June 26, 2013

• Young Greek on How to Deal with an Unwanted Crush (Now with Animation!)

  I interviewed my younger self* for this very informative take on how to deal with icky girls who have a crush on you. He was happy enough to provide details based on his past strategies for dealing with them:

  1) When the two of you meet in public, make sure that others know you're not interested in her. Make fun of her a little, and be in a hurry. But don't be mean. That's very important. Just joke about her awkwardness. Or talk to her in an exaggerated voice. I'm sure the other kids who hear will get the right message when they see you going out of your way to interact with her like this. Or, go for the ironic non-response. For example, when she asks "What are you reading?" say "A book" and stare right through her. Obviously this won't at all intrigue her, as women are annoyed by emotionally unavailable men who can't connect with them.

  2) Keep all interactions with her very light and ridiculous. Obviously, one should only be really serious and open if one really likes the girl. That's what women like! A deep man who shares himself so easily, because he wants the girl to know all about him. So if it's a woman you don't like, turn everything into a joke. Certainly no woman likes a guy who is always twisting what she says into a joke and making her laugh. Romance is SERIOUS BUSINESS.

  3) If by accident you have a close moment with her, immediately withdraw. Maybe don't go to lunch in the same spot, or delete her off your AIM. This will give her time to forget that close incident happened. In fact, should you meet again, make sure to pretend as if nothing has changed. A little mild gaslighting and soon enough she'll realize that nothing has changed.

  4) But of course, if she withdraws too much, you've obviously hurt her feelings and are being mean. You should never, ever be mean. Seek her out and be kind. It's not her fault that she likes you. It's just like getting a cold, she's stuck coughing and sniffling until she gets over it. Make her comfortable while she fights through this horrid virus of being interested in you. She'll be over it quickly, right? I'm sure she can't wait to be better. Then the two of you can just proceed to normal, polite interactions as if she were never ill.

  5) In fact, you should reach out to her randomly, and then talk about nothing. Send her an email when you're bored, filled with nothing but banal updates on your life. Maybe a text at a random hour, which totally won't seem like you have her on your mind. She will just see it as a news update and not read into it at all. She knows you're just saying what you mean. You're straightforward like that. And fine, she did a really good job of complimenting you and saying that she likes nerdy guys? Give her credit. Send her a nice photo of you in your suit and glasses. Make sure that she still has confidence for the next guy she finds, that might actually like her. So you have to reward good effort, right?

  Well there you have it, excellent advice from Young Greek. I'm sure by following these methods, some first debuted in junior high when awkward rumors were started about Young Greek possibly liking another girl in the class, you'll be fine. Joke was on them, I didn't even like girls then, I hadn't gone through puberty yet! But you can be sure that these methods will work in getting rid of unwanted girls who are interfering with you reading a book and totally don't seem like some sort of bizarro pickup attempts...
  

  Wait a minute....
  

  We are so done here.
  

  *Younger being a relative term. Wince.

  • 6:00 pm
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