Suppose that I am staying over a friend's house. He's not my best friend, but definitely a friend. I arrive early, and the door is open. I walk in, to the sound of lots of splashing. A falsetto voice is yammering away in what seems to be the bathtub. After the requisite sitcom-y moments, my friend admits the full truth.

Every evening, he spends half an hour in his tub with four rubber duckies. (It was only three until last week, when he  bought a fourth). He narrates various adventures for them (as we speak, President Duckenstein is courting the lovely Lady Quackia), or often enters their floating world as various characters. (Poseidon is a favorite, especially when the water is draining from the tub). He keeps a notebook in which he jots down the day's updates. He does this in his free time, and I'm the only one to know about this. Yes, he takes the ducks with him when he travels. No, the ducks are not sexually mistreated, except for sharing tubspace with my nude friend. Etc.

Should this discovery matter to me? On the one hand: it's his free time, it's private, and no one is being forced against their will (although the ducks might have some interesting tales if they were animate). On the other hand...ducks. Should I change my perception of him as a friend? a parent? a teacher? a professional? Or is this all compartmentalized, and what he does in his free time shouldn't matter to me?

Yes, this is about General David Petraus and the increasing number of people who seem to think his adultery doesn't matter. But it's also about two big problems that come up whenever we discuss the sexual behavior of others and compartmentalization. We usually tell ourselves one of two lies:
1) Sin always harms everything immediately. There are many, many times when people sin and...nothing bad happens. A man has sex with someone else in an unethical, immoral manner...and enjoys it, and that someone else enjoys it, and then the man goes back to work at his job to help feed starving children on Monday, and does it as well as ever. Get it? The duality of God as both a righteous judge and a merciful Savior must be acknowledged. All sin is not punished in this life, in fact it is often rewarded. Etc.
2) The core "me" does not change, even if I do wrong actions. This is also faulty. The hilarious mental picture is of a man so compartmentalized, that he can go from chopping up the homeless in a back alley on Friday to preaching in the pulpit on Sunday. Actions, over time, change who we are. If I treat my neighbor well, I probably will treat my family well. If I cheat in one area of my life, I probably will cheat in another. Yes, exceptions can be found, but the assumption that I can remain unchanged despite life's events is an insult to religion and evolution alike.

So, thus the rubber duckies, because they're not sin (I hope!) and none of you feel like you have to defend my friend to protect your own horrid duckplay past. Did your opinion on the thought experiment differ from your opinion on the General Petraus case? Please do share.

I realized that with all these dare surveys floating around, we don't have a financial survey! I want to find out more about all my Xanga friends on here! Of course, everything I find out will be used to help you for your good, because I'm a good person!111!! Please fill out this survey and send it to all your friends. Let me know when you fill it out!

1. What are the first four digits in your credit card number?
2. In the last 6 months, have you shopped at Amazon.com?
3. If I were opening an online-shopping account, what password should I choose?
4. What are the second four digits in your credit card number?
5. Would you let me use your computer if mine didn't work? And trust me enough to leave me alone with your computer for the 5-30 minutes I need?
6. Have you ever given a lot of money to someone you didn't know very well just because they sounded like they really needed it?
7. What are the third four digits in your credit card number?
8. What is your first pet's name?
9. What is the town you were born in?
10. Write the last four digits in your credit card number in backward form. So if it is "3567" write "7653." This stops robbers from using your credit card number, just like it does for ATM machines.
11. I am guessing your social security number is 336-62-1678. Tell me for each digit how right or wrong I was? For example, if first digit was really a "2", write "-1". I need this so I can compute my total score, to see if it's more or less than 0.
12. This is only for those of you who live alone. How much cash do you usually keep in the house?
13. Follow-up, unrelated question: if you were woken up by some noise, but then you heard someone call out "Oh, sorry, Xangan, it's just me getting some water" would you go back to bed?
14. On a scale of 1-10, how gullible are you? Please ask a friend if you do not understand what gullible means, as the word is not listed in any dictionary.
15. Have you ever sent your passport to the "Blind Children" fund, which enables blind children to read via your passport? They promise to return your passport within 7 business days, once they make a copy for the children to play with.
16. Some people say that Xangans might write surveys in order to manipulate other Xangans and take things from them. To prove that I am a giver, not a taker, I'm sending you a free iPad through Wal-mart's special election sale. To claim your special offer just click this link while you are using a computer that has your tax returns on it. Satisfaction guaranteed.

