Long-time readers know of my interests in the laboratory sciences. They are especially convenient to discuss on Xanga when one wants to make a point but also wants to avoid charges of sensationalism. As you are quickly realizing, this post has nothing to do with chemistry. Reader discretion is advised. If you’re not part of the hookup culture and don't know people who are, don’t read this, as it is targeted to that audience. Rated D.

What is the hookup culture anyway? It’s our tendency to seek out physical and emotional intimacy with minimal commitment and investment. It seems to occur most to those in their teens and twenties. Life is rapidly changing, and a certain amount of experimentation makes sense, right? Separated from parents and friends, dealing with work and school pressure, coping strategies are in order. Assume loyalty and fidelity are vestigial constructs and…go. I want to emphasize, I'm aiming this at the hookup culture itself: not isolated incidents, but the mindset that says continual hookery is sustainable, healthy, and without lasting side effects. Consider:

1)      Inability to treasure memories. Let me start with a rather innocent example. As part of a crush contest, I wrote a beautiful, sensual letter. But that letter was worthless as it was being written.I dearly wish it had been written to someone who I was dating. To indulge in romasexual clichés, your first strip-tease, your first picnic date, and your first whatever, were prologue, not masterpiece. I agree with you, hookup apologist. Beautiful things happen during hookups. Beautiful, broken things...

2)      Burying secrets in strangers. I know it’s hard to talk about the abuse, and I understand the first guy you told was in an Internet chatroom at 2AM. It had to happen that way, perhaps. But if you continue to have all your emotional intimacy with strangers, you will remain stunted.

3)      We are the 99%. Not YOU, Miss 36-24-36,and not YOU, Mr. 666 (Six Figure Income, Six Feet Tall, and if I have to explain the last Six, you shouldn’t be reading this.)  The sexual economy is good for you on Fall Street. I saw that 50% increase in your pantsfolio, and there’s never a vacancy at your Bed and No Breakfast. Meanwhile, us commoners are just trying to make ends meet and sucking up to you.

4)      Not knowing how to be interesting without intimacy.If/when I have a little girl, I’m going to teach her how to speak with men. She’s going to know enough about guys to carry on a conversation. She’s not going to feel insecure because she’s hanging out with this guy she likes and she doesn’t know what to do and he seems bored and HEY WANNA SEE MY BOOBIES?!

5)     Unpleasant discoveries. You wake up next to the guy you just met, and he tells you “There are way too many N-words on campus.” Congratulations! Welcome to Aryan Nation,partner! And isn’t it fun to discover that so-and-so had a spouse? If you had waited even a week, you would have figured it out.

6)      Increased insecurity and rejection. You are only as good as your last hook-up. And heaven help you if you have physical flaws. Do you still remember how she laughed when she saw your penis? And yes,he’ll answer your text…eventually. And tell you his phone didn’t work. You believe him, right? You’re too fragile not to…fragile object(ification).

7)      Liars. She lied to you. That “sexual liberation” talk was just talk. It’s over once she saw how you care about your family and after you did that one thing that one time. She’s a relationship-loving romantic pretending to be a nympho. And (lowers voice) the hook-up culture is full of these frauds. Shame on them, right bro?

8)      Medicating deep problems. Why spend time on a psychiatrist’s couch when you can spend time on his couch? Nothing’s wrong with you, baby, that a little loving can’t cure. Let’s cover up your need for a father figure by you becoming a father, Big Daddy.

9)      Begging and Desperation. It’s 2AM, is anyone up? Time to sext your last 5 booty calls until they block you. Daddy needs his fix. Don’t forget FaceSexyTime, sugar, and don’t forget Craig’s Black Book. Then wake up in the morning and try to forget how much you had to lower yourself as the hours of the night wore on.

