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  • Grounded Planes Meet Rising Sun

  • The Punk Who Owned a Time Machine

    Around 2001, I remember going to a prayer meeting held at a large local church (we'll call it Christian Center). I attended Smallville Baptist at the time (also made up name). Have you ever met anyone who always seemed to be sneering or smirking even when they smiled? Chuck always had that look of smirking at you, even when he tried to smile. My first encounter with Chuck, he was going on and on about how the leaders would be removed and all the authorities would be lowered. I think he was talking about Christian Center. The whole thing was very odd. If he were on a street corner, I would have given him a wide berth.*

    Then my mom and I asked for prayer for Smallville Baptist, as we were moving into a new building and excited but nervous. Chuck told us there would be problems and obstacles, but that it would get done. What a downer, right? We were so excited, and here Chuck was being grouchy. Humph.**

    Finally, one night I went into church, feeling awful because I had done something very un-Christianlike that day. I sat praying, wishing that I were a stronger person, quoting to myself a rather obscure verse about strengthening one's feeble arms and week knees. When we all came together for prayer after, Chuck insisted that I get in the center and people pray for me. How embarrassing, being singled out like that. Why couldn't Chuck leave me alone, anyway?***

    I thought Chuck was just some sort of punk guy (let's just say if you looked up "Blockhead" in the dictionary, Chuck's photo might come up). I never saw him after 2002, I had moved away. But...
    Continue reading →

  • Privileged Humor

    Recently I had to make a trip to the grocery store to buy lots of candy. I joked to myself that I would tell the cashier "Oh don't worry, this isn't for me, it's for the children!" then give her a creepy grin. But then I had to ask myself (because I am a horrid killjoy) why is that joke funny to me? It's because I never was abused as a child, nor have I had any impulses to abuse children myself. The privilege I have of not being abused nor an abuser makes the joke funny.

    I'm not breaking new ground here, but let's talk about privileged humor. Every day we make jokes based on the privileges we enjoy, without even thinking about it. This tends to be more of a rich white guy thing, to be honest. Sure, joke about being "raped" by a test, or about how you have a "man-crush" on your cool guy friend...easy to say when you don't struggle with past trauma or sexual impulses you can't act on. See where this is going?

    It's tough to decide what to do about this. Honestly? "Yo mama so fat" jokes are really funny. But they are funny because my mom was a healthy, loving mom who provided us with 3 meals a day, and I would not laugh if my mom was dead. And that joke about the military I made a week ago got a lot less funny when I remembered my friend's new husband had been in the military. Humph. I suppose I have to give up privileged humor...but please, don't ask me to quit doughnuts. Because obviously, fat jolly Xangans like me love our dozen doughnut breakfasts.

  • Survey: Awkwardly Intriguing Questions

    Via @fairiesmythsdragons .
    Awkwardly Intriguing Questions

    1. What’s a question you’re afraid to ask? To whom?:
    "Am I disappointing you?" My old boss

    2. What’s something you hide about your personality?:
    I'm not really that thoughtful, I'm just very good at speaking on my feet. I also can get randomly obsessive about things that no one else cares about and try to hide that.

    3. What’s something other people think about you that you don’t agree with?:
    That I'm an extrovert. Totally not true, I need a lot of recovery time and thoughtful time for myself.

    4. How do you deal with criticism?:
    Believe it. It's much easier to believe criticism then think about whether it really matters or not than spending too much time obsessing over the truth of the criticism. I say "What if it is true?" and then go from there as to whether I actually should care or not.

    5. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?:
    I'll say all the times my dad went camping with us growing up even though he didn't care for it.

    6. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?:
    Hmm...probably helping different people through tough times with tutoring and/or money. I don't want to give details though.

    7. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?:
    Cook me a meal (Mediterranean cuisine preferred, hint hint) and let's just chat and play games until we're too tired to stay awake anymore.

