February 14, 2013
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Love in a Time of Breakups and Breakdowns
On such a special day, it's a bit crass to talk about uncoupling, but I feel like I should. Why don’t we put more effort and thought into dealing with romantic breakups and breakdowns?
I know several female friends who, immediately after a breakup, got into sexual rebound relationships that ended up in pregnancy/bad relationship. If you’ll forgive some crudeness, 18 seconds of coping strategy turned into 18 years in a snap of the fingers. And, will you believe me that breakups are even more devastating for a man when he is fully invested? That a man rarely has the support network a woman does, and yet he is expected to cope better. That a man finds that he has subconsciously woven his ability to satisfy and entrance that woman into the very foundations of his ego, and when that ability is gone, the entire house of Jenga cards (METAPHOR COLLISION!) implodes.
We act as if breakups are merely the common cold: put up with it until you’re better. Just stay in bed and eventually you’ll get better. I had a cold just last week and I'm fine now. Why aren’t you better yet?
But what if, instead, we took the symptoms and costs of breakups and breakdowns seriously? What if we treated breakups (wince, beware of a tortured analogy) more like AIDS? A disease that must be cured, that must be taken seriously, that fundamentally makes humankind’s most pleasurable experiences into a deathtrap?
Trapped in a time of breakups and breakdowns, forced to weather the shock of having kilojoules of love, encouragement, and sexual satisfaction ripped out of your life cold turkey, how can you cope? Supporters of love just say it’s part of the game (and if it is a game, it is a game of mutually assured destruction or delirium), just find someone else…someone else to repeat the cycle with. But I instead say, let’s take this part of love seriously…if we are not just all hormone-hooked junkies willing to pay any price for the next hug, err, hit.
Comments (24)
I like what you're saying. I think a lot of problems stem from those that jump into the next relationship too soon, while they have yet to take the proper time to get over the last one and sort things out for themselves. I think for some reason, a lot of people feel that they can't survive on their own, that they won't make it to the next year if they don't find another boyfriend or girlfriend to attach themselves to. I think people like these are the ones that struggle the most after a break up, and are the quicker to jump into new "relationships", but then get dumbfounded when they again find themselves going through another break up. How do you propose we treat the break ups more like AIDS?
We tend to dismiss break ups. We all have had them, they are no big deal just part of life and some of those break ups are no big deal. But many of us have also had break ups of long term relationships that we had put our lives into. That is devastating, I have seen some crazy behavior that does real harm to a person come about during such break ups. It is all just part of the game. In other words love is not a game and should never be treated like one
I suppose we can't really do this effectively until we first get back to taking the relationships themselves seriously. In other words, less looking for Mr./Mrs. Rightnow, and more looking for the purpose of finding a mate.
I really, REALLY agree with this. I find that after a breakup, you're expected to sort of get over it after the "appropriate" period of time ie: the time people are willing to listen to it. Fact is though, I wasn't right for about a year after my last bad one. And the scars left are still there. I'm forever changed, honestly, and the way I approach love is far more affected than it was before. And I'm not alone. But it seems that for society it's par for the course. We hurt and get hurt, and get over it.
I totally get this. I feel like a lot of people are expecting me to move on more quickly than I am. It's been 3 months, and we were together 3 years. I am choosing to take my time, and I don't believe there is anything wrong with that. Great post!
Yes, in this game of love some win some lose.
One of the many reasons why i'm afraid of being in one, guys move on much quicker thn girls tho, guys just drink and mope and that's it.. Might as well not be in one thn to hve my little heart all wounded up again and rebounds just as useless or maybe i'm just a really cold hearted person.
I never played Jenga. I was a blinded architect. I did my best to make certain every piece fit as others, at every encounter, implied shit and left me hanging without time for a rebuttal. Considering my condition, struggling to figure out what was what, I couldn't just talk back on impulse, I had to spend many times more time than I had to get to it. I struggled to have any faith at all in my 'peers' having both competence and humanity; and thus whether any attempt at life whatsoever was worth the effort.