10)   Prostitution. Spare me the lecture that all love is prostitution. When he buys his girlfriend something, he’s investing in his future. When you sleep with the person who bought you a drink, you’re transacting in the present. Your roulette wheel has nothing in common with his bank. And funny how easy it was to sell your photos and videos, right? Those guilt-producing neurons were burned away years ago, higher up on the slippery slope.

11)   Wasted time. Speaking of investments,funny how much time it takes to maintain the hookup culture. Sex buddies have annoying habits of quitting. One can’t get good help these days! But technology is the answer!...because we all know technology designed to save time has never ended up costing us more time than expected.

12)   Gamification of love.  Up, up, down, down, left,right, left, right, B, A, start…Contra Code. Pickup Line, Pickup Line, Joke,Joke, Negative Comment, Compliment, Negative Comment, Compliment, Touch,Invite, start…Sexing Code. It’s like a video game, bro. What’s your high score?

13)   Sexual neglect, rape and abuse. Hey stranger, no one else knows you’re in my apartment…and after this I’ll never see you again. Given no threat of retaliation, in one-time negotiations,incentives are created. But don’t worry, rapists never have a big smile and pets, right Ted Bundy? Fine, she may not be a rapist, but she’s selfish, and there is no reciprocation. "Get yourself off on your own time," you’re on the clock here.

14)   Hiding, always hiding. That person he added on Facebook is, um, his study buddy. His cousin, lol. And hey, movies are more fun when they are watched at 3AM, and coffee is just tastier. If the hookup culture is really that fun, why do you hide it even from your non-judgmental friends?

15)   You no longer have a choice. You used to choose the hookup culture. Now it chose you. They sense now that you’re up for a quickie. There’s a sign on your forehead and a mark on your back. You used to have rules and standards for your randoms. What happened to those, anyway?

I don't know how to end this.

With the awful comments by Akin over the weekend about rape and pregnancy, Democrats are once again bringing up this concept of a Republican "War on Women." Evidence shows single women take this seriously. Obama tops Romney by a huge margin among single women (60% to 31%). And my Facebook feed is filled with young Democratic women posting political content.

However, the so-called politicized "War on Women" reminds me a lot of the so-called politicized "War on Christians." Political parties enjoy being perceived as safe havens for minority groups so they can lock up that demographic for decades...and only pay lip-service to that group's needs. I'll explain via some depressing shared history. The Republican party somehow convinced most American Christians that only the Republicans care about Christians, and that the Democratic party sought to persecute them. They unbelievably did this after Jimmy Carter, a born-again Christian, was the Democratic candidate for President in 1980! One of the worst things American Christianity ever did was allow itself to be so linked with the Republican party for more than an election at a time. Yes, the Republicans did stand for some issues that Christians cared deeply about (abortion, social morality, etc.), but so did the Democrats (poverty and immigration). I can't believe we American Christians gave up our ability to influence both parties for so little. Yes, it might have made sense to vote Republican in 1980...but why did we keep voting Republican after that?

Similarly, the Democrats are convincing single women that the Republicans are bent on persecuting them, despite the presence of such key female Republican politicians as Condoleezza Rice and Sarah Palin. (Yes, Palin may be incompetent, and Carter was somewhat incompetent too, but that doesn't change the gender or religion of either of them). And yes, the Democrats may be correct for 2012: I'm not disputing that. As a single woman, you may be wisest if you vote for Obama in 2012. Have a fling in the voting booth for this fall. But before you start signing up for the Democratic Party long-term, ma'am, may I suggest dating around first? As the sad, sordid tale of Christian Republicanism has shown, politicians will put a ring around it--it being your neck, not your finger--and drag you around with little to show for it.

I'm sure you've noticed the vast number of nature photos I've posted lately. I'm looking into alternate careers, and have decided to try photography. Recently I contracted with Frond Magazine to travel to Greece to photograph the elusive supermodel Danielius Stupendus with a non-deciduous tree. Frond Magazine exists to promote the non-deciduous lifestyle, and I'm sure you've heard of their very popular Coconut of the Month club. In a world dominated by change and flashy colors, I identified with their passion for greenery and stability. However, I was worried at the challenge posed by photographing the temperamental, moody Danielius Stupendus.

