things/cope.
The time it takes to grieve losses is about a year, I'd say, if the person or thing lost was significant to you... But, even then, there may be days after one year where that same grief overtakes you. I don't think "get over it' is ever an appropriate response ...unless it is said in different words and you see the person is 'stuck' and not getting back to living gradually. In those cases, I would advise a professional work with that person to help them continue to move.
I have lost many significant people in my life to death and moving and just plain rejection.. It always takes some time to move through these losses. My spouse once remarked that he couldn't believe I wasn't over the death of my father two months after he'd died!!! I simply hadn't healed yet and 2 months was too soon.
Everybody moves at their own rate. No one is the same. Some of us move between grief and acceptance several times in the same day.
Be patient and kind with yourself or someone else...Let them grieve. It cannot be done just by saying, "get over it".
Best of luck to you.
Christy
There really is no "right" amount of time. Whether it be death, loss of a friend or relationship - or any of the scenarios. It all depends on the person, the specifics of the situation and everything else that may be currently going on in the person's life at the time.
Each situation is different. But, when you lose someone or something dear to you, you always have the memory of that loss. You just learn to handle the pain better. The time required to "get over it" depends on the person.
People are really quick to tell you how to grieve, when to grieve, whether to grieve, and how long to grieve. The best advice is ignore them. They don't know what they are talking about, and they make it worse. You don't "get over" some things, and people try to bully you into acting like you have, because it makes THEM feel better. It's different for everybody, and the right amount of time is the amount that is right for you.
How we grieve tells us where our hearts and affections are rooted. Loss is part of our testing here in this world. As time goes along, for the Christian, the loss should become more and more sanctified/purified by the Holy Spirit, deepening our assurance of the sovereignty, love, grace, and goodness of God ~ experientially knowing the love and peace of God in the heart, to be assured that He does ALL things well, to proclaim with Job, "Though He slay me, yet I will trust Him / hope in Him," having full confidence that God DOES work ALL things for good to those who love Him, for those who are called according to His purpose, and that God's goodness and mercies have indeed been following us ALL the days of our lives (in spite of all appearances) –– including during those times of painful loss (even though it seemed at the time that God's face was hidden).
God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm.
Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs
And works His sovereign will.
Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.
His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.
Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan His work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain.
(William Cowper)
I think there IS a time to tell people to "get over it," but you have to know the person and the situation, and to have their trust to be able to speak that strongly into his/her life ~ to be that iron sharpening iron, so to speak.
Christians can and should be praying for grace upon grace so we might grieve to the glory of God, and not get stuck in or paralyzed by self-centered, self-absorbed mourning... Psalm 86:6 Give ear, O LORD, to my prayer; listen to my plea for grace. Deut. 32:25b as your days, so shall your strength be.
I don't judge others by myself, but my own grieving for the loss of my wife (will be 3 years in April) has developed into a thanksgiving for her salvation and her being with the Lord now. I still think of her at most every turn...all good memories - especially at holidays. I don't think a day goes by that I don't remember something she said or did. On the other hand, my daughter grieved long and hard when her teenage daughter was hit by a car and killed. We just had to let her work through it. All the encouragement and solace we could give wouldn't make a permanent dent in her sorrow until she could move on. Thank God, she now is much the better for all of it even though she still feels the loss. Everyone is different.
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A lot of people complained about the shard price and the lack of
a restroom. First of all there is a great restroom in the bottom floor waiting
area and well london is very expensive get used to it. The view was awesome
Evan though the weather was cloudy. Seeing the tower bridge was very cool. Well
worth the price.
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unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="67" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="68" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="69" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="70" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="71" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="72" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="73" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="19" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="21" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="31" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="32" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="33" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Book Title"/>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0cm;
mso-para-margin-right:0cm;
mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0cm;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
mso-bidi-font-size:14.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:Vrinda;
mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;}
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