Once enough Xangans fill out my survey, I'll fill out yours! Can't wait!

Just for fun, here's a challenge for you. Write about two TV crushes you had as a teen: one that you're still proud of, one that you're not quite sure what you were thinking.

Thumbs Up: Miss Parker, The Pretender

Miss Parker was on the TV show The Pretender. I just remember enjoying the nuance of this character. I have a soft spot for tough women (inconsistency intentional). On the one hand, she's a scheming murderess who bullies her subordinates. But she's also presented as a real woman, who becomes fragile when family or love is involved. There's no heart of gold, but there is humanity. It was an honest portrayal of smart, intense womanity, and I appreciate it more over time. For a teen guy, watching an assertive yet fragile woman was an excellent education. Also, the obligatory HOT HOT HOT IF YOU LOOK LIKE HER MESSAGE ME KTHXBAI...

Thumbs Down: Daniella Deutscher, Hang Time

I'm pretty sure my thought process went like this. "Duh she shoot hoops, I shoot hoops, what if we were playing basketball together we would have so much fun!" Extremely complex logic, let me tell you. She's cute, but my logic behind my crush was, shall we say, a little limited. I'm still an unabashed jersey chaser, though. Holla, balla!

That was cheerfully embarrassing. Who's next? I'll tag you on here if you write one. Oh and fyi, realize that these are photos of hot folk, so you may not want to open these in, say, a library. Because if you're like me, my browser instantly picks that time to freeze up, and then I awkwardly blurt out "I was doing research!" to passer-bys. Oops.
1. @CryinginColor
2. @babieboo_annie

Elle (@ellechristina) wrote a good blog about missing home and leaving home the other day, and I wanted to follow up on it. There comes a time for a lot of us where we have to pick between a better job and/or relationship, or staying in the area we grew up. I am one of those who took the money and ran. What I'm doing now would not have been possible in the original area where I grew up. I was laughing a little the other day, remembering some of the weird job interviews I went to in college, just because I wanted to stay in the area.

But, I still miss the particular flavor of the Valley. Coming home and watching the streets and homes fall into further disarray is hard on me, feeling in some ways as if I have deserted an old friend in its greatest hour of need. I once did a video as I drove through town (yes, bad idea for driving safety):

There's just something oddly comforting about those run-down homes and closed factories, though. I miss the irascible old men with their accents, who came to work in the steel mills to sweat and suffer, and still have it so much better than in the old country sweating under the merciless sun. I miss the swarthy looks and the hard-working style, the blue-collar passion that manifested itself in straight-ahead smash-mouth football and 3rd shifts in the factory while the rest of us slept. I miss the women, many kind yet assertive in that saucily smothering immigrant way that appeals to me and is hard to find elsewhere. I remember coming back to my college to meet with an old friend and being unable to stop staring out the window, hungrily seeing faces that I did not recognize but were home. I miss the inconsistencies of the area, the quirks, the charismatic child-men I knew who were 22 going on 12 but who you could not help but like no matter how many times they broke your toys or failed the simplest tests of common sense.

On this Veteran's Day, I'm thankful for the ones who fought so that I can go back to my home. That what I miss is a reality, be it ever so far from me today, unlike the formerly pristine streets of Sarajevo or Beirut. Thanks for your service, and thanks for your sorrow. Some of you can never be at home again, even though you're sitting at home. And any thanksgiving on my part that does not end with me giving my own blood or sanity sounds a little hollow. But thank you anyway.

Ah, the crazy dating story: your best friend tells you about how she liked so-and-so, but then found out "He has a wife! and he's 42, not 32! and he was wearing shoes that made him 2 inches taller than he was!" Those stories are sad, but tragicomic (as long as he/she caught the liar quickly). But I have to admit, usually I think "Oh, that's awkward, but that would never happen to me. I'm too boring/average/whatever for that."

However, the other day I got in a mini-debate with everyone's favorite Datingish guru, @QuantumStorm. He claimed that women he knew were pretending to act more Christian than normal on Facebook in order to land a husband. I instantly had this mental picture of women posing with Bibles for profile photos and/or writing God poetry on their blogs, and couldn't help but laugh. "Really, Quant? That's a thing? I suppose I could see, say, a girl pretending to like Jesus when she met Tim Tebow. But here in the real world, that's just not happening, right? Totally unrealistic!"