    8. Describe your favorite texture.:
    Smooth textures are my favorite.

    9. Trigger warning: Which national or global tragedy were you closest to and how did it affect you?:
    We went out of town the day massive tornadoes touched down in a neighboring town. I remember the bad weather and rain (I was only 5) and how, because this was pre-cell-phones, we didn't know until we came back home what had happened.

    10. Post a photo/draw a picture/write a poem (pick one) of a moment of personal significance.:
    My brother's wedding, two minutes before it began:

    11. Which fictional character would you most like to have lunch with and why?:
    Jo from Little Women, and it should be before she meets Professor Bhaer. Wink wink.

    12. Who would you say is your “anti” role model?
    People who don't give back and who only use their gifts to better themselves.

    13. What’s your least “politically correct” opinion?:
    We should allow any "elite" individual (proven by talent) to emigrate to the United States immediately, no quotas, and let the competition/job issue sort itself out. I'd be out of a job if this happened, naturally.

    14. What kind of underwear do you imagine Sherlock Holmes wears?:
    Nope, this survey totally is not designed for women. Nope.

    15. What’s one of the most difficult things you’ve ever had to do?: Defend my thesis in front of experts was quite intimidating: I was sure I would make it, since I was so prepared, but it was difficult.

    16. If you were an element on the Periodic Table, which would you be and why?:
    I want to be a noble gas! Argon: colorful, not easily active, and a swift humane killer. Err, wait, what?

    17. What’s the most infuriating thing your parents (or caregiver) do?:
    That moment when their flaws remind me of my flaws.

    18. Which movie character do you most identify with and why?:
    Tough one, I'm going to pick Andrew from Chronicle because I'm in a bad mood today. SO MATURE. When I'm in a good mood, Truman from The Truman Show. I'll let the film students in my readership figure out why.

    19. You’re an Action Movie Hero. What’s your weapon of choice and the line you scream when defeating your arch enemy?:

    My laser beam clouds the firing of synapses and slows adversaries down to a mere fraction of my speed. I yell various corny puns about "Slow" so that my enemies groan both figuratively and literally as they die: true torture.

    20. What’s the silliest fan theory you’ve ever come up with?:
    On Survivor I, believed that the show was completely rigged from start to finish. This was silly because all reality shows are rigged in one way or another. I WAS SO INNOCENT (cries).

    21. What did you think about before you fell asleep last night?:
    "Why didn't I go to bed earlier" same as every night.

    22. What’s the oddest term of endearment you’ve ever used or that someone’s used for you?:
    Hmm, probably someone referring to my hair as "curlies" or various terms of endearment based on my job.

    23. What motivates you in life?:
    Enemies. (whistles nonchalantly). Oh, fine, and supporting other people and being part of something bigger than myself.

    24. What was something you used to enjoy, but was ruined for you?
    Pop Tarts! There was a moment I had to realize just how sugary and unhealthy they were. The magic is gone.

    25. How do you think you will fare when the Zombie Apocalypse arrives?:
    Poorly. I assume they'll go after the intelligentsia first for the amazing brains...and so when the Zombies grade me as "Grade D Brain" I'll be heartbroken and kill myself so they won't get the pleasure of a still-functioning brain when they...WHAT?! Inner voice, inner voice...

    26. Which mythological creature are you most like? Why? And if you could be any mythological creature, which would you want to be? Why?:
    Dragons! given to brooding and scheming, large wingspan, bad breath, I got it all.

    27. Write a brief story about an actual adventure you’ve had.:
    I was canoeing and we went ashore. My friend and I ate all these very tasty blackberries growing wild, only to be told they had recently sprayed there. Shaken, I also went wading in the water and had to investigate a very interesting white cotton floating on the water...cottonmouth that is. Haven't been canoeing since.

    28. Describe one of the most awkward experiences of your life.:
    Unrequited love on one side or the other, of course. I had an awkward experience on Myspace when I was younger (cringe!) where I thought a girl I went out with wanted to go out again but was just busy a lot. Yes, dear reader, cringe with me, I received a very logical explanation as to why "I still talk to you on occasion" does not equal "I want to go out with you ever again." Lesson learned, heh.