You often hear that models are vapid creatures, merely canvas for the photographer's inclinations. But Stupendus had very firm opinions on how the shoot was to be conducted. He was dissatisfied with the donated tree models from the local arboretum. "More like A-Bort-them" he sniffed. "I expected something much more leafy and alive. How am I supposed to be fierce in the presence of such unadorned stockage? This isn't even a real frond!" I tried to explain to him the budget limitations that have hit the magazine industry. In the old days, Frond could easily have flown out a few frond-filled fun young shoots for a good centerfold, but concerns over carbon footprint and authenticity have limited the company's budget. (Also, no one buys magazines anymore.) He finally deigned to attempt to bond with the leaf:

One thing I don't think you non-professional types will understand is the degree of emotional resonance needed for a good shoot. A model must bond with the accessories and props. I could see that Danielius was starting to feel the green energy radiating from the tree. (This is a good time to note that Frond Magazine's Leafthusiasm Therapy is merely $299 in the month of September. Please use affiliate code #FondFrond481 so that I can get credit for my referral. It's hard making money as just as a photographer. Thank you.). However, his senses were not truly activated yet. In a tender moment that's still difficult for me to talk about without getting a bit misty, he cradled the leaf and breathed deeply, thus activating touch, sight, smell, and taste in one photo. (For those of you wondering, he assured me the leaf on his tongue was a sensory experience not easily replicated or compared, and urges you all to take part in such recreational activities carefully. Perhaps at a Leafthusiasm Therapy course?). That photo is below.

I can't share more photos from the shoot, as I want you all to run to your nearest independent bookstore and buy not one, not two, but several copies of Frond Magazine to share with your pro-deciduous friends. Truly, even the hardest Midwest heart will be swayed by our recipe for coconut waffles, our touching feature article on being young and non-deciduous in Morocco, and of course more uncensored shots of the world-famous supermodel Danielius Stupendus engaged in bonding with a leaf. Let's just say that he named and adopted the tree by the end of the shoot, and personally chopped down the maple trees that used to adorn his driveway. So buy a copy of Frond Magazine today! You wouldn't want to disappoint Danielius, would you?

What would a church look like that would truly reflect the Bible's teachings on sex and physical intimacy?

1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
2. Smile.
3. Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5. Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
6. Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

I can't claim to be as polished as Mr. Carnegie, but here are some of my tips that have worked over the years:

1. Establish a common sense of humor or joke as soon as possible. This helps smooth over initial awkwardness and serves as a sort of friendship motif. Yes, the world really doesn't need your pirate impersonation or cat posters, but if he/she laughs, go for it.

2. Have a go-to list of safe conversation openers. For example, I ask about vacation and travel a lot, because that's unlikely to be controversial (mostly...carbon footprint issues, ha). Or I might share my photos from a trip as a way of sharing more about myself.

3. Challenge them. This is where Dale and I disagree. When you feel it's a safe topic to do so, challenge them on how they think or on what they did. Do it teasingly, perhaps, but if you seem like you agree with them on everything, I feel the relationship dies from boredom. Yes, challenging a person can end a friendship, but do you want to have to tiptoe around that new friend?

4. Ask them leading questions, and be the first to volunteer information and intimacy. In order to have someone open up to you, you have to take some risks. So maybe you tell them about your frustration with your brother, or your bad date. Or, you ask them "So, what do you think about adoption?" or "Is it hard being an only child?"

5. Prove that you care about them, and compliment wisely. The easy way is to say "Oh, I really enjoyed talking to you" or show it with your body language and expressions. But even better, show them that you're willing to sacrifice a little bit for them. Throw away their trash for them if you're out eating, or tell them you skipped something for them, or otherwise indicate that you are investing in them. Intimacy is hard to achieve if they don't see you doing this. Also, try to be original, sincere, and brief when you compliment them on behavior and/or looks.

