August 24, 2014
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First Date Flaws
I have been gingerly tipping various toes into the dating waters, and was reminded of how awful I am at first dates via online dating sites. As a learning exercise, I've decided to write down why I've been so bad at them.
Flirtation:
I realllly hate flirting when I know I am soon going to meet someone in person. Why? I think first of all, I'm worried that it'll be a bad first date and that I led the lady on in some sense. All first date rejections hurt, but to go from a torrent of compliments to "Um, it won't work out" is a particularly bitter drop. I had that happen once especially that I remember; I was flirtatious ahead of time then first date was awful...she thought it went well and I had to drop the "no, sorry..." via text. So as you can guess, not flirting much before first date isn't a good sign.
Silence:
I know better, but I have a super bad habit of not talking to the lady in the day or two before the date. Often its because I have a lot of work scheduled, but also at times I feel like I have nothing to say or should save a story for the date itself. As you can guess, suddenly going silent right before the date always helps a lady feel better about this first-time meeting.
Body Language:
I am a walking litany of bad posture and negative signals. Slouching? Awkwardly getting in your way? Leaning back instead of forward? Oh I have it all. Worse, I become hyper-sensitive about our body distance (Wanting to get the door first but also almost running into you, etc.). Also, given my height/weight, at times there is a huge contrast between me and the lady, and I start feeling like Shrek.
So, working on it. A pox on online dating, I say!
Comments (7)
I say relax, and treat it like meeting any other friend.
Loved the joke about Shrek though... I can see that, often having trouble with clumsiness, and timing, myself.
I am sure you are a likeable guy so just relax and be yourself... any lady worth her salt ought to understand.
Oh lord almighty, flirting. I suck at it. And when I attempt it, I feel atrociously awkward and it makes me cringe haha. So I don't really flirt. One guy I'm talking to at the moment (I'm not that interested in him, so I see him as a friend... but he sees me as much more than that, ugh) tries to flirt with me every time we chat on the phone and he gets irritated with me when I won't flirt or accept/acknowledge his flirting. I have to tell him repeatedly that flirting is just not my thing at all, and to never expect it from me. Or perhaps I just haven't met the right guy yet, and maybe then flirting would come naturally. I don't know.
I think I've been way too used to being single and alone that I have NO idea how to deal with any of the dating stuff haha.
So, I have a question for dating-posts guy (aka, you haha): what are your protocols/rules/do-and-don'ts for after the first date? Like, when to communicate with them next? Idk, stuff like that.
I'm enjoying your latest posts
Hope you have a good week!
Everything, including dating takes practice. At least you know where your weaknesses lie. I also rather like JstNotherDay's suggestion that you treat it like any other meeting with a friend. In fact why not strive a little to view the date as though it is a friend. We can always use another friend.
Words to live by: If you're not fucking Brad Pitt, don't expect your date to look like Angelina Jolie. and vice versa. Look for character and depth to that person's soul, John, and sometimes settling for someone who will be faithful but who is plain is better than an unfaithful gf/spouse who will sleep with a better looking man. And, yes, a pox on online dating. Stick with people you know offline. I'm personally right now interested in a fat balding asian man who girls make fun of at the salon I go to. Know why??? BECAUSE HE LIKES ME AT THE WEIGHT I AM! You know how shallow Christian guys are??? Fucking shit. They talk the talk but they don't walk the walk. fuck them and their shallow thoughts and fuck every shallow breath that they take.
And yes, I cursed a lot in my above post but it comes from a lot of hurt from Christian guys rejecting me based on my appearance (i.e. weight).
nudge, nudge.
It's been over a month since you've posted. We here at Xanga (or those of us who might have inadvertantly lost the link to your other site, yes, that would include me), wonder what you are up to and how you are.
Flirting is rough. I'm personally too forward or too nice and attract all the wrong guys. They either think I'm easy or stupid or both! Your clumsiness sounds endearing. If I really feel intimidated by some one I tend to get a bit clumbsy. Work on that confidence!
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