    29. What’s something that scares you about the future?:
    Living in the future with no passion and plan. Just "living" life instead of having goals, aspirations, and desires. Eternity itself is scary.

    30. List 5 quirky things about yourself.
    1) I tend to count a lot, and the years I spent studying various scientific methods definitely make me even more analytical than I already was.

    2) I love wearing bright colors even though they don't look good on me.

    3) I don't remember any of my dreams, except on rare occasions.

    4) I can be obsessive about reading anything in sight.

    5) I find it very hard to quit anything once I've invested in it.

    31. Describe your dream library.:
    Lots of huge hardcover books and a smattering of magazines as dessert, with a table in the middle with little snacks on it and a whiteboard to the side for sketching out thoughts.

    32. What’s the weirdest item you’ve ever mourned?:
    Probably something odd that happened to someone else. Or the time my college textbooks/notes got flooded and I was so saddened by it.

    33. If you could design an amusement park ride, what would it be like?:
    A rocking chair! Followed by...nothing else. I'm a wimp.

    34. Do you have any “rules” about food?:
    I try to cut out pizza and eating after 9.

    35. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?:
    I used to hate any difference greater than 2 years. I relaxed that rule for a while, but I can see why dating someone near your age helps unless there's a very special bond.

    36. What’s something you want to do that you’d be embarrassed to tell other people about?:
    HEY WAIT A MINUTE IF I WERE EMBARRASSED THAN WHY WOULD I TYPE IT HERE oh fine I do wish I was a great chef but I have no ability at all.

    37. Describe a time/event in your life that you’re nostalgic for.:
    2008 was a pretty good year. I know, not much of a description. Whatever.

    38. How do you approach social situations?:
    Find people more awkward than me and talk to them. So most of the time I just talk to myself. Oh, and self-deprecating humor, did I mention that? 

    39. What is your ideal bed? Why?:
    My current bed is decent. I'm anti-pillow overall, though.

    40. Post a haiku based on your life.:
    Odd beginnings lead

    to unoriginal finishes

    Nurture is fleeting

  • Open Forum

    I'll try something different today. Comment/message me a question you've wanted to ask me, and I'll comment/message it back. Yay for laziest blog ever!

  • 5 Mistakes Couples Make on Facebook

    If that title was any more SEO-friendly it would Google itself for me and place ads. 

    1. The "Me Thor, You No Talk To Girlfriend" Move. "So, I see some men have posted on the picture my girlfriend just posted of herself. I'll just tag myself in photo and then comment." Doesn't at all look like you're overcompensating or insecure.
    2. The "Shout Curse Words in a Nunnery" Move. Oh, his friends and/or family befriended me and they're all Asian...time to make racist comments about the Gangnam Style video! Know your audience, his/her family and friends are watching you, and some of them want you to fail.
    3. The "Here's the Road to My Heart" Move. "I just wish someone would buy me flowers...or listen to me without correcting me..." It's a little obvious that your boyfriend is that "someone" who is not living up to expectations. And it's obvious that you're telling us what your new boyfriend should do. Good thing no man ever took advantage of such a disclosure to seduce a woman away from her boyfriend. Nope. It's never happened.
    4. The "Steal My Boyfriend, Please" Move. Honestly, this is a bit picky of me. But sometimes, when someone tells you a little too much about all these hidden great qualities their significant other has, isn't it a mistake? Let's be honest, some people are ring-chasers. Please, my future wife, don't tell the other ladies what a great kisser I am. Loose lips get kissed by destroyer ships, or something.
    5. The Shared Facebook Account Move. Because it's not going to be awkward at all ever for her or my friends to message me on a shared account. Nope. This isn't at all going to cut down on having any friends other than each other until we are isolated alone and grow sick of each other and have midlife crises and leave our 3 children crying at the zoo while Daddy and Mommy shout at each other with their middle-aged voices. Phew!
     