6. Recognize if things don't seem to be going well and try something new. Be careful, though, sometimes your new friend is just shy. Sometimes the person just wants time or space before becoming closer to you. But you should ask yourself: "Do I talk about the same things over and over?" "Am I dominating the conversation?" "Am I putting him/her under pressure?" "Are we so different that the polite thing to do is to stop trying for more intimacy?"

UPDATE: The ones bolded have been guessed. Unbolded ones are still open for you to recognize who you are or ask me.

@IntoTheWind1 started this trend of listing secrets about one's readers. I was tempted to do it, but then I realized something. I felt like I'd be betraying people's trust if I truly did Xanga secrets. So rest easy, homewreckers, sexual deviants, frauds, and fakes, I'll keep it nice today. Should be pretty easy to tell who you are, people mentioned.
1). I know a lot of people don't understand how we could be friends, man. If you had told me 5 years ago this would happen, I'd vehemently deny it and say you were way overrated. But Mediterranean roots run deeper than I thought.
2). You and me and crush makes three. Funny how that's all developed. But it's good to have a fellow techie along for the ride, and I trust you more than almost any Xangan. Don't let me down, please.
3). I still miss how we connected emotionally and intellectually. It's a great pain to understand the beauty of someone's heart and mind and yet not be able to fall in love with them. But your current man seems like the one for you, and I hope to hear good news on that soon.
4). I keep you a bit distant because you're married, but I love the recent changes in your life. Keep on growing as a person.
5). First time I saw your blog, I knew I had to get to know you. I love how we've built such a consistent relationship via text. It's so good I worry about it, because that's what I do.
6) I try not to, but I worry about that Cali heat changing you. When we met in Boston and again in San Diego, there were so many wonderful things to appreciate about your heart and mind. But it's your roots as a person that make those gifts meaningful, and I hope you can stay in touch with yourself, if that makes sense.
7) Our "awkward" friendship gave me a lot of joy this winter. I don't know that I've ever met a wittier woman. You may be the only Xangan I don't want to meet, because you'd impress me too much.
8) You love your men so well, and yet they stress you out and break your heart. I just hope to help keep you sweet, because if you ever turn cynical man-eater, you'll take a lot of guys down with your charming ways. See you in NYC.
9) You're one of the few male popular bloggers who is actually underrated. Our mutual friends speak so well of you, and I am enjoying your newfound career success and relationship. No need to come back here, you're headed towards bigger things.
10) You stuck by me even when I was so down, and your love has been a great encouragement for me. I'm so glad we got to meet again this year, and I love how in love you are with your boyfriend. Thanks for being the one to surprise me  with your affection and faith in me when my more mature, long-term friends wouldn't or couldn't.

Suppose that Mike and Alicia work the night shift at the local fast food restaurant. As they work together, Mike starts opening up to Alicia about his life. He tells her things he's never told anyone before, including the time he was beaten up by the other kids when he was 7. Alicia starts feeling drawn to Mike, seeing a side of him that no one else has seen. She wonders, "Does he really like me?" What do you think Mike is feeling, though?

I learned the hard way that men and women have very different perceptions and reactions to intimacy. Bad news, Alicia...Mike probably doesn't like you. (Or he may be a sophisticated pickup artist with a plan...). He feels safe sharing with her, because men feel safer sharing feelings with women. He may feel gratitude that he can finally share. But...he probably does not feel closer to her physically after opening up to her emotionally. Why?

I could say a lot about how women and men are intimate in friendships, but I'm focusing more on the romantic ramifications of the differences. I have a theory that for women, intimacy is felt in a multidimensional way. If they are close to someone intellectually or emotionally, that can become physical attraction. Intimacy is flexible for them. In fact, *CONTROVERSY ALERT* I think that's why it is a little easier for a woman to be bisexual, because desires for physical intimacy are not so hard-wired into a certain physical look. It's more likely for a woman to fall in love with a close friend. Intimacy is flexible, and it's easier for intimacy to be created or destroyed.

