There's been a recent controversy about what some Christians said or thought or did. It doesn't matter what it is; the story will change every week. Regardless, here I am, as a Christian, and I have feelings that are hard to easily classify...

See, on the one hand, no one wants to go back to Kayfabe. It's a term that I first heard when applied to wrestling. You have to pretend that all the holds and tosses are real, that the entire show is real at all times. I don't want to be the type of Christian who pretends that all other Christians are right all the time. We know it's not true. We know Christians can be wicked, scheming, hypocritical monsters. So yes, I understand a certain reluctance to defend Christian oddballs.

But I am frustrated by the other response. Christians condemning Christians to score points with their friends is no better. One day it will be your belief that is controversial. We as Christians are Christians because we believe in following the voice of God where it may lead us. Just because I am not the man on the soapbox, calling out in the town square today, doesn't mean I may not be that man tomorrow. It is prideful of me to judge my brother, to claim he must also not give to the needy, or he is a busybody. How can I do this?

I think unfortunately, only silence can sometimes be the right response.

Masculinity can be toxic when it starts preaching that every half-open door must be walked through, or, worse, shoved open, in order to prove some point about testosterone or fortitude. I think it’s pretty obvious by now that much of my writing is quiet, indirect trolling of certain masculine assumptions. I do it for my amusement, but also out of a sort of revenge...revenge for younger me and the mistakes I made because I believed masculinity’s expectations and assumptions.

I’ve always justified my social networking usage by claiming that I provided different content than most, or differentiated myself. Maybe, finally, I’m accepting that my content is no longer that different, and I’ve run out of things to say? I'm not sure. Things are different in Pennsylvania. I'm more at peace, but less creative. It's an interesting trade-off!

Thinking of Jamie's passing today. It's only been two years; it's odd, it feels like longer. I still remember getting the news when I was at work, in my office. I had a meeting I had to go to in 10 minutes. I tried to pull myself together for the meeting with my colleague. I walked in and told him I couldn't do the meeting, then went back to my office to mourn some more.

I think one of the odd things about Internet friends is that we have incentives to pretend we don't care as much as we do. After all, often we never met them in person. Or, they live far away, or are different from our usual type of friends. So it's easy to start saying things like "Oh, it's the Internet" or "Internet friends come and go." And there's some truth to that.

But I have to admit, because Xanga allowed one to read a lot of other people's deepest thoughts, bonding happened much deeper than one expected. No, I only talked to Jamie about once or twice a month outside of Xanga. But it often was on deep topics, or raw moments. I randomly looked up old messages with her. There's one where she says she's trying to get some help with something, but "only my Internet friends are responding." And that's how it is sometimes; our Internet friends may not be real life, but they're the ones who responded when no one else did. And so we miss each other and mourn more than is expected, because of those bonds that were created when no one else would listen.

Lately I've been struck by how often Jesus emphasized good works in his teachings. Not only did he often mention them, but he had certain standards for how they were to be carried out. And those standards are not at all easy.

For a Christian, we usually get more concerned about things like not sinning, or persecution, or whether God/Jesus are real and faith. I don't think too many of us worry about our good works not pleasing God. And yet, consider the following obligations:

1) Good works are to be secret. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus told the people to give freely, but also not to take credit for the good they did. God is the one who will see and reward.

2) Good works are to be aimed at the least of these. There's a well-quoted parable where the sheep are told "Whatever you did for the least of these, you did unto me." The list of good works are hard good works. Going to see the sick? Going to prison? Um, Jesus, I wouldn't last 2 minutes in prison, how can I go there? But he specifically said he wanted those done.

3) Good works are to be unrepaid. There's a certain type of cheeseball movie trope where the guy helps some woman in distress and voila it's the Queen of Bumbleville, the hottest, richest woman in the land! But that's not how it's supposed to work in God's plan. Jesus specifically said go help people who can't repay you. Less helping the rich, beautiful, and talented, more helping the poor, ugly, and stupid? Jesus, do I have to? And yet, that's the calling.

I'm writing this because I want to do a better job doing actual good works. It's too easy to throw 10% of my money in Jesus' direction and call myself a saint. But that's not enough to be fully worthy of the name Christian. Just still thinking it over.

It's been interesting to watch the Republicans lose more and more influence among younger voters. What has happened? I did my best to remember what seems to have changed. Here's my best effort to sort it out:

1) The Republicans used to be trusted to be tough when it was important. That meant tough policing policies, and aggressive military action as needed. The disastrous Middle Eastern campaigns of the 00's did permanent damage to the Republican claim that they could better defend America than Democrats. Couple that with various policing controversies and an overall drop in inner city crime, and the domestic policing also suffered.

2) The Republicans increasingly seemed to prioritize money and the rich over all other parts of their party. Rather than supposedly being the careful spenders, under Bush government spending soared, or was redirected to private organizations (Defense especially did this). Also, religious Americans lost more and more trust in the party, or realized the risks of being affiliated with Republicans only.

3) The Democrats used to have a way of talking down to underprivileged people of all races that the Republicans could exploit. Bluntly put, the Democrat candidates often had white or rich privilege problems when they tried to connect with their supposed base. In the last decade, Democrats have gotten better at this, or at least haven't been called out on it as well as they used to be.

Thoughts?

I've been taking a lot of my strength lately from reconnecting with my past. Old friends, nostalgia, and past hobbies have filled in the gaps since moving. It's worked and smoothed over the transition. But now I am running out of excuses for mingling in my community and meeting new people.

It's not that I don't enjoy my town, or look forward to making new friends. But I am well-aware of the energy required to make new friends locally, and how awkward it all is. I hate feeling like I am putting my hand out, or having to prove that I'm not some weirdo just because I didn't grow up locally. It is wearying.

But I just had a lovely trip to Los Angeles (where I got to see Regina from Xanga, which was lovely) and it's time for me to come back and try to make friends locally. I can't put it off any longer. Wish me luck!

One of the old (and fun!) stand-by moves of pro wrestling happens when a match seems to be decided, or has calmed down. Everyone relaxes for a moment. Suddenly, though, a new participant jumps on the top rope/turnbuckle. Unexpectedly, he jumps down on a exhausted participant, the crowd screams, and the match erupts again in chaos. It's fantastic fun, and I enjoy how it changes the rhythm of a match.

I have to admit, when I was younger, I used to pull this move a fair amount online. A discussion would have already taken place, and things would have calmed down. I'd come upon it, read it, and feel some critical point was neglected. "BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SLIPPERY SLOPE/FREEDOM/WHATEVER?!" I'd yelp, and it would be game on once more.

However...the dirty secret is, often you don't see things as well as you think you do from your turnbuckle vantage point. Maybe the participants in the heated discussion have already messaged each other and calmed down. Maybe one of the members is a family member, and everyone else is humoring them, hence why no one is correcting this "obvious WRONG?11!?" Yes, one does lose something of the flavor by coming in late.

So for what it's worth, I've started freezing/taking down discussions I start after about 12 hours or so. And I've also stopped hopping in late into debates...mostly. Jumping off the turnbuckle looks grand when it's done by a muscular, highly-trained wrestler. It's not so cool when one of us belly-flops into the debate pool, however. Ok, that's enough mixed metaphors; just a thought.

I feel a need to be more selfish, but I've spent too long getting better at being connected to others. Such a dilemma!

I'm very happy and excited for @roadlesstaken on his wedding! I respect him a lot, and it's exciting to see a well-known, well-respected Xangan being happily married. Hope it was wonderful!