Side note: I am an avid blog reader because I want to understand people better. So when someone says something that I have never experienced myself, I may tease them or challenge them, but I make a note of it and try to look for it in my world. That's also why some of my posts are about my mistakes and lessons learned. I feel that because you all teach me, I also need to tell you when I learn something so it can help you. So now you know that.

So I started thinking if I knew any examples of that...and suddenly realized, Quant was right. I think enough time has passed for me to tell the D story. (If you recognize who I'm talking about, don't say so in comments. She's long gone from here, but still...). D loved all my Christian blogs. She was extremely gifted in giving compliments and praise. Five minutes with D would make any man feel bigger and bolder. We became quite close: talked on the phone, etc. However, it turned out that D was a fraud. Lots of lying...and we'll leave it at that. I don't want to take any revenge on D by saying more.

After I picked myself off the floor, saddened and shocked that my gracious friend lied about so much, I realized partly why it happened. I did not think I was worth lying to. Does that make sense? D didn't seem to be after money or sex or anything obvious, so I had my guard down. People lie to the cheerleader or quarterback, if you will, not to us normal types. I would have been better off if I had thought I was hot stuff, and been more cynical. (Still, though, since when are Christian groupies a thing? Pastor fetishes, anyone? ha). I'm afraid D scarred me a little. Honestly...it's hard to write a fully Christian blog on here without wincing and thinking about how D would have reacted to it. Any woman who offers me unreserved praise or seems to be way too eager to bond with me now puts me on alert. And so here's my mini-apology to those of you whose relationship with me has been affected by that.

Looking back, ever since my Quant conversation, I realized several ladies have exaggerated their Christian commitment to me. As you can guess, the irony of lying about one's religious commitment is infuriating. (And this is why I appreciate my non-Christian friends quite a bit at times, who don't fake their faith commitments). But it also taught me a good lesson. No matter how unremarkable you think you are, someone desires you enough to lie to you. Some of the lying is rather innocent (I'm aware that you are just humoring me by watching this sports game with me), but unfortunately, some of the lying is much more serious. So to my fellow dating singles out there, watch your backs: you're hot stuff, and someone will want you enough to deceive you.

When I was little (about 4? 5?), I would create stories inside my head. At some point, I realized that my stories only had male characters, and begrudgingly introduced a female into my adventures. She had dirty blond hair, was rather tough, and wore jeans, as I recall. In other words, she was the exact opposite of everyone I knew at the time.

When I was eighteen, I thought the most ideal romance would be to date someone who you had been friends with for a long time. After months, even years of no romance, suddenly a magic flame would alight, and the two of us would see each other in a new light. Given that we already knew each other so well, it would be easy to get married and build a stable life together.

When I was twenty-five, I thought the most ideal romance would be to date a better version of myself. She would be smarter, more athletic, more skilled, and more good-looking (the bar to surpass is rather low in some of those cases, ha). Yet we would have a lot in common and share similar outlooks and mindsets.

When I was...well, no more was, am....I started running out of thoughts on romance. Perhaps it was because I have gotten to experience each potential situation and seen the drawbacks. Perhaps it is because I am older and wiser, and as such realize romance is sometimes ruined by correct guesses. I suppose now I want to find someone who compliments my strengths and weaknesses. Fit matters. But I think it's easier not to dream or plan. I can't tell if I am giving up, or growing up.

"I don't know how you haven't made up your mind already" the Twitter guru sneers in 140 characters. "Why it's obvious! Such a clear choice!" I shake my head and ask you, when did bullheaded stubbornness become a political virtue? Oh yes, that horrid Abe Lincoln, noted indecisive flip-flopper, changing his mind on slavery. What a horrid example to emulate, right? But no, our best politicians are supposedly firmhanded types who don't change their minds in light of the evidence. Bang your head often enough against the wall, and the wardrobe will split to reveal Narnia, right?

Don't pity the undecided voter, respect them. There's nothing wrong with waiting until all the evidence is in to make up your mind. I watched the debates closely, and I felt I learned a lot about the personality of both candidates. Flaws such as Romney's petulance and Obama's aloofness were on clear display. And events such as Benghazi also are changing past narratives of candidate success and failure.