  • How to Thaw a Frozen Heart

    Take the heart out of the freezer. Do so when you have the time and energy to prepare it properly. It may have turned greyish-brown in some spots. This is freezer burn. Freezer burn occurs as a result of all the holes poked in the packaging that were supposed to keep the heart safe. When the constantly vibrating water molecules in the heart migrate to the surface, perhaps excited by some change in freezer temperature that beckoned of false spring, crystals of ice are formed. Those heart segments are now deprived of moisture. They become dry and shriveled and look burnt. But the heart itself is still safe, merely marred.

    Take your shirt off. Wear pants or shorts that you can afford to stain. Defrosting is messy work. Cradle the heart in your hands. Envelop the uncovered side of the heart with your chest. The resulting cold may seem unbearable at first. But if the heart can be encased in such frigidity for so long, so can you.

    Wait for the blood to flow. The time to flow depends on how cold the freezer was and how long the heart was in the freezer. The flow will be slow at first. The blood will merely be a slow stream dripping down your sternum to your navel and onto your pants. Continue to cradle the heart. Do not believe it is thawed just because the outer layer has warmed where it has touched your chest. The inner core is still locked in ice. It has not yet begun to pump.

    Make sure you have newspapers or other coverings nearby. The first pumps of blood from the heart tend to be spastic, random showers of blood. As with onions, connecting with the core may cause your eyes to become irritated and filled with moisture. Do not worry if your tears drip onto the heart. The salt of your tears may burn as it first hits the heart, but salt melts ice and preserves the heart. Try to ensure that the tears fall on the areas most affected by freezer burn. Those areas have lacked the most moisture and need it most. Continue cradling the heart until it beats rhythmically once more. The heart is now ready to serve. See that you serve it well, as it deserves.

  • Is the Internet Good for Intimacy?

    Last one in the series, decided to use a different format.

  • The Friendship Experiment

    A while back I messaged my friends and subscribers with a proposed friendship experiment. Here is what it was, if you still want to do it. I'm still getting some messages weeks later on it, and so I just wanted to post about it.

    In the original experiment, I matched you with 3 Xangans you didn't know. If you still want to do it, feel free to pick out names that comment on this post. You should also try this experiment with real-life people you don't know or that you don't know very well.
    Here’s how the experiment should work:
    1. Feel free to look at their Xanga profiles, but don’t read their blog too much beforehand. If they/you have friends lock, send them a sentence about yourself. (I’m 22, male, married, go to college for engineering for example). This also avoids embarrassing mixups like calling a he a she!
    2. Read http://greekphysique.xanga.com/767233438/tips-for-creating-intimacy/ before you talk.
    3. Message each other and pick a time to talk for 10 minutes. You can friend each other on Xanga and use the Xanga chat bar, use AIM, or, log into http://tinychat.com/TalkProject at the same time. (For Tinychat, just log in as guest and use your Xanga name). I prefer you use live chat, not email.
    4. Try to also talk to strangers/acquaintances using the techniques. Write a blog about your experience, or message me and tell me how it went. Please tell me, which tips worked the best? (and worst?). And was it easier to do it in real life, or on the Internet? I’ll collect the results of the experiment and do a post.
    Have fun!

  • Love is like Boxing

    When I was younger, I used to think that love was a dance. You take your time. You lead and hope she follows your steps. You learn to give her space when she needs it to think things over. You don’t rush. Love takes time, it’s worth it.

    When I was older, I realized love is a boxing match, and you’re always facing her doubts and fears. You score with hard-packed shots of intimacy to the head, mercilessly beating down her attempts at independence, her desire to not mess up like last time. When she asks for time, you pretend not to hear, and press into a clinch she can’t elude, shoving her against the ropes and whispering in her ear that the two of you are meant to be. You never stop punching, never, EVER, because when you stop her doubts and fears grow and she overwrites your memories in her head. You just keep punching like a frenzied boxer until finally she herself throws in the towel and arises out of her corner. She takes your hand and raises it high, and you both walk into the sunset…while her doubts and fears cower in a corner until the next time.

    Aaaaaaand this is why I keep my analogies to myself.

    (Old content, need new dark-humor post up to get rid of old dark-humor post. Circle complete.)