In contrast, male intimacy is very hard-wired. Once a man is physically attracted to a certain woman, it is very hard for him to become un-physically attracted barring major changes. That makes men more consistent. However, it also means that a man can be quite close to a woman intellectually and emotionally, have many items in common, share amazing life experiences...and still not have any desire to have physical intimacy with her. Although, it is true that a woman's vulnerability can trigger a man's protective instincts in some interesting ways. I also feel like intimacy is more of a stable thing for a man.

So what does it all mean? I'm not sure. Draw your own conclusions for relationships between the genders in the comments...and am I right?

I clicked on my posts tagged "Intimacy" and realized I wrote about types of intimacy a little in 2007 (on Christmas Eve for some reason. Why?). I wanted to build on that and talk about types of intimacy. One way to think of intimacy is that feeling of knowing (or discovering) and being known (or encouraging/allowing discovery). I know there are probably other types of intimacy than these, but here's my effort to try to catalog them:

Intellectual Intimacy: I love being in a small group and firing thoughts back and forth. When you truly know someone's mind, then you can anticipate what they do and how they think. Yet, there is always surprise. Your passionately Republican friend is actually pro gun-control because of an experience he had when he was 7 that ties into his ideology about individual rights, and you see a person in a new light as they reveal more. I believe the height of intellectual intimacy is when you're so locked in to the other person, you become one. I enjoy watching duos who have played various games for years work completely on instinct to win, trusting in subconsciousness.

Emotional Intimacy: Are you a discerning person? I really envy people who can sense the feelings of others fully. I still work hard to understand other people's feelings and perspectives. But isn't it beautiful when you get someone? There was a brief period in my life where I had developed a lot of emotional intimacy skills. On the one hand, it was beautiful to identify so easily with people, to understand them. It was such a privilege to be confided in. But on the other hand, imagine what it's like to be in constant contact with the emotions of others, to sense the pain and fear and anger. To be known and to know is so powerful in this area, knowing that you cannot hide, that they know what you feel and why. One almost wants to race back to the shadows again.

Physical Intimacy: Fine, fine, SEX SEX SEX. Yes, being given full access to someone else's body and emotions is an amazing moment of knowledge and discovery. There's a beautiful progression as a couple keeps opening new doors and taking new steps. But I think also, there are so many other little physical intimacies. When someone hates to be touched...and yet lets you hold their hand in public and chokes down their awkwardness, that means a lot. Or when an elderly parent allows their grown child to assist them, in a role reversal that becomes emotional for them both. And take dance or basketball for example. Watching a team weave through patterns, each relying on instinct, moving as one, is an oddly moving experience. Listen, sometime, to athletes speak reverently of that perfect moment, when their bodies obeyed their dreams and they moved together as one on the court or field or floor. Or talk to someone who has been in combat.

Tomorrow we'll get into men, women, and the compartmentalization of intimacy.

My new friend was telling me about his impending breakup with his girlfriend of several years. He seemed calm, almost analytical, talking about what had happened. I figured he was just rehashing the story, and went ahead and gave a story of my own about an experience I had with a woman. He later told me that I was the first person he told, and just how much it took out of him to tell me. I was embarrassed and ashamed. How did I not realize the honor he was giving me to share this painful experience with me? Why did I not realize the cost of his shared intimacy?

I have been thinking about intimacy lately, and decided to illustrate it with a story. It's a surprisingly difficult word to define. Merriam-Webster defines intimacy as
"1. intrinsic, essential b : belonging to or characterizing one's deepest nature

I have a bad habit in conversations with women of trying to be too empathetic in sharing experiences. I not only try to feel your pain, I try to give you an annoying example on how I too have been through the exact same thing. Sometimes this helps. Other times...let me give you a hypothetical example: