In Horns, the book I mentioned last time, there's an episode where Lee, the villain, believes that Ig's girlfriend is breaking up with Ig because she likes him best. Lee has some good reasons for believing this. Circumstance keeps favoring him. After all, Ig's girlfriend is definitely breaking up with Ig. She keeps hinting that she likes Lee, spends a lot of time talking to him. Lee just assumes that Ig's girlfriend is waiting for the breakup until she rushes for Lee's bed. In the end, Lee is horribly wrong...and when Ig's girlfriend tells him so, he explodes in murderous violence. It's horrid, of course.

On the advice of a certain bespectacled Barnes and Noble aficionado, I picked up the book Horns. It was amusingly symbolic as all books recommended by friends are. If you enjoy a game of circles, try to figure out why/how recommendations work and the secrets embedded in various suggestions. You'll find some amusing subconscious elements.

Was talking with @Drakonskyr (link leads to a blog burial plot, shrug) about context. It's interesting how no one really understands the warrior once they come home from war. During the war, in context, it makes a certain brutal sense. I had to blow up that orphanage; there were terrorists inside. I had to stay in that tunnel, smelling of my own waste, waiting for days for that infantry line to pass.

But after the war, who can understand these things? How do you tell your family about the time you shot someone who looks just like your son because they held a grenade? How do you tell them about the fear, the blood, the constant jitters and shaking, needing to be on guard at all times?

It was interesting to think about some conversations I had about a mutual friend. He was the only one who knew him/her closely like I did. We exchanged notes, recollections, knowing that this is a conversation we could only have with one other person. Forced to connect due to our shared experience...knowing others would laugh at us, or not understand what had happened. It's odd, the brotherhood that comes from context.

And I expand this thinking about some of my various Internet communities over the years. How do I bother to explain to new people any of it? No, sir, I never was on the Internet.  Don't know what anyone sees in it. It's an easier answer, right? You're not patient or open-minded enough to get my reasons or my points.  I was never here *waves hands in Jedi fashion*.

All right folks, a reminder that you can still donate to Xanga. If you donate $20 or more, I'll give you one of my Xanga memberships that I got through my donation. Limited to first 10 to respond. I should say Christao also has offered something similar, just putting it out there.

This is probably my last Xanga-related post for a while, but I felt like doing a retrospective on the Good, Bad, and Ugly periods of my time on Xanga:

The Good: From early 2008 to early 2010, I had a fantastic Xanga honeymoon of sorts where I met many interesting people and avoided most Xanga drama. I treasure the great posts I was reading, the new friends I was making, and all those fun times doing Xanga TV and silly posts. I feel the community was big enough but not too big during those years. A big key was that the front page posts were excellent. The people picking posts did a pretty good job of finding the best posts.

The Bad: I went through a period in early 2010 when I wrote a lot about marriage and what that might look like. Oddly enough, I felt like my readers were hostile about that. I'm still not sure why, but it was rather offensive to me. I got the feeling my readers would rather have me eternally silly and goofy and immature rather than happily settled and having a family. Bad readers! :p

The Ugly: So for a long time, I was jealous of people who wrote protected posts well. I finally decided to try to write some protected posts of my own. I experimented with protected posts, but I have to admit, it never quite worked well. Usually, I hated the post I would write...and then no one would comment. Talk about a lose-lose!

A random list, while I'm at it:
1) Being friends with people who I never thought I could get along with. Different politics, ages, places, religions...trying to grow a friendship out of nothing. Inevitably, many of those friendships fell apart, but a few remained, and I felt I diversified as a person.
2) Checking out parallel universe versions of myself. So how might my life be different...if I married at 18? if I were atheist? Xanga allowed me to quietly track how those similar to me but for one or two life choices did. Sometimes I was pleased with the choices I made; other times I saw how people made it work and envied them.
3) Vice City. Ok, ok, wait one second for an explanation. Throughout college and grad school, my friends tended to be quite mild in most vices. Most were nerdy strivers who lived mild lives of contentment. So it was interesting, reading the journals of those using drugs or engaging in casual sex or what not. I felt I came away with a more well-rounded explanation of some choices people make.
4) Giving up. Part of Xanga was seeing people grapple with the struggle to give up...on school, on life, or a relationship. I honestly at times got addicted as to whether so-and-so would succeed. I learned some hard lessons as well about the mistakes one can make when trying to help.
5) Trying to advocate for Christianity. I had various plans to use Xanga to promote Christianity. Overall, it never quite worked as I hoped. But yes, there was definitely some methods and plans behind my posts, especially a few years ago.
6) Free Philosophy Advice. When I struggled with bad ideas or I felt too pessimistic about relationships, often I'd turn a version of that into a post. The advice I got from Xangans via the comments often helped me fix my thinking. I intentionally tried to use Xanga as a sounding board for various ideas.

She was born in the Internet, in the tangle of tubes and trickery. She grew up to be just like them, wearing their glasses and having their chubbiness, her sassy, cursing mouth made in their image. She walked their streets, learning their secrets, leading their blogrings. They trusted her, and how could they not? She had become one of them, and was no longer a threat.

She took that knowledge, and then transformed herself. She kept their chubbiness, but only in places designed to draw them in. She became what they pursued, another target, another high-maintenance sexpot to be chased and wooed with tips from the forums…

...she had read those forums. Every last one, and she knew their moves before they made them, and she fixed their nerdy references in her head, and they were doomed. The manshark moved among them, her razor-sharp teeth concealed. Men flocked to her like sheep and were ingested like plankton. There was no justice, and it was just.

I won't say who I'm dedicating this blog too, but it's also dedicated.

Think of being able to make fantastic first impressions. First impressions that make people want to give you jobs and be your friend. Walk into a room, and chat with a new person. Then in ten minutes they're looking at you starry-eyed or asking you to add them on SpecialFriendAwesomeGoodTime.net.com . Charisma like yours, if it could be bottled, would sell like pierogies at a Polish Festival. But...

Think of being fundamentally incompatible with most of society. Maybe you're a member of the American Nazi party, or even worse, a fundamentalist Christian (tee-hee). Maybe there's just a lot of things about you that repulse on closer inspection, or you have a disability that most people are unreasonable about. Or you just know three jokes and one song on the guitar. Once those are done, you're boring. Whatever it is, after that glorious first impression, it's all darkness and repulsion thereafter. What would you do?

1) Don't meet people twice. Withhold first, before they can leave you. You remain their cherished memory, while you hunt like a wraith for new vict...err, friends! friends!

2) Self-sabotage that first meeting. Save the pain of disappointment, just ruin that first meeting after all. Wave that swastika banner, or sling that hardcover KJV Bible against their face with Goliath-felling might.

3) Try anyway, maybe someone will overlook it. "Look, I had an absent father, and I read a lot of books, and...somehow Adolf became the protective father figure I never had, the one who...wait, wait, come back, I'm not done! I'm not done!"

4) Look for unicorns. Sure, the closest man/woman to your age at the American Nazi party convention is a decade younger/older, but who knows? Keep going year after year! maybe someone new will show up! Just remember to not talk to any outsiders for the 362 days the convention isn't taking place. No big deal.

5) Pillage. They will only love you for a fortnight? Fine, take everything they have. Borrow their pets and take the jobs they offer with generous no-termination contracts in writing. Have torrid (tepid? torrential? We need more t-adjectives here.) one-night stands with promises of unicorn-themed weddings and castles in France. Then laugh the villain's laugh as it all burns around you, and some overworked junior artist at Marvel turns you into a third-rate comic book antihero.

Well that was encouraging, wasn't it?

In Seinfeld, a sitcom which 30-somethings still quote as if it happened yesterday while remaining blissfully unaware of how out of touch they are, there's an episode where Jerry discusses his friend Nina with George. George obviously wants to know if Jerry and Nina have dated each other, as George wants to date Nina. Jerry claims that it's never happened, because he and Nina are so good at having great conversations that sex has never come up. Yet, one would think that having great conversations would be the very thing that would lead to intimacy! What's going on here?

I'm continuing my Xanga dedication series with this post. This post is inspired by a conversation I had with @steph843 yesterday. I was recounting how a past female friend of mine and I would have beautiful conversations, yet neither of us seemed to have any physical attraction to each other. To an outside viewer, her and I might have seemed a couple, maintaining great eye contact and chemistry with each other. I was so into one conversation, I didn't even hear the music in the restaurant, nor the other customers. But still, there was no physical attraction to match our emotional and intellectual attraction to each other. Why?

Steph and I were speculating that maybe great verbal chemistry has drawbacks. When conversation flows easily and naturally, it could mean there's a lack of sexual tension or interest. No slight arguments or complications also means no heightened emotions...Which means no bonding? Ironically, Jerry and Nina end up having an awkward pause in conversation which triggers sex.

But I'm still a bit confused by it all. Maybe some people are just natural brothers and sisters, and their conversational bond overrules any physical bond. Trying to make something already so good into romance sounds forced and sad, right? In fact, one thing I love about Xanga is how a lot of sibling-style friendships get created between men and women on here. Or maybe it's just a matter of one brave soul among the two finally blurting out "Kiss me already." Thoughts?

Quick post here while I wait for some files to download from Point A to Point B. It's just like when my grandparents rode from Point A to Point B via donkeys in the old Greek village days, except not.

I came back from vacation to realize that the woman I was talking to had disappeared. As usual, I first suspected aliens, then a devastating technology failure, then eventually came to grips with reality. We were not close; we were not particularly that similar; yet I was miffed. The post-vaca hangover was a bit more intense than usual, and I found myself balefully staring at my computer at 2AM Pacific Standard Time (Note: I'm on the East Coast.), mumbling to myself.

And in the end, I was reminded that unfortunately, dating (or if you would, mating) opens up one's self-esteem to be based on the opinions of near-strangers. Did some random on OkMeatMarket say hello? I'm a good person and I have a bright future. Did that one cute girl at church not walk in my general direction even though, hello, I'm stationed right next to the donuts and coffee, I know you're hungry, and WHY ARE YOU WALKING AWAY FUTURE WIFEY WHY WHY cough where were we...

Oh, yes. Jokes intentional, but you see my point. Unfortunately, one's self-esteem seems to be whiplashed by the choices of others before those others mean anything. Those people are barely part of one's present, let alone one's future. And yet here we are, making major life choices around...wait. I think my smartphone rang. It's a text! wait...