But fine, I grant you, it's a little silly to remain conceptually undecided when you've voted for one party the last 10 elections in a row. So who should be very much undecided? A few possibilities:

Soldiers: Soldiers usually lean Republican, but the Obama administration got Bin Laden, hasn't been afraid to launch drone strikes at any time, and got us out of Iraq. It also depends on what soldiers think of the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell.

College Students: It's been a bad four years for college students, who were so excited about Obama in 2008. Minimal gains on social issues that they care about, less college funding, more tuition hikes, and increasingly tougher student loan repayment rules all should make it a harder choice this time around.

Blue-collar men who work in union environments: This has been a tough four years for men in the workforce, especially men in blue-collar work. Those men usually lean towards Democrats, but Romney offers some possibility of turning things around...or cracking down on unions. It's confusing, and I'm not sure which candidate is better for such a person.

Black, morally conservative Christians: I find that black individuals are much more likely to admit Christianity or attend churches than other races here in the US. They may have voted for Obama four years ago, not impressed by McCain's campaign and excited by historic opportunity for a black president. But minorities have been hardest hit by the poor economy. Romney offers a conservative mindset, albeit in Mormon trappings.

Wealthy men in the Northeast: Obama offers the more liberal policies that fit better with the Northeast, but Romney is much more representative of such men and will probably provide more favorable taxation/business policies.

Thoughts? Who else should genuinely be torn? And are you waiting to make up your mind until the last minute?

In the novel, I am Charlotte Simmons, the main character is Charlotte, who is a hardworking, intelligent, naive, virginal Christian girl sent off to the fictional Dupont University. Despite her best intentions and the attempts of her mother to help Charlotte protect herself, Charlotte can't help but be drawn in by the sexual temptations that rule college life. Soon enough she's seduced out of her virginity, and then dumped and mocked by the guy who deflowered her. However, the novel ends on an up note of sorts: Charlotte ends up the girlfriend of a star basketball player and the object of envy of many. She then no longer cares about intellectualism, but instead just wants to be seen as special by others, for whatever reason.

In some ways, the story is a bit unbelievable. Charlotte is such an innocent that she seems more symbolic than real. The story seems more symbolic than anything else, a brutal expose of the way colleges corrupt and entertain rather than educate and enlighten. But.....

I know a few Charlotte's, highly intelligent men and women who go off to college largely sheltered and innocent. And I don't like what seems to happen to them in college. Rather than learning more and flourishing, they seem to take a leaner, meaner view of humanity. Rather than growing into a mature sexual identity, they end up in rather tragic relationships, or sexually taken advantage of...or even worse, becoming sexual manipulators themselves, the abused become abusers. It's not a pretty sight, and some quite honestly don't make it, as substance abuse or suicide picks off a few of them.

So what to do about it, if anything? A few thoughts:
1) Maybe this is what they want, and their intelligent/self-controlled style is just a phase imposed on them when they were younger. They might make a few bad choices, but if being intelligent and self-controlled is better, they'll return to that state.
2) Maybe the system is too strong and corrupting. If a culture that prides itself on "tolerance" is so cruel to those who wish to focus on learning, piety, or self-discipline that they cannot continue in those ways, then maybe to blame Charlotte for her changes is to blame the victim. The system has to change, or those who would be Charlotte must get themselves to a nunnery, err, school that has more tolerance for the Charlotte's of the world.
3) Maybe the Charlotte's should hang out together. The fast life isn't for everyone. What's Charlotte doing all alone at those parties? Not her style at all.
4) Maybe older, wiser people need to protect the Charlottes/Charles somehow. But isn't it hard not to foster resentment? "Hey Charles, don't hang out with that girl in her room, she'll get you drunk and seduce you" is hardly the way to win friends and influence. Charles will not believe you, or Charles will get ideas from you. Right?

Hmm. I'm not happy with any of these options. But when Charlotte tells me about how she lost her virginity via rape and then blames herself, it's hard not to feel that the world owes Charlotte better. Perhaps that is how the machine works, taking in fresh Charlottes/Charles at every turn and then churning out older, wiser, sadder adults. But I'd like to be wrong.