I always try to support friends; however, when it was me, I feel like a lot of other guys only wanted to talk to me for a few minutes then they just didnt know what to do. I could tell they felt awkward, so I would end up leaving to go be alone. Usually, I was able to hang out with them, update them on how I was quickly, but most of my inner anguish and emotions were kept to myself, put online, or saved for quality conversations with really good friends and not just the one nearby.
p.s. - I would say breaking up or being rejected is like a long cold, one that relapses sometimes. You feel like crap, sometimes you dont want to eat and cannot sleep well. I think it is a bit far to say it is more like AIDS. To me that would be more like a death of a loved one.
Your post reminded me a little bit of Miranda Lamberts' "This Ain't My Mama's Broken Heart."
This is a bit of a digression from your original post, but what is heartbreaking to me as an educator is watching children - 7th, 8th grade, sometimes younger - invest their emotions so deeply into relationships that take them far beyond what they are mature enough to handle. And they're encouraged to do so by media, society, even the adults in their lives - nobody seems to realize that while those relationships aren't real (they're not really going to marry their 8th grade boyfriend) the emotions, pain included, are devastatingly real.
Some people handle it better than others, and I in my previous breakups never had much of a support system despite my gender, but overall I agree with what you're saying. Especially if the relationship was very serious, it's almost like dealing with death. We don't expect people to suddenly begin dating after their spouse dies, why should we expect such after a breakup. There are probably even worse emotional wounds going on, and not healing because the other person is still alive and might (especially in the case of painful divorces and custody battles) be causing even more emotional wounding. The rebound relationship is rarely a good idea.
I'm still sticking with my belief that people are idiots and the vast majority truly do enjoy seeing misery in other people.
I don't know why we should take this part of life or love or whatever you want to call it seriously. All of life is a massive game in which everyone is a loser.
What would fix probably most, if not all such problems? Closure. Timely in person and direct closure from the person who is the subject of broken affection. This would often take drawn out, and sometimes a series of, conversations. People can't impulsively blurt out honest feelings.
I would do everything to find a lady who I'm hurt over just for this. Just to understand the true feelings that led her to that point in time then to just disappear. I've already been in serious trouble over attempts. People are so numb they cannot for the life of them recognize that most people who love so deeply are saner than they are. Anyone in deep pain for a similar reason has the same mannerisms and expressions as I have.
@preposterousimagination - I was a senior in high school. The girl was a classmate for consecutive years and was the only peer who gave me a chance to know her. Unfortunately it took too long for me to open up properly. In the end she gave an appearance of disappointment when I was awkwardly confronted, in a situation that looked like someone pimping someone, and I denied that I liked her. After that I was in even worse shape, it took a while longer to try to tell her the truth. She disappeared.
Getting with someone and staying with someone is a pretty serious commitment, I think only when we are able to sustain the thought of only 1 person we want to be with are we ready to make any type of commitment to a relationship.
i agree. you don't just "get over" a person- it takes healing.
@DougX831 - Sorry, my brain is addled from reading too much of stuff I don't understand so please correct me if I'm wrong.. but isn't looking for a mate the same thing as finding Mr./Mrs. Right?
I don't see how there is a better way to end things though.. short of both sides running away from each other screaming, one party is always going to hurt beyond belief.
@leaflesstree - I am loving the death comparison. I've never heard it, but it certainly feels the same way. Esp when the other side drops you and then moves on immediately like you never existed.
@NightPrancer -
Yes, that would be the same. But that isn't what I said. I said "Mr/Mrs Rightnow." ...right now.
@DougX831 - Oh... yes you did. My bad
@NightPrancer -
No worries, happens to us all.
Well in my experience since i know more guys...id have to say the men sexually rebound faster. I do not agree that guys are thought to get over it faster...nor do they not have a good support network. From what i see and hear guys dont like to talk about it.
@nimbusthedragon - Your comment was sweet and touching. Just letting you know.
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